Part III
It was Jesus who suggested that I leave this section of my notes in their original form; therefore, I have edited it as little as possible for readability. I don’t know what the exact message is that Jesus wants you to read. He has stated that this third section will help us learn how to save the earth. I hesitantly took out some sections of self-pity and a few other items. This section three will read like a diary because I have kept dates intact. Sometimes, it will also read dumb and stupid because I wrote my thoughts as they rambled through my mind and had every intention of deleting or rearranging them, skip these sections when you choose.
When I began these notes I thought this book would be about three or four highly evolved people who I can sense or talk with mind-to-mind. I have put extensive notes about these people throughout this notebook but, even if I know their names, I have chosen not to use them for their own privacy. A list of symbols I used and what little information I started out with regarding each person is in the back of the book.
Also please understand that I edited these notes after the September 11, 2001 bombing of the World Trade Centers and was tempted to add explanations regarding this tragedy, but did not except in for a few footnotes. In hindsight, it is easy to see the writing on the wall. It is also hard to put any real sense of time to Jesus words but he did warn me that something was coming. I want to add that in the current notes that I am writing now, notes that will not be included in this book, I asked Jesus to please explain why he can't give me a more exact warning. He told me that if he was to give me an exact warning of when where or how it would set the event in the future place as fact, perhaps unalterable fact. The future is not fixed but fluid and mobile like an ocean current; this is why it is better for me to grope and search for meanings and explanations. The good news is that the future can be altered, That is the purpose of this book.
Note on the symbols I use for certain highly evolved people who I have met during mind travel and who may be included in this third section.
Z – One person who is so very old and highly evolved that at the point of death one day, she won’t face death but only a slight transition between two different states of being. I don’t know her name but regardless she has the right to remain anonymous. I don’t know if she is recognized as great in her own country but hope to learn more about her one day.
Y – this person is male. He has given me permission to use his name and I will one day but, at this point, I choose not to reveal his name. Y tells me he has been watching me grow and evolve, just as he has been evolving ahead of me. At first, I did not know he has known me for so long a time, I presumed that I found him one night because he seemed receptive to becoming my friend. We are good friends even though my upbringing was so different from his. All his life he has evolved in the mental discipline of meditation while I have had almost none. I am considered by all to be a wild card therefore they watch my life with interest. Y tells me that I belong to their group now even though I have far to go with learning how to be.
X – This person is also a male but he remains mysterious by circumstance and choice. I don’t know his name or who he is but I have tried to guess and often been wrong. Sometimes I think I hardly know him and other times I believe he is very close and familiar. I hope to solve the mystery of X one day.
W – The only thing I know or choose to say about this person
at this time is that he resides somewhere out West in the
There are more people that I can hardly perceive at the present time and some who I have just touched mentally for a moment, but not too many. Jesus said there are not more than two handfuls of highly evolved people on our world at this time.
7/31/00
Did everyone get to paradise except me? Driving on the
freeway on this beautiful, grand, country strip of freeway, everyone going
somewhere, shopping in full malls on
As I look around, I wonder at my own state of affairs compared to this multitude of plenty. Is there something wrong with me? Assuredly there is, I and a number of other people who prosperity has passed and left behind, uncaught by the hook of plenty as if we were invisible. It could be argued that many people on the bottom have had problems that kept them where they are, drinking, substance abuse, children at a young age or too many of them. My own problem could be lack of industry? Or ambition? Lack of friends and lovers? Regardless, I and others seem to have missed the boat of earthly paradise.
I am not unhappy. Happiness seems to arrive for me in little delights rather than large ones and I realize that I am content most of the time. But is all this happiness paradise? I also perceive that something is wrong here. That this picture postcard is out of balance. Grossly unbalanced in the long term, grossly centered in self-happiness now, at all costs, and almost desperately so. Get everything now while its still available, never mind anyone born in the future, the next generation will need to take care of itself because this paradise is neglectful of those born even at this time into the wrong circumstances or odd situation. One fourth of the population of the world lives on less then one dollar a day, where is paradise for these people?
Can any true paradise neglect so many? "No." By definition paradise must include all people into its circumference or it is rotten in its fringe or core and fake. Also, a little thought helps us realize that this style of paradise is lopsided and unworkable for the total globe. If everyone on earth had this kind of prosperity, the ability to squander and spend and play and use up vast sources of energy, the whole structure of this unworkable paradise would fall down around our ankles and all of us would be caught wanting. How long can it take to run out of gas, raw materials, food, land, and water. The gold of the next century? It will be water.
No way could our life style be shared around the globe without killing it sooner than later. So what’s the answer? Don’t share it, stay in clumps of rich against poor. Make sure nothing is handed out except a bit here and a bit there. If this isn’t the way we think, it’s the way we act and actions speak loudly. That way we can insure our own future and never mind theirs. Instead of the roaring 20's we will have the roaring 2000's before chaos rears its head and life once again rises from the ashes. We must face a real fact, a person like Hitler or a new World War needs only a push and poverty serves just as well now as a lever as it ever did. It was and is probably the underlying cause of most wars. And all because someone forgot that we all need a share of paradise, not just a few. A world out of balance cannot stay pushing smoothly against its soft velvet curtain, storms and thunders will eventually shred it to bits, the crest of poverty must slam and stab against us, that is its nature.
So what, you may think, if it happens it happens. This is the fun time and who cares about tomorrow. When it all falls down, then we will deal with it. If we get nuked or crushed then we will rise again, pick up the pieces and put them back together again. This type of thinking is not thinking at all but avoidance of reality. Long term planning or care for the future could prevent great heights and crushes from happening and must if we are to ever achieve a true paradise. People living in a true paradise would not allow even one child to whimper in hunger or pain because their pain would reverberate around the world as an unfinished work of art yet to be done. The craft of paradise should be sustaining itself and keeping paradise available for all.
8/5/00
What does God see? God showed me a field of flowers, like fat water lilies laying on the water surface. All of these flowers seemed beautiful with only slightly torn or frayed edges here and there on each flower. Also, all these flowers flowed together as though moving down stream. If we ask God about justice for all, this may be why it comes so late, we are all beautiful to God. A truer picture of what God sees would be all one flower with intricacy related veins of people running through its petals. How could God destroy such beauty. How could you? Perhaps you can't, perhaps you could only destroy an underlying concept or layer and not the whole of it.
A better analogy or another way to recognize such beauty is to see ourselves as infants, children as God does. Look at any kindergartner room full of children and watch their interactions at play and learning, their different temperaments, abilities to pay attention, interactions with other children, and their constant tendency to keep and keep what the other child has. We try to teach these children tolerance and other qualities and we have not taught them to ourselves yet. Yet, if you speak of justice, how would you dish it out? Could you ever think to destroy these beautiful children for not learning their lesson quick enough? What if Susie and Johnny who have gathered most of the crayons and toys in their corner, refuse to share with the child who is timid and unable to hold on to any toys. A good teacher in these small cases can bring about a semblance of justice and equality, but not by destroying the room. Think of our whole world reduced to this Kindergarten Room as God looks down at us.
What is God to do? How should he bring justice? Will God do as Jesus suggests in the Bible, wait to pull the weeds out. What if God sees that it has gotten out of hand? That the children were not learning or that they were destroying the room and breaking up the toys? windows? Each other? Yes, what then? God is the teacher and will do what must be done--gently or sternly?
8/5/00
Our hearts determine what system we choose to live under. If our hearts and consciousness are selfish and infantile, then so will be the system that runs our world. Sometimes I think, "If only there was a true justice" but then who would be left standing? And I may not be among them. Economic justice alone might level three fourths of the population of the world down in size until they matched the quarter who live on less than a dollar a day? Wait, you say true justice would be each according to their own consciousness and ability to understand? Yet, most people deliberately refuse to understand or see the need for all people to share goods in a finite system. Although, thankfully, those who are truly young and exuberant and who are just starting their full lives, even evil seems to leave them more or less alone. Perhaps their love of life sends evil on its way. We should learn a lesson from this. But they will soon pick up our old habits and the system of greed we parents have chosen.
Also, when we think of justice, we should remember that there is one thing God will not or cannot do and that is to choose our course. God has given us the ability to choose the system in which we live. Individually, we can choose to follow God or not, but this choice does not eliminate God's reaction to our decision, his temperance or severity, relaxation of rules or punishment. During the diatribe of writing this night, Jesus has said nothing at all but God has smiled and frowned. It is enough to turn my knees to quivering.
8/15/00
What is prosperity? As I take a look at myself I suddenly realize that I am very prosperous. I have few needs that aren't fulfilled, the main one is lack of a companion. Real prosperity is acquiring what you need for equanimity not acquiring what you don't need. It is often hard to tell the difference and judgment must be made accordingly. When young and raising a family the needs are greater and also at different stages life. Youth needs experiences for education, teens need experience to spend and contrast people and items by interacting with one another and shopping and fulfilling their cravings. Eventually we should strive to outgrow these childish cravings. My philosophy of an ideal life would be low-key living with higher mental energy gradually replacing much physical effort. This coincides with most religious teaching and eastern thought so I am only restating the obvious.
I would like to see a more philosophic and balanced economic life style spread in the nation and thank those who are already poor because they are already half way there. Their gift is knowing how to live cheaply and still persevere in life. Probably, if a community could grow around such a philosophy it would need to be very tolerant of people who couldn't live up to its ideals, people who were at different stages of development and people of different religious practices; although I doubt if a community like this would be workable without strong belief in God. Sounds like we’re back to monks in a monastery. This philosophy depends on large part on meditation and achieving the mental energy that replaces many of our wants and desires. In that sense religion and a strong belief in God or the ground of Being or Allah is vitally important but perhaps not absolute.
What about evil? Evil crops up in any group or community. The ideal way to discourage greed and selfishness is to direct our pity towards the person who is so immature that they need to be greedy. Depending on how greedy they feel they must be and presuming they don't hurt anyone, we must look on them with a tolerant attitude but let them know how we feel. Substance abuse is intolerable and needs to be shunned if necessary because it takes away from the healthful mental energy of the whole community as does any evil. Substance abuse of hard narcotics makes too strong demands on the mind of the person using it, so hard that they can't recover from its effects but should not detract from a community’s ability to party and have drinks for pleasure. We must recognize, as God does that people are born and raised with difference needs and desires to fulfill themselves.
The highest form of human is a person who has fulfilled themselves and achieved their life's purpose then moved into the blissful state of being and becoming. None of this philosophy can be forced on other people although we could raise our children to adhere to many of its principals, they still must make their own choices.
This philosophy accepts the fact that mental energy impinges on us from all the earth and universe. And that we can only try our best in our small groups to gather this energy into a workable body of active value. Much negative energy still exists and must be closed off, evil or deliberate attacks on another human or life form would be an example of negative use of the mental energy of the group and should be smoothed out as soon as possible. It seems to me that many people won't be able to accept this philosophy at this time, that many of these people are those who have much, so have much to give away in order to live simply. Many are so filled with stuff that they have no need for mental energy to fill their lives. These people will fall by the wayside as the world progresses.
These ideals I have stated are the same as all the religions have been preaching for thousands of years. Some systems have been tried in various communities through out the years but did not persist. Why? Is it because human nature is inherently greedy? What does living simply mean? It means making honest decisions about what you need then choosing and acting on those decisions. It means to buy what you need to but to recycle older items when you can. It means to set aside a time for contemplation and ideally a place for quietude every day. It probably means living at a slower pace than much of the current society. It means downplaying the goal towards material status and increasing the goal towards workmanship and mental energy and the power it can give a person. It means using mental energy to enhance other people’s ability to achieve their growth potential and goals. It means that vital needs should be met for all in community. It means tolerance towards other viewpoints.
Also anarchy never works so some type of democracy must be put in place or other social system that sets certain standards yet allows people the freedom of choice. It seems to me that the quickest way to achieve a philosophic community of this nature is pride of certain accomplishments, any accomplishments besides making money. Pride in creating works of art or writing, pride in achieving mental powers, pride in crafts, pride in workmanship, pride in people management, child rearing, physical gifts, pride in all abilities, pride in sharing, empathy, teaching and having time to ponder and listen to another person's sense of pride as they grow to maturity. Silly, who would want to listen to my simple philosophy? The same things have been said more eloquently by better and more knowledgeable people than me.
8/21/00
Usually people who are highly evolved prefer to stay underneath the currents of the population. Sometimes they must become well known for a short time for various reasons. Gandhi would be an example of this. Many choose to stay anomalous but may agree to become known now because it is the proper time. The time has come to open up what was hidden, what has always remained hidden from the general public so they may see and make a turn around for the betterment of their world.
We should try to remember that even though there are only a few people who I have met or perceive who are highly evolved, I know them for a purpose, the purpose of writing about them in this third section. I suspect there are numerous people who are not highly evolved yet but who are growing in spirituality and will eventually arrive into the highly evolved status. I have not been in a personal position to meet people of this caliber on a social bases because I don’t get around socially. There may be many who talk about the state of the world and who are thinking about what to do about it but I don't meet them. I may have read their books. I know of people concerned with the state of the world but people I meet on a regular bases don’t seem to be involved in this problem of economy verses ecology. True, there are many other concerns. Take your pick which one you will pull for. We are little people and don’t have enough time or self-effort to pull for all of these charities or goals or world needs. What can a person do? I don’t know either. Maybe Jesus will tell us, maybe he won’t, often he makes me figure it out for myself.
Many people are learning to send their thoughts out to specific people but this alone does not make a person a highly evolved being. Although these people, like myself, are evolving, it takes a lot of self-control? Spirituality? Love? Wisdom? What does it take to be highly evolved? I can’t answer that one because obviously it takes a like mind to understand, but at the very least, I have learned about a few abilities and methods; they have great mental powers at their disposal, powers they can choose to use when or if necessary. My information I have gathered by bits and pieces over the years and since I began writing this book. It’s not much. I hope Jesus will help us understand better who they are and how we can emulate them. I want to know, don’t you?
10/2/00
When God lifts the veil of darkness for me I am suddenly blinded by the sunlight from the total universe. It is as though a black veil with a million pen holes cover the stage and suddenly God opens the curtain to the light. The veil opens to an orange gold haze of luminosity that penetrates my skin like an x-ray. I feel the urge to bow down in wonder at this new manifestation of God's love. This golden blazing energy gathers in side my soul like a golden nugget. How can I contain it? I can't. It begins to sing as it turns, spinning faster and faster converting visual energy into kinetic energy within my heart. Truly I don't deserve this gift that resides within my breast. I can only share it with others, it's light shines forth like a galaxy, or at least it will when I learn how and why I have been given it for safe keeping, because keep it I must until Jesus releases its power from within my soul.
10/3/00
During
church Sunday Y
came to visit. He was curious about what I considered sacred. He didn't understand the
pulling power of the
Just before he left, Y said, "I understand now," and he also invited me to join him one day during his own sacred rite. I would feel proud to do so but I wonder if my ability to concentrate is great enough for even ten minutes, long enough to witness some of his rite. I intend to try. I am looking forward to the invitation. Years ago I went to a Hara Krishna Service, which was nice with a lot of chanting and singing. Y's service, I am sure, will be much more profound.
I felt X all day Sunday. I felt his love for me and his concern and Monday too. Perhaps that is why I woke up feeling good this morning. I have been in a slight depression lately . His love brought me around. But I so wish he would visit and wrap his real arms around me. As I woke up I kept singing the song. "Don't worry, be happy" to myself. It still makes me smile at how absurd it is to worry all the time but I do anyway.
10/5/00
Evil is a force like a wind that we need to push against constantly as we go through life. Heaven serves as a counter force against it because it tries to give us what we need or supply us with what we think we lack. But evil entwines its way through our lives trying to annoy and then destroy. By allowing negative thoughts to take over I have allowed this evil force too much power over me so I was rethinking my life as regards to love and employment.
So Jesus asked me "What do you want to do." And I am astounded and begin to think and think and learning and thinking some more. He has thrown me a punch line. My immediate answer was easy and true, I want to continue writing but I also need to get employment that pays money. The next answer was long in coming especially since Jesus implied, as heaven often does, that what ever my answer was, it would be possible and heaven would help make it possible. This has been a part of my problem, expecting heaven to do all the work. I keep forgetting that I need to push against the negative force to accomplish anything just as I needed to push against the force to find heaven and learn how to travel with my mind. At least in this one area I pushed hard enough to find and accomplish my goals and only need to get the book published now.
Yes I would love the chance at a job like teaching as long as I could squeeze in time for writing. I need to get busy and feel like I am busy and writing is non-productive as far as feedback, acknowledgment or money goes. But what I want and like is often impossible to get. It is like that husband who would be my companion and provider so I could do all my writing and art and teaching. A dream that seems more and more over a lost horizon now. When ever I read of successful women writers or artists, they always had a husband to support them while they were struggling. This has been what I craved most in life but I forgot I needed to push against the evil force and get out there and fight first.
10/6/00
Jesus said I have used my "gift" twice. I don't know when or how or for what because I am still unsure of what heaven means by "gift". I know I had some very close calls where the other car stopped just inches from my own. Does that count? Maybe that is it. Not sure. Jesus has also showed me how to heal people, that is if I had the guts to try and know who. I am waiting for Jesus input here.
10/11/00
After struggling for a time I have come to realize that I am ready to reach out again into the mental realm. This is where my true friends are. I am ready to learn more about them. As far as my social life, I will try and improve it for the purpose of seeming normal but I seem to follow a different drummer. Social interaction may not be as import to me as it once was. This may be true for all of us as we grow older. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought this through. Y agrees with me. I feel him in the back ground, as I used to feel Jesus in the back ground, at the same time I feel his acceptance that it is time for me to move on. I also get the impression that not too long ago, he went through similar personal decisions and that, like all of life, it is a series of forwards and backwards and troughs and highs that finally carry us to our goal.
Interesting that I now compare him, or his method of teaching to Jesus. I still feel as though I have let him down because I am not able to concentrate well enough to visit and join him in a worship service. I have hesitated for that reason but I may be missing much; it may be that his style of training is what we are looking for to save earth and therefore will need to be spread widely through the population.
10/12/00
Father Thomas talked about marriage Sunday from the gospel. He said we all know that some marriages don't work out. I think most of us get this wrong. What God joins together is true but has anybody been joined together yet to become one? If a marriage is ‘one’ they could never be separated because their minds would also be joined into ‘one.’ Two peoples minds and hearts would be joined or touching even when they are apart, this is what 'joined together' means. A preacher joining together two people doesn't necessarily bond them together, even calling on God doesn't necessarily join them together as we suppose but it is a good imitation of what should be, a practice for the future when two people will be mentally joined together in the way of heaven. Is this only now becoming possible? I have often thought of this, that the message is for the future when this ideal pair of one will be possible. "When the two become one" is a phrase supposedly from Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas. In fact, it may be a warning of the end times but it has many interpretations.
Many of us
are so caught up in our own concerns that we completely forget the threat over
our heads. Why haven't I read anything in the newspaper about the bombs
triggered and ready. Why has this threat suddenly been neglected or downplayed
lately? It is as though when something doesn't get into the newspapers or news
it no longer exists as a reality. Years ago I read about the children living in sewers in
10/13/00
I tried to meditate because I am more calm in the mornings, lately I get so antsy in the evening that it is hard for me to sit without moving my limbs. But, as always happens when I get close to Jesus in meditation and God's kingdom, I forget about myself because the universe takes precedence. This morning Jesus took me back down into the brocaded cloth. We stood and let the gold, red and green colored (symbolic) stripes flow past and around us. I saw large clumps, wrinkled in the cloth ahead. These were events and conflicts soon to happen on our world. I would have liked to smooth this huge knot out ahead of us but Jesus said not to do that.
He said, "Some things must be."
"But I will be able to change some things won't I?"
"Yes." He answered," there are a few small wrinkles up ahead that will be yours to change."
It is all
much more complicated then I or you can possibly understand. The flow of cloth
behind me was very wrinkled and contorted in some places and smoothed out in
others, the same ahead. One of the knots ahead was the conflict in the
This cloth, rough textured and striped and flowing, is, of course, an illusion, a symbol of our world with life embedded between the weave. Then we would need to imagine layers upon layers of cloth like this stacked and filling up space to find an idea or approximate of reality. But even the movement of the cloth from front to back is an illusion. Every cloth and pattern or flower upon it is involved in the dance of life. Only God sees it all. It is almost as if God can't see the color of our skin because it is all gold from his point of view so why ask something so trite of God like who I am biologically or should I go to doctor? These little questions must seem silly to God. Yet many of us believe strongly that God is as interested in these little things as the big ones. I am such a minor event in the Universe, ready to disappear almost as soon as I popped up on the cloth.
Jesus said he was very proud of me and loved me deeply because I had reached the point of seeing the cloth and its flow and knots. I said I needed to leave now so I could write it down while it is fresh in my mind.
"Yes.” Jesus said to me, "Write it down."
10/15/00
In church today Jesus helped me use the gift. I believe we only used a small portion of the gift's potential but it wasn't used for physical sickness but mental. As soon as I felt it work I knew this would be the purpose I would choose to use it for most of the time. There are all kinds of sickness, not just physical.
I saw this lady and my heart just went out to her and I sensed her inner turmoil and need. Her face was scarred and she was sitting with the homeless men and looked as if she had led a desperately hard life. I believe God sent her the strength to over come her sickness and pick herself up by her own bootstraps, to help her start over again. It probably doesn't mean that she won't falter at some point, but I hope it means that she will get over a huge mental slump.
I felt so good when it happened, I wanted to cry for joy and hope for her well-being. Jesus didn't point to someone and say to heal this person, it was spontaneous and sudden and love seemed to flow out of me. God sent a small burst of power through me and sent it to the other person. I did say a little more than usual, I said, "Peace of Christ," then added, "Today and every day." I think I said more so I could hold on to her hands a moment longer.
10/31/00
Last night I learned something from God. God's light or power and immensity are so great that Jesus needs to shield me from it. If it wasn't for Jesus I couldn't stand the golden flow of strong light storm when I am standing in God's realm, uncloaked. Jesus sort of stands within me as I gaze on God's immensity of light after the curtain, black with pinholes of lighted suns opens. What God gives me as his Gift is a minute aspect of his majesty and might. It is as if from the whole ocean that covers the world I were given a small cup of ocean to share with others. The whole of the ocean is behind the cup. If it were to all pour out it would overwhelm everyone.
11/1/00
I wrote this the morning before work on the day my house was broken into. This period of my life I call the 'in between time.' It should be a period between writing ideas and doing. Later, there will be much for me to do for heaven. The purpose of my work will be to show the way, to lead, to instruct how others can achieve heaven and then we can all save earth. Jesus had told me before that it was not time, that people weren’t ready, they weren’t afraid or worried enough yet. The time is not ripe yet. As it says in the Bible, "There is a time to reap and a time to sow."
At this time the book is written and only needs to be published and printed out and distributed. This will take a few years, all told. Then it will take more years for its awareness to seep into people's daily lives and become widely known. By then I hope to have completed this section of the book. At this point, I am just throwing information into it because I am really waiting for input from Jesus . He explained that there is no hurry and that I should go out and live and enjoy life. I will concentrate on my other writings and art work and hope to find someone to share my life with. This is still my dream. It will be accomplished this time. What I have been writing so far revolves around my own notes. It will eventually grow to include real actions we must take or real knowledge we need to save humanity and earth. There will come a time when I will need to gather some of God's immense light or power into my self each day for use. That time is not now. Now I try to live in God's love. It is all about love but the word has been reduced to such a cliché that it no longer has power to teach us. But this is always what heaven, Jesus, and God is about.
Mary gave me a white rose this morning to hold in my heart. Her message was peace. I feel much better now that I read what I wrote yesterday morning. I don't feel abandoned anymore.
I should say something about the barrier between the physical and the ethereal or heaven. I have always noticed it being there but spent so much time on understanding Jesus and that realm of heaven that I kept ignoring it. Yet it seems like a true edge between universes. Ours and the one Jesus is in. I believe it is in Jesus power to dissolve this edge at any junction. I don't know if it is within my power but maybe. I even suppose that its thickness varies according to ? I don't know what term I would use here. I have always thought that it was a barrier of choice, a choice of reality over illusion, or good as opposed to wrongness. I am not sure what else I can say about it. I know that from Jesus and Highly Evolved Beings I get the sense the non-locality of mind is a true state and it is our job to learn how to move within this immense universe, to learn how to maneuver, floating as it were, without sign posts, but finding those sign posts that are needed to grip and hold on while we investigate this new territory of the immensity of God.
I felt so bad I wasn't going to transcribe or write the notes from yesterday morning. Now I feel much better. I realize that Jesus didn't betray me because I am, more or less, done writing his books. [This statement was certainly wrong.] So although I need to get another computer, I can overcome its loss and I did not loose heaven just because I lost a computer. It helped me to re-read what I had written that morning. No one ever told me that my life would slide easily by. So I should stop expecting it to. If I need to change course, then do so. Besides I find that I like working but I also like the art I have been doing lately and my new writings in the mystery book and the young adult's book I intend to write. It seems I have much to do so just go on and try and enjoy life while I am doing it.
Thank you Jesus
11/2/00
The worst part about having my computer stolen is my loss of faith with heaven. I feel violated and that heaven didn't protect my home. I think it also nullifies my books. Jesus had told me in my first book that everything would be ok until I didn't need it any more and that all would be restored. It doesn't look like that is true. I may have misinterpreted what he said but I don't think so. He told me over and over that it was all true. This is where the violation comes in. A computer can be restored, a broken promise cannot. If one part of the book is not true, none of it is true? This was my biggest hurt of all last night that heaven may have let me down. I am ashamed I yelled at Tom but I was upset. Actually not as upset as I let on because my real upset was because of heaven not my computer. After I learned that my books were still there, I felt better, although some of what I wrote is probably lost, I have retained most of it. If the thief hasn't come back today that is. I'll go home and check my files of disks and make sure I have My Files from the computer. I think I do in the drawer.
11/12/00
This morning, Sunday, I woke up early and decided to meditate. I learned a lot after I finally allowed the ripple of every day surface worries to settle down. This always takes me about ten minutes. When I had calmed myself with even breathing and felt relaxed, I directed my gaze at Jesus and I suddenly laughed and he smiled because I realized how easy it was to direct my gaze at him and why. He is ubiquitous, as God is ubiquitous, He adds that all heaven also has that quality but this was too much for my understanding.
Then I reached out my hand to touch Jesus as we entered space. The barrier was there that always seems to separate us at first for an instant, like a short flash of quiet lightning that turned on and off just before contact or a crackling piece of saran wrap tearing open. As we stood there, with every direction a possibility, I compared it to a stairway in the stars. A stairway that led up in every direction that I turned or down in every direction; can you imagine a circular stairway with infinite directions on which a person can travel? This is what I saw as I went with Jesus . This time as we walked into the brocaded cloth it was like embracing a storm tossed sea. Everything was undulating and moving. Jesus said this was more in tune with reality, more true than the quiet view I saw in my last encounter. The movement was true because everything was winking into and out of existence all the time. Like Christmas lights twinkling, every life, every part, every thought and action was being born and dying over and over again. The dance never quiets or stops–it goes on forever.
With each visit I had reached a new understanding of the golden brocaded cloth of existence, and I now realized that this also was part of the dance of the universe, that the levels of understanding are also unending. Not only could we ascribe a layer to every world and type of world but the levels of understanding or possibilities within each layer was like sinking into a different ocean depth of knowledge with every movement. The complexity is awesome and unending. It can’t be represented in it full multi-dimensional reality. Perhaps it could be compared somewhat to the movement of the expanding universe. The universe as it is represented like an expanding balloon but the balloon’s surface is made of thick Swiss cheese with movement at a twirling pace up and down and around during the expansion. It is too complex for me.
Jesus says that my many examples of layers and definitions and symbols will help people someday understand the closeness of God and how to reach him. This depth of levels for understanding also applies to the Gift I received from God. I can’t fathom its full usefulness or purpose at this time and may never understand completely. Partly it is the gift of writing and describing what I see, which includes the act of visualization but sometimes it includes the build up of power and strength that I will use someday to help people. This is also beyond my understanding, how and why God chooses to heal certain people as well as why use an intermediate person like myself. Does it have something to do with the belief system? Our belief in concrete events, of touch, of ability? Regardless I needn’t worry at this time what the purpose of the gift is. I know only this, Jesus said numerous times “You will have what you need when you need it.” He was referring to my use of the gift. So I wait with freighting anticipation that I will need to use it openly one day. But also I know that I will also use it as a quiet power that will flow at God’s whim through myself as conduit to other people. This time is not now. Personally, I think now is the time of gathering in supplies for a large siege. These writings are the purpose of section three and Jesus’ help and solution that will help us prevent world catastrophe.
11/21/00
Jesus told me at another time that I still needed to learn the difference between the truth and a lie. He meant that I needed to be able to discern when someone was lying to me from above. It is not easy to distinguish the truth when the statements make use your own mind. It takes a life time of learning how to guess when a human is talking and telling lies, so of course, it becomes doubly hard to know when you hear a lie inside your own head. It is even hard to believe that an evil person is out there sending lies out to people but I believe this to be true, most of the time. Usually I ignore these kinds of thoughts, they are not just negative but actually are lies; therefore, I can dismiss them as not worth my notice which is what most people do. Most people don't recognize evil when they bump into it. They just call it an adversity of life, hard luck, or fate. This may be the best attitude to take, see no evil/hear no evil.
We could look at the whole physical world as a lie on some level and most of the events that happen to us are less than the truth because they are always less than God? Or not enough of God. But if we all thought like that we would never get anything done. So this type of thinking must be wrong. We would all feel constrained by evil. Evil cannot constrain us, it can only tease and taunt. The problem is that so much of the taunts hit near enough to the truth to hurt deeply and seem so close to the truth as to be credible. I have been guilty of falling into the gullible hole too.
11/21/00
It is very important that I don't make the mistake of following the wrong path. My book depends on knowing where the truth lies. Jesus still tells me that, "The book is true." But I have to wonder because some things in it don't seem to be true. Or maybe I just haven’t waited long enough to let them become true. We humans become impatient easily but heaven has a different sense of time. When my computer was stolen I thought that it was proof that my book wasn't true. but Jesus said I will come out of this, "Smelling like a rose." So I will wait and contemplate and keep writing. Secretly, I believe my enemies stole my computer but after reading what I have written they realized that they didn't have any reason to fear me. I do not write against anyone, I have never been against any one unless they hurt other people. So I watch and keep going along life's highway.
11/21/00
Interesting
program tonight about adult brains choosing what to learn. choosing to learn by
actively exercising or enriching the environment. I choose what I want to see.
I mean out of a universe of choices I choose to see certain worlds
with Jesus as opposed to seeing events going on in
the city or our own world. I choose to see only what is in front of me most of
the time. I believe this- that I have the ability to see further than physical
vision would normally allow, that we all have this ability if we so choose. Most
of us choose to only see narrow selected part of our physical environment. I
could float over
I have agreed and chosen to enrich my brain with unusual and unique insight and events. Lately I have been very lax about this. Even about meditation. I think I needed my thyroid medication to feel better. I noticed that my thinking slowed down a bit. There are two kinds of thyroid hormones and heaven may not have helped with one of them. I also lost my appetite. This made me undernourished as well as tired. I noticed this in math class the other day, I couldn't seem to think clearly. Some protein helped. Does this also affect my travels with J? Don't know. I am ok now. Maybe it was an experiment on myself to see what would happen if I didn't take medicine. It helped me understand some people who do not think well and also understand other people who think superbly better than most of us in their own areas of expertise.
Medication and its various abilities is a case in point. It is a choice, an enrichment style and path that many choose to go down. It is totally opposite to the gadget-orientated life of most of American society. It is like the difference between a reader and a television watcher. By the way, I started watching more television lately, but I think I am just lonely for human speech.
My ability to see people stepping through time is a learned ability. Perhaps one that I agreed to explore? What about angels? Sometimes I see a blur of angels close by and far away. Once at her birthday party, Megan said, as she looked into the air, "I see angels.” I will never forget this because it frightened me into thinking maybe she was in some kind of danger. People often see angels just before they die or have some other accident. Megan was just fine, so why did she see angels? Why did she say this during that specific time? Did she see angels around her other grandma who was very sick with cancer? or did she see angels near me? Don't know. She was only three at the time and has probably forgotten she seen angels by now. I hope to never forget to see angels.
11/25/00
I have been going through a crises
for weeks. I have been alternately feeling sorry for myself and crying and yet
trying to hold on to hope that I am doing something valid and valuable for
humanity. I think the crises reached its peak yesterday. I woke up this morning
and realized or re-asserted to myself that what I am doing is ok. Yesterday I
saw the direction that my gift needed to go and this morning
I realized why. My writing is going in the same direction. It is all about
change in humanity. Humanity is changing, morphing, melting, stretching,
dripping, and becoming, this is what I write about and what my art is about. I
need to meet and interact with more people and friends, but I realize I am
different. I sometimes scream and cry against being different. It is like have
a defect or lack and screaming my anger at heaven doesn't do any good. But it
is not a defect, just a different way of seeing and being. I no more fit out
there shopping and going to dinner in the suburbs than I fit here in the center
of
11/26/00
This morning I listened to the chant tape and seemed to float beneath God's gaze turning gently in the breeze. I was the center of a golden lotus flower floating on a golden river . At one point, it began to rain in golden drops that I absorbed into myself. My center still has the golden power. I have come to think of it as silent lightning because it is energy filled with light rather than light filled with energy. For some reason, even when I am determined to bring my troubles here, I can't, I soon forget what impertinence they had and realize that they are not worth the bother. Most of our problems are too mundane for this golden place filled with love and light.
12/4/00
The other day after reading about the tragedy of the five children in the fire, all I could think of was their pain and screams. I begged Jesus to help me understand. He assured me that he came and got those children. He showed me the angels reaching into the flames and pulling the children out and taking their souls to heaven. This was a small tragedy that would be repeated a million times if they ever drop nuclear bombs. Could Jesus and the angels cope with that? Would Jesus pull us all up to heaven? the evil people as well as the good people? Today I was meditating and trying to imagine how Jesus could love all of us worldwide. Remember, he sees all the pain all the time. He can't dismiss it as easily as we can if we don't read about it or see it in the news. I had just read about the AIDs epidemic and other problems that plague our world. I tend to get over whelmed and dismiss large fractions of people as hopeless. Their numbers over whelm my imagination and so I dismiss them as uncountable and beyond my concern. I couldn't imagine how Jesus could actively love everyone on earth.
It was at this point that Jesus showed me himself as the Sacred Heart and he sent his own heart into mine so for a moment we shared the same empathy for the people of the world. I couldn't hardly stand it. There was so much hurt and pain weaved throughout it was like patches of dark pools and rivers and seas splashing and threatening to overtake islands still standing in daylight. Most of this running pain we don’t choose to see.
So far in this third section, I have been writing my own thoughts and opinions. Now Jesus said he will begin to give me input for this book. This sharing of empathy and love was the beginning and will point the direction this section will go. I know from past experience that once he begins to help me, it goes quickly. I have been very lax and slow the last two months and need to get back in gear. Hope to continue the mystery book and the young people's book too.
12/8/00
This morning during meditation I had the strangest feeling that I was going home, to a home that I had been away from for many long years. It was a pleasant and peaceful feeling. A contentment that made me feel complete, as if a hunger was being fulfilled. I would have stayed in this state of grace for a while longer but someone knocked on my front door and broke the spell.
I also visited with Y again. I still have much to learn, my training is so very incomplete compared to his, I wonder if I will ever be ready to join him? For now, I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of and many books to write. He is patient, he has great self-control while I have almost none. How will we ever fit together, we are such opposites.
12/16/00
It’s like the poem Footprints I was feeling very lonely, abandoned and sad on this bleak dreary day. I sat down to meditate and asked for Jesus help to make it through the day. This was when he was not only there for me but he also told me to open my eyes and he would be there in the room with me. When I opened my eyes Jesus was standing at my right side and his light rays shone and penetrated my body. The light rays gave me a since of fullness and love as if the emptiness in my life was gone and for a long while after the emptiness felt filled. Jesus said, "You will be filled" I believe this to be true. I thought to myself God knows what I need and Jesus knows what I need. So why worry. This was only one of those dreary days the kind that is hard on everyone. I was very thankful that I had Jesus help to get thought it.
12/17/00
I have been feeling so lonely and separate from the world I felt almost traumatized and frozen in place, unable to accomplish any work or art or writing. This morning even before I began to meditate and after I begged Jesus for help, I began to realize that I wasn't the only lonely person on the planet. In fact, I know a few other people who are almost as lonely at this time of year. I could call or write or somehow reach out and share myself. This would make me feel better. Then it suddenly hit me how I wanted to do this, I want to teach people how to meditate and travel for the purpose of helping the earth and other people and share with them a cause.
I felt ok then. I snapped out of my doldrums and felt almost back to normal. But I ask myself is evil the force that keeps pushing me down or pushing against me? Is it necessary or good by doing this? Does life take a combination of negative and positive forces swirling around like a tornado to make us learn? Is this negative force different than the evil one? Jesus says "Yes, this is true." But the evil one can use this negative force against us.
Life is a set of problems that we need to work out and think and learn from. Evil actively attacks our minds and persons and bodies. This is many times more detrimental than a negative force that hinders movement, I feel it like inertia, it is easer to do nothing than something like go places, meet people, travel.
Did anyone ever wonder how the sentiment changed so abruptly against Jesus. One day he was heralded as King and the next he was being persecuted? It was the evil one encouraging people to believe rumors and lies against him. Rumors, words face-to-face and whisper-to-whisper are the most destructive activities on the planet. It is the most potent weapon in evil's arsenal. Rumor plays on our fears and needs. Rumors have been instrumental in starting wars, hate against others, turning one group against another, making people shy away from love. Rumors are very alive, so much so that sometimes we don't even realize that we are contributing by listening. But even just listening can corrupt our thinking about a person. An idea once rooted is hard to pull out of its soft bed. This fact is deliberately used by evil to destabilize and disrupt harmony in our lives and in the world. It causes a rift to grow between groups and people of all nations. We must remember that Jesus is all conclusive. He taught togetherness and love for one another. Human to human. It takes a lot of guts to disregard rumors but we can.
What is the cause of hate in the world? It is seldom caused by actions but, instead, is caused by percepts and percepts are fed by fears, fear of loss, self-preservation, or personal need. Rumor can be more destructive to a person than picking up a gun and shooting. Rumors have set nation against nation, black against white, congregations against other groups. Everyplace we go there are rumors, work, church, shopping, visiting. It was a rumor that killed Christ. And Jesus knew who began the rumor. He knew all the while they were praising him. He knew how quickly they would change and turn against him because he understood our nature and the nature of the evil one who was working actively against him.
12/30/00
This morning I woke up at 4:30 almost crying. This whole holiday has been a low crisis for me because I have been so lonely. I compare my life to those I know in the suburbs, my families who have a lot of people around them. I have even neglected prayers, heaven, and Jesus with my loneliness and anger because I came so close to getting a boyfriend and then nothing. I was even silly enough to read my horoscope, something which I hardly never do, and it mocked me by saying "You have heaven that loves you but no love life" Had evil been watching over my shoulder? I cried all the more.
So in the morning I begged Jesus to forgive me. I know that I needed to rise above my own petty concerns and usually I can but lately I have been unable to gather my strength together. I keep asking why my life is the way it is while other people are out there spending money, and getting phone calls from friends, and invited to parties or dinners. I have none of these things. I keep dropping back into a hole, a hole of my own making by dumb choices in life. This state of mind may be why Jesus took me to where he did this morning.
It seemed almost like we left the usual universe because we went through a purplish, round, star-studded doorway into a deeper blackness beyond. Then I was suddenly confronted by human forms half lying on the ground. No I am not laying, they were merged together into almost a solid mass of flesh covering the ground. (I can hardly write this it is so horrible) It was a mass of flesh with torsos and hands and heads and arms reaching outward grabbing on to my clothing and Jesus being. All in various stages of decay or rot. It was red and purple and dark and dank and slimy feeling. If this place were named hell, it would be an apt title.
As I approached one body, it lifted its head and one arm to me and I prayed, to my horror, for it to disappear. It did disappear, by popping out of there. I went from half form to half form praying as they called out to me for help. I kept saying, "I pray for you." and sending my own emotions of love down to them. This seemed to help a few but most of the forms stayed welded together in contorted agony. I can't write any more for a while.
I was dismayed to find that Jesus ' presence and even my prayers didn't help much. Then I looked up at the horizon and as far as I could see, oh God I shudder at the memory, was this mass of human flesh tied and twisted together, melting and merging in slithering movements with the hum of agony filling the background. The flesh parts were unable to stand or rise up or away from another flesh person's being.
"I can't stand it,” I cried out to Jesus and we left.
Back in my chair, still feeling the horror of what I had seen, I tried to make light of it by saying, "Of course it was only a symbol. It wasn't real." Then I remembered God's golden garden and asked, "What about God's flowers? We are all flowers to God. Then Jesus gave me an image of a vast field of beautiful flowers but at one extreme area the color was dead and the flowers were shrunk and wrinkled black almost to sticks. I saw this as if from a far off distance that part of the garden was withered and dead.
"But this too isn't real, is it?" It is only a symbol an illusion?"
"Everything is illusion," was Jesus ' only answer.
Later I wondered why Jesus had showed me this. Was it because I had been feeling so bad and he wanted to take me someplace where they were worse off or did he take me as a warning. Earlier Jesus had said, "There is no tomorrow."
Had this been a symbolic view of the pain humanity would go through after the bomb was dropped on cities. Since this is also an illusion, Jesus could see this event as a timeless ending of days and nights for our world. Standing at the event in time, no tomorrow. Or was this whole travel experience a reflection of my own pain and longing and needs. Is this why we went there because it was what was in my soul at the time?
I don't have any solid answers, only hints from Jesus . I thought of Mary and the hurricane she showed me and shuddered. But this is all far into the future, I told myself. For now there is time to go out and play, if only I could find someone to play with. But I need to stop worrying about myself. My own worries are trite and childish. It is time to grow up and keep pushing through the barrier set against me by life. Life cannot be lived without hope, I must hold enough hope to go on with the chores God has gave me.
12/31/00
A new year and I’ve asked Jesus to help me in a new direction. It isn't good to be wrapped up inside yourself too much. so I need to find a group to join so I can interact. I would like to join some groups concerned with the earth. I will keep writing this Jesus asked me to do, it is very important. I haven’t been writing much since they stole my computer but when Jesus said I would come out ahead and he was right. My art is going good since yesterday. No sense in waiting for a publisher, actually the refusal letter arrived a few days ago so I will need to publish the books myself. What about this book? I don't think I will get it done soon.
I feel like I have lost my mystical well being during these last two months. I don't want to loose my understanding of Jesus or heaven. I need to keep aware of Jesus love for me. Heaven hasn't lost me, I have drifted away from it. Y seems to have drifted away too. Yesterday, January third, after I felt much better and seemed back to my normal self, Y said to me, "You are back" And indeed, I did feel suddenly back. He has been very patient, just waiting for my return to normalcy and for me to climb out of this hole I have dug for myself.
12/31/00
In church this morning, I kept revisiting the horrors of melting, massed together flesh. Even though it is only an illusion (I hope) or symbol, the horror of the visit won't leave me. I am afraid and fearful that it could be true, at some place or time, a real hell. But I keep telling myself, “God wouldn't let that happen to us, either before or after death, would he?”
Jesus commented as I was thinking this, "They did it to themselves, it wasn't God who put them there." I shudder and cringe at the memory.
It is a new year, I am determined to get this book published and edited. Jesus says it is ok as it is. I now realized that I am afraid to continue this section, afraid of more revelations. So far I have mostly put my own comments in these notes. Jesus hasn't even started yet, except when we joined hearts and empathy. I have been afraid at the beginning of each book to venture on. But the fear leaves as soon as I begin. This time I feel hesitant because Jesus gave me a small dose of what is to come by sharing his heart with me during that one visit. He said it was a small sample of what I will experience during the writing of section or book three. I guess I am afraid of the intensity of Jesus love and empathy. Am I afraid of loosing control, of being over whelmed by the agony of feeling his heart pour out upon humanity and other worlds? I should try to remember that Jesus never gives us more than we can cope with. He has been patient with me long enough. Now I must once more become his instrument and write his message and warnings to mankind. I will begin tonight. Last night Jesus said I wasn't ready yet.
12/31/00
I now wonder if I misjudged the gift I have been given. Instead of healing, could it be that its main intent is my writing. Is that what Jesus meant when he said, “You used it twice already"? Two books were written but waiting to be edited. The gift may include healing, if necessary, and preventing accidents but its main purpose may be to get Jesus ' words out to the people. Some say that Jesus was a pessimist. Perhaps if we could see the fate of humanity after it leaves the earth in death we would be too. Jesus keeps telling me that it is important to keep writing, imperative even. I'll try Jesus .
I sat down for a moment to deep breath and meditate and the sun was shinning brightly through the window and landing on me. I said to myself, "It feels as good, like God's light." and Jesus suddenly spoke up and said, " It is." I laughed, of course it is.
1/4/01
Is this the
beginning of the ‘Thousand years spiritual rein of God’? This is why Jesus wants me to teach
spirituality and mind travel? Even so, the warnings must
be acted upon, the damage prevented, earth and humankind preserved to live in
this future.
I am just beginning to realize and Jesus laughs as I suddenly figure it out, that the next 1,000 years may be the spiritual enlightenment that Revelation speaks of. Jesus has hinted about this before now. Jesus once told me we would become pious like in the Middle Ages. He told me that my life would change for the better, he said, “If I tell you, you won’t believe me.”
My life and emotions are reflected in my writings. This is the way it should be. How could I write about great joy if I don't experience some myself or the reverse, great pain? I think book three (section three)will reflect my feelings as I rise in status or emotional happiness or worth? This could be foreseen and planned by Jesus ? The danger and warnings are real but the last section of the book will be about how to prevent these catastrophes, how to live more spiritually, how humanity as a whole could accomplish its future for the betterment of all. Naturally there will always be vast numbers of people who will not ascribe to any change or spiritual awakening but the movement will be there, the beginning.
This new teaching by Jesus, I hope, will be a base for the beginning for the rise in spiritual growth, just as the spread of meditation in the west has been, just as Jesus name was the base of spiritual love and good works in the world.
I literally entered hell this morning with Jesus. I will never forget its horror. We must prevent it from becoming. We need to remember that history or the past is malleable as much as the future is. To change the future we must change the past, that is why we must worry about earth now and not wait until it is too late. When I entered hell with Jesus I also entered the depths of my own endurance, my own soul. Its almost as if Jesus stayed absent from my life so I could experience this depth of painful emotions. My pain may be a reflection of all humanity, since we are one in spirit if not flesh. In no way could I have ever imagined, in such vivid detail, the horror I was suddenly confronted with. Actually I had no prior hint that I was about to experience such abhorrence and turmoil on any earth. So I am afraid that in some time or place it is true and real even though I cry out that it cannot be. My body quakes that any human or other form of life or even someone I know could be there inside that turmoil.[I apologize that this section isn’t complete. I don’t know why myself. Perhaps I was referring to the mutilated body forms in had seen earlier.]
I read in the newspaper that some people in the world still have slaves and that they torture them in inhuman ways. I can't stand it that one human would do such things to another. We are supposed to be enlightened in this day and age. What or who causes these people to be so heartless? How do they grow? How were they nourished? We must somehow prevent and stop torture around the world and torture of the world by its people. Our misuse of our own people probably contributes to earth's trauma and death.
1/6/01
There was a
Free Press news article about
1/6/01
I spoke with Y again today. We sat together for about five or ten minutes. Most of that time we were silent and just enjoyed each other's company. It isn't often that Y is available for just sitting and contemplating with me, so I asked him first if he was busy meditating. He said that he wasn’t busy and that I could visit with him a while. One day, after I have learned more and am able to exist in mindfulness we will be together longer in spirit if not in body.
For now, I have too much unfinished business to take care of. He said he hoped it would be soon that we get together. By this I think he means a few years from now. It may be that he can see into the future more than I can and looks forward to our togetherness.
He is already with me when he chooses. He can zero in on my movements and share them but I can't do the same with him. Does this apply to X also? He is also able to block his psyche from mental interference from me or others. The only time I am with him is when he invites me in. This is ok by me. For some reason I don't mind loosing privacy with some people. It is as if we are two parts of the same whole, or opposite ends of a magnet. We will join one day. He is certainly the stronger and more capable. I think he really may be a Buddha or God who came to earth to save it. Perhaps my ignorance and weakness is the antipode to his attributes of strength and wisdom.
I still wait to join with X but have become as leery of him as he seems to be of me. Some person is working against me and I wonder if it is X or his opposite? Nevertheless X is part of my unfinished business.
1/7/01
The sermon today in church was about the Magi. The truth sticks out so vividly to me that I can't imagine anyone else not seeing it too. Perhaps they do but are afraid to think or speak of it. The belief was that "When a new star was born it portended a new king would be born. Obviously, new stars are seldom born, especially stars that stop and hover above the place of birth like the star did at Jesus birth. The stars are bringing new DNA and mental powers to earth by injecting earth population with a new strain of people and have been doing this for as long as earth has been populated.
If you don't believe me look up at the next satellite going by. Doesn't it look like a new star in the heavens, one that wasn't there years before. This was the advertisement for Jesus long ago, first the myth, next the expectation of his coming, third the new star in the heavens, fourth the new star hovering over one place on earth. It just means that the satellite at that time was governed by the watchers or angels.
I have known and suspected this for many years but now it is time to reveal the truth to everyone. Jesus came from space, or his seed did. He was also educated by heaven throughout his life and probably taken up to heaven to learn its ways before he began his ministry. He knew the universe then as we do today. But he could only tell us what we could understand. Besides, his real message was one of love and togetherness not scientific truths. Was he, even then, trying to prevent the catastrophe that he foresaw in the future/past? So his message is not knowledge so much as it is empathy and a striving towards oneness. All religions taught the same basic ideas and still do.
Odd, I considered not going to church this morning but it was Jesus who persuaded me to go. He wanted me to reveal the truth as I saw it in this gospel. That is what most of my books are about, revealing the wisdom of long held truths to the general public. As Jesus says, "It is time." The fact that Jesus might have been born out of heaven in no way detracts from the mystical element of his birth, life and death or religion in general. I used to ponder this dilemma for hours. But it is only our backward thinking that makes a dilemma out of it. Jesus exist as a physical and non-physical being (from our point of view) Most religions teach that we also have multiple existences, for example, souls, or anima. It is just that our scientific society believes that if you can't touch it or measure it, it doesn't exist. Well I won't step into that well again right now.
An interesting fact: We insist that there were three magi, we humans always use three as a magic number we delight in giving things three all the time, three books, three series, three parts, trinity, and right, left, center.
Odd but I am learning that writing is like art-it depends somewhat on my emotions. When I pour my emotions into my paintings they are better and this might also be true of my writings. This is why even my despair is valuable and my loneliness so that I can relate and understand Jesus message more aptly. Jesus has said my life is changing for the better and I believe he intends this new life to reflect in my writings about the next millennium. As a people we have opportunity to grow more mature, spiritual, and wise as we struggle to save earth.
1/10/01
Today I feel like heaven has set me down in the middle of a minefield all alone and told me to walk. Where are my resources? my help? my friends?
1/14/01
This morning during meditation I realized that I wasn't alone, as soon as I went high into space I saw many different people coming and going just as I was. This wasn't like Nexus because the people were almost invisible, wispy in form as, I suppose, I was. People were just there and then gone again. I knew that they were traveling just as I was but I don't know where they came from or where they were going. Some may have been from earth. Could it be possible that more people are learning to mind-travel? Or have they always known? The sky never seemed so crowded before. Or was I seeing the future?
Another thing I noticed was that my sense of time stretched like elastic while I was mind traveling. When I was done traveling no time had been used up by meditation tape. It was if time stood still for a moment. It may have been the sensation I felt as I lifted up. The meditation tape had played a gong or ringing sound that kept repeating itself and didn’t stop for a long time. The sound actually seemed to lift me up into the sky and universe. I loved the sound and never wanted it to cease but eventually it did. I wonder what would have happened if I could have kept the sound going.
Later that morning I decided to review the gospel for this date since I didn't go to church this Sunday so I read the section of the last week’s church paper but miss-read it somehow; Instead of 1 Corinthians, I read it as 2 Corinthians, but it was what I needed for that day. The writing by Paul, "Whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows," gave me courage to stop questioning the veracity of my activities during my mental travels. I haven’t been doing much of it because I am waiting for something, don't know what. Jesus tells me there is no hurry at this point and that we will get back into the substance of section three soon. For now, I have been working on my mystery book.
1/20/01
This morning after sitting quietly and thinking and meditating I realized that I wasn't ready to Put away childish things. Most of our compartments or needs in life are childish. Church services, friends, work, shopping, gathering together. We could broaden this category to countries, some are more childish than others, or less developed in mental habits. It is another way of saying there are higher orders of being and we are all at different levels or stages in this order. The most important thing is that we keep groping forward.
I went from this realization to the heights with Jesus. Heights so huge and beyond my understanding, I laughed at my own perplexity. And this perplexity persisted even though Jesus joined inside me and I within him. We became one as he expanded the idea of the development of life beyond earth into the heavens, into the galaxy, into many galaxies and finally into total universal states of being. This was not the end, universe after universe began penetrating our awareness. This was so far beyond my ability to comprehend that I had to laugh and beg off. I couldn't get it. But I was left with a joyous sense of moment. I felt so good I began to dance, I just couldn't help it. I wanted to dance.
Odd because this morning began with my thinking negative thoughts. I began to wonder if I was being pushed into a corner further than I realize. Or, I realized, I could use this same little upset and see it as positive. This was Jesus instruction to me. that the negative was weaved throughout the positive and both were joined in a grip whose bond was greater than anything we could imagine. I saw this as a weaving together into a tight wall of solid matter or like right and left hands inter weaving fingers together to make a fist or like beads of matter falling and flowing and circulating around each other and coming together in a banded net of light and dark pieces grown gray. This is the substance of the universal building blocks of everything. This is what Jesus showed me as filling all the universes--all minds , all matter, all non-matter. And the groping and bonding and dancing never sleeps or stops or ceases. God is truly playful. Perhaps instead of Brahma blinking the universe into being, he keeps laughing it into existence.
2/1/01
Hubble photos, photography, art faces made from large pictures, fractals, all add up to the moving and stirring dots of life around us in the matrix of our world. We visually misinterpret what we see all the time. We are all, individually or together, clouds of gas that only looks solid, six billion people around the globe like six billion dots that take on multiple patterns from a far distance, a solid mass of humanity circulating on this globe we call earth. Which brings me to my next step; I keep complaining about not having anyone to be with, a solid person, a companion, but I have had the angels near by and Jesus and Mary and lately higher evolved beings. How could I be lonely? I keep saying it is not enough, that I need real physical beings for love, comrade, and human companionship. But perhaps I am wrong to hunger for these things. True, we humans are gregarious but maybe I need to get over come this urge as my next step in maturity. Unfortunately, we can’t recognize what our steps into maturity should be beforehand because its understanding is still beyond us. So, I don't mean that I should give up people but that I should realize that what I really want and need is as near as my next thought or his. As an example, Y is nearby often just as Jesus is near by, there is a difference. I love Y already because he has the strength of character I admire but I am not ready for him. Eventually we will get together but not yet. I also love X. He is mysterious and, so far, has stayed just beyond my reach.
The lesson may be that we can have each other to know but we can never touch in a physical sense. But Jesus has said that he and I will touch someday. I love a number of people and I believe we are soul mates. Does this mean that we can have a number of soul mates and spiritual lovers? I have never faced this possibility before. I have always been the kind of person who has only one man at a time but now I find that I can have many soul mates. Not sure how to think of this. If I carry this idea further it would not exclude women either, although it would never be sexual just close friendships. A few of the people I perceive who can speak with their minds are women and I don’t know how I know this.
To sum up, I may wind up with many lovers just not the kind that I thought I'd have. Jesus always said that I would have many lovers, I keep repeating that I don't want many men, only one. But I may have been thinking backwards about this issue. Maybe it is like this: every person is different and every person has something different to offer or take from me. I need to learn that my lovers are close by and that we can touch minds when we choose. It is a new style of love in the world? That is the lesson, life can be lived on higher ground, a higher mental plane as well as on a physical one. Will this satisfy my hunger? Is my relationship with Jesus a forerunner to how I will feel about this kind of love? Jesus has filled me to the brim with love during certain visits, it is only later that my hunger returns.
Could all my lovers be like my relationship with Jesus? Could my life ever get so full of love that I never hunger again. I realize that to give love is to receive it, to send mental love is to contact a lover and get love back? Am I supposed to be a living example of mental love. Now I feel a sexual pull in every direction and a fulfilling promise everywhere.
2/3/01
During meditation today before church, I asked Jesus to take me on the next phase of my education as I climbed a tall stairway in the sky. At each step it was like an explosion outward in every direction, like star burst. My next step could have went in any direction, the choice was almost infinite. The stairway was infinitely long and twisted up into the deep far off universe. It was a silver, open staircase made of starlight. It rose to heights beyond my view. I took a step and found myself in God's golden garden with Jesus leading the way.
I was wrapped in a long golden transparent cloth that kept winding and winding around me. Then I realized that I was inside my own flower. My flower of life. I could walk in and out of the flower as it twisted and curled. Jesus motioned for me to walk forward. We walked into the future of this single life of the being I call Diane. It is but a moment in God's garden but made up of times stretched outward and squeezed together, events pouring from my mind, solid items coming into existence and turning back into ghosts in the blink of an eye or flooding slowly back into the matrix of my golden flow of life. I watch pieces of my future unfold in bits and pieces of scenes that I take note of for a moment before they winked out again.
I know that art and writing continue far into my future and that I remain close friends with Jesus. He remains close by until my life finally wears itself out. I see us travel together in the universe and that I will write about it. I tended to avoid any dark fields of future events that stay hidden behind folds or contortions in the flower. I preferred to stay and bask in the light and I felt wholly nourished within this life that I had agreed to live, it was complete. This felt good because often I have thought my life was so useless and uninspiring. During weak moments I thought perhaps shouldn't have been born because my life seemed so worthless. My golden flower proved me wrong.
2/5/01
When Jesus showed me my future I saw events as jumbled and only chose a few areas to take note of. It was hard to hold anything still long enough to recognize it, like pulling on a kite in a strong wind or a slippery fish. Potentially, I could have viewed my whole life and future but besides not wanting to know too much, I didn’t know where to stop the flow. It resembled a filmstrip, no a pile of filmstrips that a kitten had played with because nothing seemed orientated in linear time. It was a jumbled mixture of events whose arrangement was unfathomable to me.
I couldn’t see any one else’s fate only as other lives touched on my own. I also didn’t see dates or specific times. I had no reference to when or why an event had occurred. All I saw was a small sample of future events, and these seemed malleable, nothing seemed to be set. It was like touching the surface of water and trying to catch and hold your image as wave after wave pulls it away. It felt as though pushing on an event could change its character or form.
I seen a few details with specific events I choose to review. One event I watched was myself refusing to go on television because I was wrapped up in a mystic union with another person and I thought this union to be more important than a television appearance. I considered it to be a silly intrusion on my time. I also saw that my paintings were selling very good but I still felt disappointed because didn’t consider my art to be anything great. I will probably never be a great artist and this lack will hound me forever. Selling my art was not a true measure of art. How did I pick up all this knowledge within the single images I viewed? I don’t know but I seemed to grasp the whole of each situation at once. Will they become true? Maybe but who knows? As I said the whole effect seemed like a shimmering bowl of jello. I could have disturbed and changed events just by watching. It was too far beyond my grasp and I was happy to leave.
2/7/01
“Yes,” Jesus will take me on travels that will be "Issues of the heart." So instead of facing this new mode of being, I run, I hide, I escape into my own importance and busyness. I tell myself I don't have time to dawdle in mysticism during this period, these few months in my life. How silly of me and shortsighted. But perhaps it is just a reaction to becoming too out of this world. Jesus said I will go with him and that I will be ready when he is ready to take me. Of course, I know this is true. Also I keep getting hints that I will have a companion soon. Will it be X? maybe. I already know that Y and I will join one day in the future but I need to get my book written and get other business finished first. I also need to keep maturing. We are together now but we aren't joined in one union. So far X is into subterfuge and role-playing. I can't believe or know the truth of anything he says or shows me. How can I deal with this issue? Are a lot of men involved? Plus, for some reason I can’t forget these words, “You will come face to face with evil one day.” They stick in my mind and continues to concerns me. But he also said that I will have what I need when I need it. Could X be evil? I don't think so. A bent towards role-playing is not evil. a lie to hurt or damage someone is. I remember that Jesus also told me once that evil is very short sighted and can't see morality or understand the rational behind it. The person of evil, any evil person, is flawed that way. Is X flawed in that way? Don't believe so but he does like to tease. Are we to be together like a wispy thought? Or in some other way? Am I to be with someone else? What do I need and want? Jesus help! Tired of being, need a change, rest and fresh outlook. "Soon," Jesus’ answer flows out to me, “Soon.”
2/10/01
I can see the hand of evil all around me, pushing a constant wind towards me as I stand tall against it. Most of this wind blows past but I can see its effect on the shutters and windows inside every mind I know. This force is so prevalent that I wonder if it is just a sample of the negativity that is all around us. But this is stronger and more persistent? Luckily I also see people's minds rebel against this evil or negativity.
Negativity is a necessary component of our world, if any world made of matter. Death is a sample of this negativity, matter decays. What I see pushing against me is different and selective. I used to think that evil pushed everyone evenly and that some people were better at avoiding its temptation. But now I know that evil is more selective, true it tempts everyone, but it hounds certain people unmercifully in its never-ending battle against God. Those who grow close to God or will do special work in God's name are destined to feel the brunt of evil's hammering taunts, blow by blow. Sometimes I feel on top and beyond this evil force and my life runs smooth but at other times I can watch its undercurrents.
Evil can be very sly and subtle as it uses people against each other. Hints, rumors, and psychic ideas inside our own heads are its ammunition. These methods are easily pushed and spread in any community and no one can ever find the source. And, yet, evil may not be anything more than a taunting voice inside my head. It exists but may do as Jesus does and send thoughts to receptive people without actually being there. Because remember that it doesn't really change matter to cause evil, it uses our minds, our hopes, our dreams, our needs, and our own yearnings against ourselves and others. This is its mode of activity. I have read that mystics in the past considered evil to be nothing but a jokester who plays games with peoples minds. So I should learn their lesson and laugh at evil's antics and plays. I should learn to float lightly above and through the days as a gentle breeze across the waters. This is what the eastern religions teach and mean by mindfulness. I hope to achieve this one-day.
2/10/01
I wasn't going to write this but Jesus said it might be pertinent to other notes. When I woke up this morning I had the startling sensation of falling. A huge slab of white cement was slanted in my direction, like a roof of a house. It had just fallen and I needed to stand up and scrape dust off myself. Naturally I was badly frightened but amazingly unhurt. Interestingly, I don't know if it was me who experienced this or not. I could have been feeling and seeing what some one else did during a quake. I also don't know when it happened. It could have been an event in the past or future or even in some past life. Also it could have been something that happened in my future. I sometimes dream of the future. This is scary. I felt as though it was a real event. It was very real, vivid and frightening.[3]
I had forgotten all about it until I was thinking about the big question in my life, should I move or not. I need help from Jesus for this decision. I was thinking that only he knows the future and perhaps there may be a reason that I should stay in this area. He said once that this area was stable compared to some other areas of the country. Yet I seem to keep getting pushed into moving out of here. There are not a lot of personal reasons for me to stay or go. Jesus said that when and if it is time for me to leave, I will know. So now I refuse to worry about it.
Jesus said for this book he will be giving me all the information I need in a short time like pouring it out to me in just a few settings. Each of these three books or sections have been different, each a surprise to me, each improved my growth tremendously.
2/13/01
I was sick with a cold today so I
didn't go to work. Before I began my day of writing on the computer I wanted to
dedicate and pray for the many people in
I put the Buddhist tape of chants on. During meditation, I met Y. He asked me to join him in a walk. We walked down tree lined paths. I mentioned how important it is for people to be surrounded by beauty sometimes. He told me I was invited to visit this serene setting any time I wanted. I thanked him. He said he wanted to show me something so we kept walking. As we walked our paths crossed a few other people also strolling down the path. I thought maybe one or two were as I was, traveling. This pleased me but Y said only a very few people were able to do this wondering out of body. I also understood that this ability has been a Buddhist tradition throughout the ages but that only a few ever reached this level. A person had to study and learn self-control and struggle for a long time to achieve this ability. The science aspects weren't understood until just recently that it might be achieved by anyone who sets their mind to it because our minds are non-local although it still takes a lot of learning, practice and ideally a sense of equanimity.
We talked as we walked I apologized for my constant talking. I said I realize that I had so much more to learn just to get to his level. But he thanked me in return for opening up vast tunnels for our minds to travel in. I suddenly saw the image of open tunnels leading away in every direction and understood that some people were now traveling those tunnels into the universe. I was very pleased but still felt humbled to be around such mental steadfastness and equanimity as his own. He is a master while I am still a novice. I can only hope to achieve this level of well-being some day.
As we walked we came to what he wanted to show me. It was a small flame rising out of a metal plate set in the ground. Small bowls sat nearby. Another person sat near the bowls. I knelt and this person reached into a bowl and brought out something on his finger (ashes?) and put his finger up to my forehead just above and between the eyes. Y told that many people wore that same symbol of the third eye but that most didn't know what it really meant. He said that I had earned the honor. I felt very honored to receive this symbol. I tried to stay even minded but I need to admit that my pride got in the way. I felt very good to receive any type of symbol of respect from this great man. I am still such a beginner that I think the ability to travel was given to me by God because I had did little to achieve it. I don't think I deserve this respect but I accepted with the solemnity of the occasion.
We began walking again down the small paved paths between the trees. He spoke then and agreed that we will join or meet one day. He implied that he would be patient and wait for me to complete my own mission in life. I told him that I still needed to write this book. Then I asked Y if he minded if I wrote this visit down. He agreed that I could. I thought of my love for Jesus and felt a slight conflict. He said that Jesus could be with us when we joined in union. Also I learned that the flame I saw earlier was a symbol of God on earth.
I was still meditating and returned to my present position on the couch when I began to worry about finishing the book. I can't know all the people I mentioned I needed to learn about in the front of the book and despair of ever knowing them. Jesus assured me that I would learn all I needed to know about them eventually.
2/13/01
My calmness has evaporated. My neighbor Dorothy just told me on the phone that she is so full of cancer that chemo won't help but Jesus told me once that she would be ok. He has repeated this message over and over to me. Once he said that "You need to do it." I am so upset because I can't do anything. Does he mean that I should hug her and make her well? I can't.
I don't know what is the matter with me any more. I can't seem to feel deeply for anyone. I am afraid to love everyone, friend or lovers. I keep holding back. I kept laughing at Dorothy and saying "Oh she is just being a hypochondria I kept saying to her "You arn't really sick." But this was partly because Jesus told me she was ok. Cancer is cancer, it is not ok. I have a hard time believing that she has cancer. I keep saying no, no, because I didn't believe she was sick for so long. I wonder if evil did this to her for a joke, some joke, to discredit my book and Jesus.
I can't help her, no one can, only Jesus. I remember when they told me I had a great gift. He showed me how to heal but I can't, it doesn't work for me. If that gift isn't true, than nothing is true. Jesus says everything will be ok, "You'll see." So where is my faith. It went out the window with learning Dorothy had cancer. Also, how can she be helped if she believes it too. Doesn't it take a good mental belief in getting well to get well?
Now I worry if it was Jesus or not who told me that Dorothy would be ok. Was it Jesus telling me? I know it was, I know it when Jesus speaks. So I can only wait. I used to be so sure that it was Jesus speaking and saying that she was ok that I didn't worry about her. Even when her family worried I laughed and said it was nothing. But when Jesus says she will be ok, does he mean healthy in life or death?
I remember now, he showed me that she would loose a lot of weight and go through a lot of pain and trouble but that in the end she would come out of it ok.
Now I am afraid. I don't mind admitting it to the world and Jesus. I have known this woman for twenty-five years and we have had our differences but we remained neighbors and friends throughout. It comforts me that she lives across the street. She must stay around. God's golden light will penetrate her body and give her the strength to fight on. I know it.
Evil mocks me now but God will have his say. Now I understand how Jesus felt, why he cried when he heard Lazarus was dead. Jesus knew evil was taunting him because death cannot be overcome. Evil probably said, "What are you going to do now. He is already dead?" or something similar. At least, " Jesus wept.” God help me but I can't even cry. I think I figured out that I need to take Jesus with me to visit Dorothy. I can't do anything on my own, this situation needs Jesus.
2/14/01
I sometimes think the world can be divided between the young and old. Young people are so full of life and so immature that they can't see evil for what it is and this is just as well. Middle age is where you begin to recognize the many problems in life but still, real evil doesn't enter into the picture. It takes a very mature person to see real evil and how it works. Notice all the many older philanthropists who began to feel very spiritual at an older age and began to go in spiritual directions and give money towards their different causes. They stand out because of their wealth but it happens to many older people. Then also there have been the saints and mystics of all religions who have attained wisdom and were able to speak of spiritual goals and the true face of evil. Some have been able to laugh at evil as childish pranks. This was because they had outgrown its ploys and perhaps they were secluded from the world, more than it is possible to be secluded today. I don't know if being secluded helps much, then evil attacks the mind instead of pushing people around it pushes you around. It is always at work. If it can't tempt you, it goes after those around you. It never rests but then, neither does Jesus. Heaven and the angels are always working. I have seen this in my own life every day. The battle is constant but because evil is immature and short sighted it will loose in the end. As Jesus says, "It is already doomed to failure." What I find so very sad is the many people work for evil because they believe they are doing something good. Jesus is all-inclusive. Those who are not inclusive have set themselves aside by preventing or destroying other people. Then again, Paul also destroyed other people before he became converted and we are still reading his words every Sunday in church.
2/15/01
I am worried that Dorothy's cancer is the leveler. Evil taunted me long ago that "this is the only book that will get published." He meant the book on the web now. I shrugged it off because I believed they would all get published. I didn't take into consideration that I would stop trying to publish them myself because Jesus told me Dorothy would be ok and she isn't. It isn't that people shouldn't get sick or die, it’s that Jesus told me she was ok. Now I wonder if it was evil telling me that to throw me off. I believed it and now I don't know how to feel. Jesus said he will make it right, he will see to Dorothy but I don't know how. It has gotten too serious.
I don't even mind that I can't heal her like Jesus told me how to do. He explained that I just needed to hold someone's hands and believe they were well. Well it doesn't work I know because I didn't feel anything going out of me when I tried. I as the giver would need to feel the flow from God into the person being healed. I haven't felt anything. Once in church I felt a slight flow towards that women with the scars but it might have been just pity. Don't know.
My feelings don't seem to be working any more. When they gave me the gift I felt extremely golden for that moment. It lasted through out the day but then dissipated later. In church when I thought to let the golden light flow, a strong voice suddenly stated that "These people don't need it." And I felt turned off and have felt that way since. What does it mean? Many years ago when I broke up that clot in the young boys throat, I could feel a click when it happened. I suddenly moved something inside him and he became ok. I felt it work. So if I can help someone I expect to feel it work. I don’t really want to go in this direction. People don’t need healing so much as they need to grow up and become mature and wise. This is what is needed more than anything else in the world. I don’t know how to give them this.
Where are my feelings. Is it because I don't have anyone to love? I keep dying inside every inch of every day because there is no one near to love. No man, no family, no children, no friends? This is wrong. I am exaggerating because it isn't true. All I need to do is reach out. Why is there no one for me to love? It just hasn't been all my fault. Something keeps pulling against me. I don't know how to fight it alone. When is Jesus going to help me find a lover?
I didn't write about what I saw during meditation the other day because I don't know how to think of it. So I won't write about it now. It was a vivid description of what Jesus looks like and how I will recognize him when I see him. He had the same eyes I am familiar with and his mouth had the crinkles at the corners and … It all began when Jesus asked me “What do I look like?” I answered “I don’t know.” So he showed me. This bothered me because it was so definite. I am not used to getting definite information from Jesus. Perhaps there was a reason that I should know at this time. Jesus has said that I would touch him in the flesh. If that is true, then he is here now, on earth, among us, or he soon will be. Think about that people.
2/18/01
Jesus tells me to write the whole truth about the different people. At this point most of the truth I know is speculation and guess work. I still have a lot to learn in order to write Jesus request. Plus I am not sure how much detail about people's lives I should put in. I don't think I want to give names away, I wouldn't without the person's permission anyway, but I believe it is important to describe the attributes and special abilities of certain people. The world needs to know what is possible to achieve. They need to be made aware of the advantages of further spiritual growth.
Interestingly,
the trend in fantasy fiction foreordains this because fantasy is about power
and the battle between good and evil. Remember SF was very big in
the 70's and 80's. It foreshadowed the trend in science and technology. I think the
trend towards fantasy tells us that people want power and abilities beyond the
normal or what most humans have been able to achieve so far. A list of what
a few have accomplished in their mind and psyches will play into this longing
to increase in mental power which we will need to save the earth and ourselves.
The leader of the Falon Gong in
1 Corinthians 15:54-55
“And when this which is corruptible clothes itself in incorruptibility and this which is mortal clothes itself with immortality, then the word that is written shall come about:
Death is swallowed up in victory.
Where O death is your victory?
Where O death is your sting?”[4]
I have learned some things about X. I have learned how well he can play a role to perfection. In fact, that is what gave him away to me once, he was too perfect in the role he chose. I could see beyond his acting ability because he used a certain trait that he kept repeating over and over. He would never answer a question but always kept throwing questions my way. If he is in the character of an oriental person, he uses a camera extensively, a cliché, Actors do this
all the time, they over dramatize the role. Of course, I know to look for any wrong move in X and most people don't. One man had a bad eye and a large pimple that was all red and swollen in a prominent spot. The purpose was to keep sending my eye to the bad spot, it keeps you off track. This works with names too; at one time, I thought I could see a trend in the names X picked out. Before long, it became obvious to me that the person with the pimple was made up for the purpose of hiding who he really was, I don't think anyone else noticed. Maybe he wanted me to notice that he was made up? He might be a part of the group who knows I am writing this book. Other people play roles too. They are so good they are hard to spot and you could go nuts just looking for them so I don't try. They may be so good because they have been playing roles for a long time. They even incorporate these roles into their real lives, in fact, they make the character a part of their life. All the reasons and rationales for their behavior is speculation because I have no evidence to go on. But one of the first clues I ever had was seeing a bum or drunk hanging on a telephone pole but he didn't have the smell of a drunk. I know because I lived with a few drunks. This was a big give away. Even though the person was totally convincing at the time, later when I thought about it I realized that it had been an act. I may have noticed this because I was looking for a disguise. I was looking for angels. Angels too are walking around on earth as ordinary people. They have a certain quality that is different from people playing a part but they also fit into their part very well so well I probably miss them often.
X is so great at what he does I wonder if his leaking out the sides or his role of perfection wasn't done on purpose to clue me in to who he really is. It may be deliberate that I notice his many forms. I believe he has been instrumental in teaching other actors how to play their roles to perfection. I may be wrong in this. X is the ultimate in acting because he not only takes on difference character, he physically assumes a difference shape, mannerism, fragilities, mode of speech, etc. He literally becomes the character he is playing, so much so, I wonder if he could even drop the role in his own mind during the act. I have since learned that he can think about the role he is playing. I think he can become tall or short, fat or thin. His face can rearrange itself like rubber. He can even change the youthfulness or his hands, from soft, to clean, to hard, to calloused.
Who is he? Is he good or evil? I may never reveal the truth even if I learn it. Jesus told me he has been playing roles for a long time. When did he begin and when will he end? Don't know. Perhaps he will reveal this information to me at some point. Perhaps this information should remain hidden forever? It may be something that no one wants to know or believe. The most important question is, is he good or evil or both? Has he been corrupted over the long years or has he always been corrupted? Is his main concern with humanity's well being? Our frailty? Is his theme to help us? I can't tell from his actions because the role he plays may include attitudes that have ugly views. There must be an inner quality of character that will reveal his real purpose or I may be crazy and just think I see him?
One purpose of the role players could be to spread virtue or distress. It would be easy to change the circumstances of a person's life by having the character in the role start a rumor because evil isn't the only one who can use rumors to advantage. The right word in the right place can do wonders for a career or destroy one. There are a lot of reasons why a person might choose to wear a disguise in public and it is my own distress that I pick up on their disguise, they could even be working undercover or they could be angels or anything in between. Who knows.
2/19/01
Also the possibility exists that he X is playing a role-playing a role. By subtle hints and insinuations he could be purporting to be someone else that I know in disguise. Wow this could get so deep I’d never wade out of it. I can only trust Jesus to see me through. I have seen other people in disguise who still resemble themselves but are playing a different character. This could be deliberate to make me think it is that person instead of an angel? This speculation may not be true because I can't find a reason for such deceit. Obviously some people not in the role-playing are aware of what they are doing and why. Jesus tells me that I will understand fully soon. At some point I will need to decide what can be revealed and what must be kept hidden.
I keep remembering a speech one person made a few years ago. He kept saying, "I was there, I was there.” At the time, I thought, I was there also. we were referring to Jesus time. I wondered how many other people were there also and now here in this time. Also what odd circumstances had thrown many people together who had been 'there.' Surly it was God's work that so many of us who had been there during Jesus time are here now, in one city. Now I wonder how he was there.
I know I was re-born into this time, but where did he come from? I have to wonder if he and a few others have never left. Wild speculation I know but still I wonder. Remember in the Bible when Jesus says to the apostles "you will not taste death until I return" Was he talking to the people I refer to? Jesus loved me and I wasn't included in this decree. I may be the town crier who tells of things to come. the one who prepares the way of the Lord? Maybe. Maybe not. The last five pages are pure fantasy and speculation and wonder and questions. I don't think they should go into book unless I get more substantial evidence. [5]
2/19/01
Jesus took me through the Universe tonight. He said he had a lot of strange and wonderful things to show me for book three. He said that book three would consist of systems that work for one reason or another. and then he showed me a panorama of the universe moving around until it stopped at one specific place. It looked like a jewel in a king’s crown. The ruby stones arraigned around a central glow. Closer inspection showed that these were worlds arraigned in perfect harmony that resembled a filigree of precious gems set by a jeweler of the utmost precision.
Jesus said they had actually moved
the worlds in this sector. They were the finest engineers in this area of the
universe and well known for this trait. Their system of
worlds worked politically and technically. Their civilization was extremely long lasting
and enduring. I immediately thought of
"Do they travel to other worlds in the strands of tunnels we saw?"
"Yes they are well known and considered the best engineers in the area and called on to help others often.
"Are all the worlds linked by the tunnels?"
"Most of them"
"Are they all good? I mean without war?"
"No, if they have a war they loose their tunnel or connection, that would be death to any world. None of the systems would dare fate that much."
"What would happen if they did?"
"The tunnel would actually shrivel up and disintegrate. Their link would be gone."
"God?"
"No, it is a natural process. It is a mental bridge of a kind that you wouldn't understand. If it isn't maintained it will collapse. It has physical stricture but is bonded by mind."
"I can't understand that."
"Yes, I know."
"You just showed me part of their world. Can we actually go to it?"
"Of course. It will be like one of your science fiction worlds with rolling roads and clean, perfect parks. It is a paradise to many, but you won't like the perfect arrangement or design. I'll show you."
Jesus took me there. First we stepped on a rolling road. I couldn't see any seams or mechanism that made it move only that it slowed down at the edges and small paths branched off in different directions. Jesus said that material goods were also delivered on rolling roads that ran in tunnels beneath the city.
“But it is a lot like a science fiction story.”
Jesus smiled and explained that I should realize that human people everywhere build similar structures and utilize like ideas. They create similar strictures of behavior, thoughts, buildings, and patterns on almost every world. The big difference if often the age of the civilization because people mature in similar steps as well. On these worlds, technology and mechanical structures shape the cities in which people live. Flat roads and boxed high towers fit their idea of efficiency of space and therefore beauty as well.
We went and sat in a park. It was beautifully green with grass and trees and a fountain was spraying water upwards into a rainbow. It looked like the water disappeared into the sky. Colorful birds flew around - not many, just the right amount to give spots of color. Flowers were arraigned in orderly sets most often radiating out in concrete circulars from the center just like the arrangement of their worlds in space.
Jesus was right, it was very tame and perfect, pleasant and beautiful, but it wasn't my idea of paradise. The system might be long lived but I was glad I wasn't one of the people who lived in it; although, it would be far more outstanding then where I live now. I think I want the sense of growth that improvement of place can bring. These people seemed to have achieved perfection and have no further place in which to grow. I am probably wrong about this idea.
The people looked human but their skin had a gray tinge to it. Their features looked normal to me. They seemed very calm as they stepped around on the rolling walkway. I thought they were too calm for such a dangerous movement but they were used to it. To them it was an ordinary, every day way to travel in a city. I can imagine some one from another planet stepping on to our freeways; they would be horrified at our reckless speed but we are used to it.
2/25/01
I was amazed that even at the funeral Jesus spoke to me and said Dorothy was ok. He repeated this the next day also. I had been so disappointed when she died after Jesus told me she would be ok, that I was considering not completing these books. It seemed to me that if I was listening to the wrong person at this time who can say what other time it wasn't the right person or Jesus speaking, I thought it was. Ironically it was Jesus I asked to review the books for wrong information and he told me that they were ok. (If you ask why Jesus would use the phrase ok it is because he is among us, with us, within us and around us. We use the phrase, why shouldn't he. How did he speak to people who only know French or Italian or Latin? If you believe he ever appeared and spoke to people then you must also believe that he knew their language, perhaps from the inside out. I will try to write these books as accurately as possible. I do not tell lies although you are right to worry that I could be deceived, I worry about this myself. Yet some statements are so out of the ordinary and odd that they surly came from some one more enlightened than myself. For example, once Jesus said, "Facts put people to sleep." I might have thought the same thing but would have never stated it as a certainty.
2/28/01
Last Sunday I joked that I was giving up sex for lent. I wasn't kidding, I did. And maybe X decided to give sex up for lent too because Fat Tuesday we came together for a great night of sex. For some reason, perhaps lent, we were both in a sexual frame of mind. He began kissing me on the lips and neck then he worked down to my belly. All this time I was sitting in my chair squiring. I kissed him back and hugged and touched and let him tease me and play until I couldn't stand it any longer and went upstairs to bed so we could continue in privacy. (my dog and cat were in the dining room) He told me to undress and I hurriedly agreed and lay with him beneath the blanket. The rest of course is too hot to tell.
I could only see him in my mind's eye. His face would come and go and sometimes he looked like a shadow or I would see his narrow chest and then arms. He was old and mature and his face looked familiar. His face tried to change form but I refused to see a different person. I kept my mind focused on his dark hair and sharp features.
I think and hope it was X but which part of him was I with? Good or Bad?
At one point I said to myself, "This is all I'll ever get of him." A shadow lover. But later that night as we both lay panting with exertion and fulfillment he told me we would be together laying in bed physically one day soon. We are going to share some time together. It will be nice especially since we don't have high expectations, which often plague many relationships. But he lies a lot, so I don't know. He has said similar things to me before.
I felt so satisfied this night that I don't expect to see him again soon, at least not for sex.
This X is the same one who can change his face and perhaps body to look like anyone else. I have since wondered if he just takes over someone else's body, don't know. I am usually sure but only after he leaves. I know I have seen him but I can't tell when he is standing nearby. I think he puts up a shield to block awareness. At times I have penetrated this shield but it is hard. Jesus says he has been doing this for a long time and is very expert at it. I hope to ask him about it one day. If he is prohibited from physical sex or can't perform I'll accept that and we will just be very close companions. It will be his choice. I think I have changed my mind about this. I don't intend to let him rule me or mess up what I am writing. Need to be careful.
I hope he got as much satisfaction as I did that night. I am not writing about my personal love life for sensationalism or any other wrong reason. I want the reader to understand the ins and outs of the implications of the relationship I have with X. How two minds can unite in speech as well as body. Imagine, if you will, the further implications of this joining. If our minds can come together so intimately when we are not physically together, what will our mind and body could feel like when we actually come together in physical union. Imagine two bodies and two minds not only having sex but also mentally joining each other as they experience sex with each other. I am not sure how to express the delight we could feel. But I can't wait to try. While we couple sexually our minds may be sharing each other’s pleasures and sensations of touch. The physical may be the pleasure I had last night ten times multiplied. This would depend on our ability to feel comfortable in each other's presence. This takes time and effort. We certainly feel comfortable in the presence of each other's shadow. So I am not worried, I look forward and anticipate our union. [6]
3/1/01
Jesus said my dad would be ok and he still has a few years left. After believing Dorothy would be ok and she died I tend to not trust what I am told any longer. is it Jesus or my misunderstanding. It must be me. So I can't trust my judgment? But when Jesus told me my dad would be ok I wanted to believe he would live and that is what Jesus meant by ok. Jesus also said "For a few more years." This was so definite I had to believe him. There is also the possibility that evil deliberately tries to undo the truths Jesus tells me and sometimes he wins. So truth can become untruth. Shows how worthless it is to know the future.[7]
3/3/01
I've been to two funerals in two weeks and my dad had a serious operation. I kept praying to Jesus that he would have a spiritual experience. Don't know if he did or not but he certainly needs one. He is so practical he hardly believes in God. It would be nice to know that he changed his mind. He is in his 70's and only has a few years left.
I thought about this at the funeral. It is amazing the millions of people who believe that Jesus will save them after death. We all believe Jesus will come and get us, we need to. But so far the information he is giving me states it differently. He is implying that we need to wait until he returns then he will save all of us. There are exceptions like always, a few saints who are able to get to heaven. The bible also states this view. But when a human is confronted with death we need to know Jesus as a savior and he is near and loving. When someone close to us dies we need to know that they will go to heaven. We tell ourselves this even if we know the person never did much good in the world. I wonder if this feel good lie hurts us in the end because it prevents us from facing truths about our immaturity and lack of growth toward God. But a funeral is not a time to face truth. It is time to believe in Jesus and to realize we are all riding in the same sinking ship.
3/7/01
I have been neglecting Jesus lately. I feel guilty about it but he assures me that he understands and doesn't mind. The reason has been because I have been working a lot this school year and still writing and painting. I don't seem to have time for Jesus or even to set down and meditate lately. I also forget to pray for people, which I really feel guilty about. Need to do this at least during lent. starting tonight.
Jesus held me in his special way and assured me about this constant activity. I am reminded of the biblical statement "A time to reap, a time to sow.” This has been my time to be busy and I am enjoying it. Jesus is letting me go for a while, running around and doing, working and creating. Last year I didn't work except for two days a week and couldn't find a job to fill in. I was poor but I had a lot of time to give to Jesus. My forced quietude and inactivity was very conductive to meditation. So even though I have been neglecting my spirituality lately, I have learned a valuable lesson. I learned that our busy lives with their constant phone interruptions and places in which to hurry to is detrimental to a meditate life. There is probably nothing wrong with busyness in our lives if we can keep it in balance, except that it takes effort to slow down for the few minutes of stillness we need once in a while. If we don't slow down we can't keep in touch with Jesus as easily. But in fact Jesus has assured me that I will once again be a mystic for him. I just had the sudden fear that I would loose my work and have no choice. "No." he smiled in the negative, don't worry way of his. He always says don't worry and means it literally no matter what happens in life. "Don't worry." This is probably because if we could rise above our lives and see the events unfolding as they really are, we would finally understand that we had no control over these events anyway.
There are times when I see life as acting a role I am playing. When I visit with Jesus I sometimes realize the shortness of life and the constant turmoil revolving on earth. But these evolutions of events are necessary to bring earth to completion, to finalize its growth into a world belonging to God's Kingdom.
I shudder
to imagine what a world would be like that did not join God's Kingdom. Remember the movie
"The Killing Fields" about
In some
ways our world is more enlightened than it has ever seen before. Most of the
world's countries believe in the worth
of human life and respect a person's right or at least agrees that each and
every person should have rights, even children. That doesn't mean that we
practice these lofty goals but we at least have come to recognize them as true.
The United Nation has certain policies that every country is supposed to
follow. The countries that refuse to adhere to these humanitarian principals
are recognized as backward regimes. Places like the Taliban, parts of
3/7/01
I wonder if it would be safe to say that once you have touched another person's mind with your own, you are both in almost constant contact. It becomes so much easier to touch that person again. It is as if the person has joined you inside your head and any time you want to say hello the other mind is there as if waiting. That doesn't mean that you both will stay in contact or conversation, the other person may not want to hold the connection open at this time so you must gently retreat. This actually happens with Y. He is often into his own thing or meditating and doesn't want to be bothered. On the other hand, I am usually available at any time he wishes to contact me because I am not as spiritual minded or busy.
This mind-to-mind bonding needs to be thoroughly studied and investigated. I don't know if the links can be broken by one of the partners or how long the link would hold if there wasn't intermittent contact or even if just certain people can hold an open link. The reason I believe it is possible at all, besides experiencing it, is because we are all one on the same level of existence or layer even though we don't often recognize this fact while in the physical body.
It seems more and more true to me that we are all visiting on the globe we call earth and taking part in an experiment, a double blind experiment run by God. ( Am I joking? And listen to this scientific way of thinking). We are all riding on a road full of flesh, layers rise and fall as each life is born or dies, its job done for the moment and maybe ready to punch in again?
As far as minds binding together, this same system may work for Jesus too. I suppose that Jesus is somewhere in the universe or even on earth now in physical form but as soon as you make real mental contact with him, you are united in that bond and it remains unsevered. This also means that you are both in instant contact with each other.
I feel good about what I have just written. It is as if I have shed my perplexity. It has rolled off me in layers, first one doubt then another slid past while I watched it go unconcerned. Jesus smiles at this sentence and I am pleased to have him so near. I revel in his presence now, at this minute, for this short time, doubts are lifted. Ha just wait, with my short memory, I'll be right back in the middle of complex mechanisms to prove the working model of the universe soon. And it is all so very simple, so simple as to be unbelievable. It is us, mind, that makes up the universe and we are thoughts rolling around or bounded by God.
3/8/01
Who is X? Which X am I talking about when I refer to X? I don't know but there is either two X's or two different characters types in one person. I don't mean evil or detrimental to people, in this instance, I mean childishly naive about spirituality and the depths of love a person can have for God. It may be like I quoted before from the other book, if there is an evil one, or evil X, he is perverted in some way and doesn't know how to make matters right. Evil may have as much at stake in preserving the earth as we do but divides people and himself against our own best interests. Could he be, in reality, two people at war inside himself. Aren't we all?
But the evil one has more power than most of us. Can anyone so utterly selfish be also good? We can only be on the right side to the extent we can loose our own selfishness. This is what Jesus meant when he told us to feed the hungry and love your enemy. He is trying to help us grow up towards our ideal. A measure of a person's, or country's, or nation's or world’s maturity could be taken by how unselfish they are. In this respect the U S is not too bad? In this way the Catholic, Christian churches are correct, we must do good works. What a horrible phrase this has become. But mystics are also needed to keep us in touch with heaven and re-enlighten us during each new culture or age. Jesus Christ was the ultimate mystic, as was the Buddha, Mohammad and other great prophets.
3/9/01
Last night Jesus took me to an unusual place. We only stayed for a moment but we will go back soon. At first I didn't know if it was on a world or something else in space because it was all pink. Even thought it had no edges it resembled two pink couch cushions put together and we were floating between the fluffs. A smoky atmosphere swirled around but the smoke was pink too. Pink, everything was a rosy, swirling swimming breathing in and out pink. It was impossible to get any barring in this place because everything looked the same, a rosy blush of air that felt and looked like a slowly moving mist turning in a gentle breeze. The only difference I could see, and this was so astounding I didn't believe my eyes at first, were the body forms appearing and disappearing from time to time as they floated by. In one spot I'd see a torso, in another a pair of legs and feet, and then a head, all serenely poised as if gently laid down and tucked in for asleep. Then the sleeping body would float back into the swirling mist and disappear. These were sleepers on this world. Jesus said they were hibernating in a huge place set aside for that purpose. I will learn more when we go back.
3/11/01
When Jesus transformed in Luke 9:29 we aren’t sure what his appearance means except that Jesus’ looks changed.
Luke 9:29
While he was praying his face changed in appearance and his clothing became dazzling white.[8]
Remember after his death when he met the apostles on the road, at first they couldn't tell if it was Jesus until he began sharing communion with them. They didn't recognize his face. They couldn't tell who it was by looks alone and needed his actions to confirm who he was. This is strikingly odd. This same clue is in other parts of the New Testament. Mary at the tomb couldn't recognize Jesus either because Jesus was posing as a gardener. This is a strange way of writing; and even though the gospels were written long after Jesus death, we must still ask ourselves why, if they were so strange, these parts were left in? Perhaps they were left in tact because they were true and needed to be there as information for the future. Just because we don’t plan far into the future doesn’t mean that God doesn’t.
Could it be that Jesus has been with us all along but unaware of himself? I don't believe this, do I? Or, he may have been lifted up and came back, numerous times? He could have experienced both staying and going. He may have stayed on earth to help us or he may keep coming back during every age?
The priest said in church that Jesus died for our sins. What does this mean? It is a phrase that is over worked and just slides off us like oil. But what sins are we talking about? The cardinal sins? Greed? Selfishness? Hate? Murder? It is these same sins that are destroying the earth. Jesus came to show us the way to the Kingdom, to teach us how to life. How can this Kingdom come to earth if earth is no longer viable. Many believe we must grow God’s Kingdom on earth. If so, we better begin now.
The phrase "Died for our sins" can be interpreted in various ways: A few people have speculated that Jesus was really the first Adam who came back and died to take away his and our first sin. We could think of the phrase as Jesus died for all our past sins. Or he died so we would not sin again, or he died because our sins overwhelmed and killed him, or he died to prevent more sinning. The phrase has become a cliché, it rolls right off us because we think, "Oh yah, he died for the things I do wrong." But exactly how did our sins kill Jesus? Why would Jesus die for our sins? He must have meant to prevent these same sins from reoccurring? Surly, he had a reason to die?
It is those same sins, sins of two thousand years ago that are destroying our souls now. These same sins are also destroying our world. They prevent spiritual growth and the ultimate human potential. Jesus wanted us to grow into God's Kingdom, whether on earth or beyond earth, we can't deny this. How can we do this unless we change from sinners into un-sinners? We need to grow ourselves better, grow a better society, and grow towards paradise. Jesus’ words have been applicable during every age, our age is no exception. Now we live on the edge of the space age and his words apply vividly to this age as well.
A well-run world would not be facing the same disasters that we are now facing: Warming of earth caused by greed and self-centeredness and ignorance. War and possible nuclear destruction, caused by hate and narrow-mindedness. Ecological disasters, caused by selfishness and greed. Over population, caused by ignorance and not spreading wealth around. It has been proved that people who are educated have a higher standard of living and less need for a large family. Our over use of recourses, again caused by greed and selfishness.
Would it be wrong to say that Jesus died to save us from destroying ourselves as well as our earth? Did he die to save us? from ourselves? Some could possibly be saved without the earth, the Bible even states this by saying people will be lifted off, but wouldn't it be better to save all of us and the earth too? Jesus may have planned on the fact that we might destroy the earth one day, maybe all worlds come to this crises. B dare we give up on earth? Jesus went to make a place for us, was this because we would need it? Will our earth be gone? Remember what Jesus told me "There is only a slight chance of saving the earth." He means for us to get busy now.
While sitting in church Sunday, Jesus told me that I would write about this gospel and sermon. At the time I didn't think so but I just did.
3/24/01
I finally understand something about social connections and interests that X seems to know instinctively. The truth doesn't count, only perceptions count. Rumors floating around make the social perceptions more real. Even looks take a back seat to perceptions of a person’s standing or ability. I have never been a very social person, so in a way the social niceties throw me off my stride. Certain ideas seem so sensible to me. Remember once Jesus said I was "His practical one," but that isn't how the world turns, we are not governed by sense or intelligence but by emotions, sex, and fears. Perhaps when we become more mature this will become less true.
Note - I worry that I might write words that the evil one tells me but Jesus assures me that we will not include any of these words in the book.
3/24/01
What a night. I had a blowout on the freeway at 12:00 am going about 70 mph. I felt the tire give and pop and flop so I was able to pull over to the side. Then I kept driving to a corner gas station. The man couldn't or wouldn’t call a cab for me. He was closing up and perhaps he was foreign and didn't know how? I had called my son but he was so drunk that he couldn’t' get out of bed. This was the only moment when I felt in danger, thinking I would be stranded alone on the highway. But I was in luck. An all night store was open across the street. The girl was nice enough to call a cab for me.
This experience wouldn't be noteworthy except that Jesus, or someone, knew before hand that I would have a blowout. So I ask why didn't Jesus prevent it from happening? Why just warn me ahead of time? Is it because certain events must run their course? Perhaps Jesus or heaven can move events sideways but not change or prevent them completely? This is how I was warned:
Earlier in the week I got money back from the doctor because he just gave me a prescription and no office visit. This was lucky because I usually only carry about five dollars on me at all times. That night I was going to throw the two twenties on the table before I left home for the party but a voice said, "You'd better not." I became worried. "What do you mean? Is someone going to come into the house even with the alarm on? No answer. This voice mocks but is often right, at least, right enough to tease and taunt. Earlier this same voice mocked me about spending money. It said, "You better hold on to it."
I asked why. The voice said, "You'll see." This voice is not my own, it is not the little warning voice we all have. This voice was vividly real. Telling me not to spend money was like saying my future was going to crash, my job. as if he were going to make sure of it. These worries were rolling around in my mind and finally Jesus said to me, "Don't worry, you can spend money."
This little event is trite but it shows what can happen when you are in touch with other beings and your mind is open to their words. This mocking voice also played up to my fears of being jobless and in poverty again. Remember it knows us inside and out the only difference from Jesus is that it can't understand our morals and stamina and love for others. It expects us to always choose to love ourselves more.
Back to the warning. It was Jesus who told me during the party to not drink too much. I was drinking and almost decided to have another glass of wine but Jesus warned me that I should not drink too much. So I switched to coffee. I did have another glass of punch but by then enough time had elapsed from the other drinks that it didn't hit me too badly. Jesus knew that I would have the blowout and wanted me to be able to handle it. But why not prevent it? Oh, well, I had a great time at the party with the other church members.
3/27/01
It was so tired today I went to sleep after work and slept till late. I won't have a problem sleeping tonight either. I have been so busy I can't get anything important done. And my mind has become corrupted with normalcy or in other words, everyday reality. I feel like I have dropped into a deep well and it is becoming darker and darker as I fall further away from the sun. I fear I am loosing my mystical point of view.
J just assured me that I am not. That it is only temporary, although I am afraid that the word temporary has different meanings for both of us. I have a lot of deadlines by the end of April so I will certainly be busy till then. I hope to finish this book by the end of summer and the mystery book too. For sure the mystery will be completed but this book may not be because I need to wait for Jesus to give me more input. Jesus has said at this point, there is no hurry. He also said that as our world continues to face dangers and threats, my book will become more and more important, more necessary, and believable.
Jesus is here with me now and I feel his love pour into me as he smiles. I feel so pleased by this because lately my busyness has caused me to neglect prayer and his close presence. Last
Night, as I was lying in bed, Jesus told me to pray. He meant it
seriously. there must be something very wrong that he is worried about. Maybe
3/29/01
Suspicions were running around in my head, too many things fit into a slot, some people were acting against me, some people didn't like me. It was horrible. I sat and meditated this morning before work and all the suspicion dropped away like rain after a storm. It seemed to me that Jesus actually glowed standing next to God and it was if the sun and sky had entered my house and given it a fresh breeze filled with flowers.
The relief was palpable. I felt clean and fresh and anxious to begin a new day. I carry God's glow and Jesus smile as I write this. It surrounds me like an invisible shield covering me. I suddenly realized this when I thought of evil's methods and how it tries to penetrate the shield. Jesus protects me from harm. This is what I said to Jesus this morning. "Why do I keep getting suspicious. I don't have any reason to think these kinds of thoughts. I know you are standing near by shielding me. I don't need to worry about anyone hurting me so I should not let my mind build up suspicions. I will not fall into evil's plot again. I will depend on your guardianship. to keep me safe. This is what you mean by "Don't worry, don't worry"
Notice that I need to repeat these same lessons over and over. I learn and believe what you say and then forget again and need to be reminded all over again. Jesus smiled at me. My love for him rose to unbound heights, my mind felt pure and uncluttered. Evil was gone.
A note on how evil operates: He whispers doubts into your mind, and most people believe these thoughts to be their own, they are not. After the doubt is instilled, evil pushes on it and nourishes it, trying to make it grow huge and over take your common sense. If you have this same problem, and I think most people with sensitive minds do, remember that evil always tries to divide people , to separate you out of a group or family or away from friends. Perhaps now in our modern times we all read too many murder mysteries or television plots which can sink into our minds to become real possibilities. A nudge from evil can inflame a simple idea into an act of revenge or hatefulness. I have decided to stop concerning myself with the possibilities. I will let Jesus take care of plots and sub plots while I travel down this stony road to heaven. Stop worrying about under currents.
Jesus told me this morning, "It will be over soon."[9] He did not explain what this meant. He said these same words again this afternoon. "It will be over soon." He did not elaborate this time either. What does he mean? He could mean that I would be or my problem will be over. Don't know but I think he was referring to me personally and not the big wide world?
3/31/01
This
morning I was listening to the Buddhist Chants and relaxing with
Jesus said he wanted to show me something. I was
reminded of the beautiful lady from nexus who spoke to me yesterday as I
listened to the chants. She said, "You will bridge two
worlds." Jesus was near and his face let up with a smile as I felt
perplexed at her words. To understand my perplexity you need to know my
circumstances, I live and work at the bottom of the hierarchy of status in the
Just before Jesus took me to the place he wanted to show me, I went up into the blue sky and promised to bring a part of it back home with me. I want to fill the earth with feelings of joy and contentedness, but I need to feel them first.
Then Jesus smiled and suddenly in front of me in the star lit sky stood, what appeared to be a huge translucent ruby. It was cut in an oblong with the corners trimmed, an emerald cut. We walked into it. As we passed through the outer wall or skin it felt like stepping through red Jell-O or gelatin. It gave somewhat to the pressure of our hands like a rubber skin or bubble.
Inside it was much larger than as seen from the outside. We floated in an atmosphere of pearly red while I could see the night sky beyond with the stars blazing and shinning. Jesus said, "It is a warning beacon. It is a part of the tunnels that join worlds. As soon as someone steps into this section of relay or comes too close to earth, the color and other effects warn them that earth is extremely dangerous for travelers, even psychic ones. A few travelers choose to visit regardless. But most visitors to earth are there for a purpose. "Write about it," Jesus said. Then I realized its importance and the message it would give us. the need to change so that we too would be able to travel to the other worlds or receive visitors.
4/4/01
The more I think about it the more I believe the lady from Nexus serves as a catalyst for ideas that heaven wants me to use and write about. Both times she spoke abruptly and in a Koan type of world puzzle. I was left to figure out what her words meant. In the first instance she let me know vividly that she wasn't from earth. The second instance of enlightenment pertained to some truth that I haven't pulled out of the hat yet. It is knowledge that still eludes my grasp.
Jesus keeps repeating "You will understand soon." But soon never seems to get here. So what did she mean about bridges or joining two worlds? I thought I was writing about many worlds. I speculate are the people we call angels from a world close by? A companion world? A few theories have a dark (red dwarf or brown dwarf) sun out near the Oort cloud. Muller's Nemeses? There is still Sitchin's theory about planet X or Nibiru. Now some astronomer is talking about floating worlds. But we suppose a visible world must be near a sun for energy. So I don't know. To speak of two worlds implies a connection of some sort. Connected but vibrating at a different frequency?
When I meditate and listen to the Chants, I sometimes step into the sounds. In fact, the other day, Jesus told me to do so. He said, "Step into it." meaning the sound. I felt like I was vibrating with the sound, that the sound was a world in itself and I had joined into it.
4/5/01
A critic would say of me that my reduction of life as good verses evil is trite and too simplistic. I might agree except that I have taken the notion that we are all existing in the mind of God, therefore our God lies at the base of every action and reaction and thought. All else is a cover up a mask put on by matter, a mirage we call reality. Reality we describe as anything that most people can perceive or think. Those of us who step beyond realities boundaries are called eccentrics or worse. But ultimately, we all step out of its grasp at death or do we? We may keep hold of the grip of reality so strongly and tight that some of us never leave this world scene but keep existing in a shadow of earth? As ghosts who never choose to leave. Jesus nods agreement at these thoughts. Frightening.
4/10/01
The
Some
leaders use religion to whip their people up, strip them of their egos and
strengths and then send them to war against the infidels,
I felt real
stupid tonight. I haven't been praying much and I needed to ask Jesus all over again how to pray. I
said a Lords Prayer. He reached for both my hands and held them and this was
such a pleasant surprise at that time and good feeling that I began to feel
love inside. Love that reached outwards. I imagined hugging the earth. I
imagined sending love to the leaders who have been in the news lately. I
imagined that they needed love to also that they are only afraid just like we
all are afraid. This was when I perceived that the leaders in
We would be
right to be afraid of
4/16/01
I went to get my hair colored today. Jesus wanted me to. He wanted me to meet the lady beautician, to come in contact with her views, which were so difference from mine. She seemed upset and asked if I was a Christian. I said of course. She asked me what I thought about aliens, with my background the first thought jumped into my mind was aliens from another planet, but she was referring to Mexicans. I stayed quiet as she added, "What do you think of a Mexican alien going out with your daughter?"
I agreed that it might be a problem but I was very cool to the idea of rejecting someone just because they were Mexican even in this country illegally. Then she said he was into the occult and her daughter had a baby with him. She did not explain what kind of occult but I picked up the idea of devil worship, drugs, bad music, because she also talked about evil. She talked about fortunetellers and horoscopes and how evil they are. I interjected that true evil can turn young peoples minds but also that many people who get their fortune told aren’t evil but just ignorant of the harm it can do. She then quoted scripture that said fortune telling was evil, the devils work. I agreed that we all need to be diligent because evil was everywhere but that some evils were not as harmful as others.
She told me her daughter had been turned by this man. I told her that in time she would probably be ok as long as she didn't do something really stupid. Then she said she was having that young man sent back, deported, and he said he was going to kill her. All this time she was very angry and hurt and told me she was a born again Christian and that young man was evil and she would fight him to save her daughter.
This lady made sense in a way but to me she seemed fanatical and I usually avoid people like that. When she left to do someone else's hair, a voice, a very distinct voice, spoke to me, "She is one of mine.” I thought there was a sense of pride and bragging in the voice. This made me unsure if it was Jesus who spoke or not. I was afraid it was not because of the voice’s tone. I became afraid because I have been mistreated by beauticians before who messed up my hair and I still don't know if it was Jesus who spoke or not or if I could trust that lady.
Her actions seemed too drastic to me but I don't know what she meant by occult. What if this young boy was just telling fortunes to earn a living for him and the baby? What if he was ok but she didn't want him to be with her daughter? What if? what if? What if it was the evil one who she fought for? That she was a soldier in the coming war for his side, his kind of people? What if Jesus was telling me that he needed that kind of fighter to win the war? Does Jesus want me to fight too? How could I? I am so broad minded that I always see the other side of the story. I believe in life but life as long as we don't hurt some one else. Could this lady be pushed to kill or hurt in the name of God?
I said to the lady, “As long as a person don't hurt someone else, like a predator, they may be ok. Some people prey on others.”
"Yes,” she said, “My daughter is being preyed on by evil. I am fighting it.”
But to me it seems that evil is so all-pervasive that it is impossible to fight it all or get rid of it. We must pick the worst evil to fight against.
Jesus told me that soon in the coming war he will need fighters like that, strong people willing to fight. He also told me to write tonight about her views and situations. He will give me more comments later.
Jesus wants me to write about this and understand, but what is it he wants me to understand? Perhaps my washy-washy attitude isn't behavior becoming a soldier in a war? At the moment I seem to be alone as I struggle to pick out the message that Jesus wants me to get. What is the message? I'll meditate later and ask because I am not sure if that lady was right or wrong.
Now I know. Jesus tells me that that is the point! In a war, each side believes themselves to be on the right side, the winning side. So how will we know if we are on the right side or not? If we were to battle everything that had a tinge of evil in it, their wouldn't be much left to our society. "Yes,” Jesus said, “It will get that difficult to know where the truth lies."
4/17/01
The music lifted me up. This morning while listening to the Buddhist chants I felt myself lifted up but this time I didn't go any place so much as the layers fell away from me. I then understood why prophets of old said there were levels to the hierocracy of God, seven levels I think. I didn't count or see the differences but I felt each layer fall away as I rose up through them. It was so strange that I wondered if what I was experiencing was true. Jesus stood in front of me and told me to lift up my arms, I did, and he put his hands around mine. There were blood scars in his hands. I felt like crying. He wanted to assure me that this gentleness and beauty was true.
I need his reassurance of late that this is what he wants us to be. Lately I have been wrapped up into myself a lot and I think part of the cause is the feeling of empathy that I am afraid will consume me if I reach out. The resulting fear has been a burial of my feelings to the point of hardness and self-centeredness. We all do tend to feel and react this way. I see that I need to move more away from myself and let my love out more as well as open up and allow love in.
Since yesterday I have been feeling so mixed up after meeting the born again Christian with strict views I actually woke up thinking of the problem. This is the problem that Jesus set out for us. In the coming war it will be hard to know who is on your side. I don't want division but we will get it.
I have been worried that gay people would war against straight people, wouldn't that be a mess, but now I am learning that it won't be so cut and dried. There are gay people on both sides of the war of good and evil. And the biggest problem for most of us is that there will be Christians on both sides. That is very frightening. How will we know the difference? Why should we Christians fight each other when both are fighting against evil? or so each group will perceive themselves to be. In the coming war or skirmish or troubles, each a better word than Armageddon, as the Bible says, it will be children against parents, neighbors against neighbors and churches against churches. Many of us won't know where to stand. Where should we stand?
I asked Jesus. “What will determine if we are on the right side? Your side, the side of heaven, where is it? I await your answer.”
This battle will have many fronts. It is about saving earth as well as our souls. Help us Jesus towards solid ground. Help us love you.
Jesus has just answered me. He said that love is the determining factor. Love is the central theme.
"I am love."
My emotions surge at these words from Jesus. I love him so much, but I am still not sure I understand. As an example, and this is why Jesus wanted me to meet her. The beautician loves her daughter, is trying to save her from what she perceives as an evil person so she is having him deported. What is wrong here, if anything? Could or did this lady go against another person in the name of God? Could she kill for God? Would God ever ask for us to kill in his name? It is easy to be against people while using the name of God. We say, God only loves me, God is against sinners, God has a rod to wrap against their knuckles. Could this be Jesus' God? God of the Old Testament certainly knew how to punish. But in modern times, after Christ, we believe that we should leave just punishment to God because only God knows. I believe this.
If Jesus is love for all creation, empathy for the poor and sick, love for sinners, then God must be this too. Isn't Jesus a reflection of God? God or earth? Then some how we must make this knowledge our demarcation line. If the skirmish intensifies into war, Jesus and all of heaven are working to prevent such a war, we will need to ask ourselves all the time one simple question, "Where is the love." and like my problem with the lady beautician, the answer will not be obvious or simple. Only our heart will know which direction in which to turn. It is our hearts and souls that will choose sides I am afraid.
4/18/01
Something I haven’t written about before is that I seem to look out from another person's eyes at times. I have assumed this person is X but I still don't know if this person is on God's side or not. I remember following him in and out of hospital rooms the night Dorothy died. This frightens me. I also saw through his eyes as he watched another man get dressed? Don't know because I only saw a small part of person. There have been many other instances of looking out of X's eyes. Too many to remember now.
Plus some people can send themselves into my thoughts. Suddenly I may see X's smile inside my head. I am not thinking of him or anyone familiar at the time. The vision is different than a thought, it is a contact of some kind, between two minds, if only for an instant. This person knew that I knew and that was what his smile was about. Good or bad, I don't know.
4/18/01
Jesus told me the other night "In a hundred years, they, meaning churches, will wonder how they could have missed the obvious." this is regarding to Jesus and heaven as from space.
Comment-Today a voice told me " I did it." Voice was referring to the broken phones at work. Still don't know if it was for or against me or even the truth.
4/20/01
I felt a little frantic this morning while I was meditating for just a few minutes before I left the house. I was thinking how hard it is for me to tell a truthful statement from a false one. I remembered the words, "I did it." A statement from I don't know who. Not Jesus surely. So I was feeling frantic.
"How can I tell the diff?” I asked. “What is the difference?” I kept asking this of Jesus and then I put my arms around him and hugged.
"This is the difference." Jesus said as he held me and I him. "This is the difference."
My emotions rose to new heights as he said that. I felt so beautiful and loved. And although I still worry that I am not loving people enough, not good enough, not working hard enough for Jesus, I still need to experience his love whether I deserve it or not. I have learned to be afraid to show love for people or even caring sometimes. I have been holding back for so long that it has become a habit not to show people that I care. I am not sure how to fix this.
I have felt Jesus looking out my eyes at times in the past and for much longer periods than I have experienced looking out from someone else's eyes. My view (invited?) lasts only an instant. I have felt Jesus linger and watch events play out, usually when someone was seriously mistreating me for no reason. Now, long after the feeling is past I wonder "Was it really Jesus watching those people through my eyes?” I hope so.
"Yes," it was Jesus watching our behavior. He just said so. Is he inside each and every one of us? Or just certain people?
4/22/01
Ever since the gospel today in church a scene keeps running through my mind and I can't let it go. I' vet heard this same gospel a hundred times but this time a sudden image popped into my head. It was so real. The gospel was about doubting Thomas. I suddenly saw Thomas with Jesus hands on the sides of his face and he was crying into them, sobbing. Jesus hands had blood on them. Thomas is kneeling while Jesus was standing . It was so vivid and real for a second I thought I was there watching.
I thought about it possibly being a movie scene I had watched once but I felt so close to Jesus side and felt so intimate about the scene that I believe it was real. I picked up the emotions along with the image, a shock of recognition from Thomas and a feeling of shame. So I speculate that perhaps I was standing there next to Jesus and Thomas? Then who was I? I think I was Mary a lover of Jesus and this is why I still love him. Women weren’t considered apostles. I think I considered myself one and still do, a follower of Jesus.
4/23/01
The Buddhist chants are pointing to where? other places on earth? Off earth? Jesus wants me to write this. He told me that I have been given a gift that enables me to understand so that I can write about it. Most people need to go through rigorous training to learn before they can sense the true nature of the chants. Yet I have been told that they are for amateurs. What would a more learned person feel? Depending on the type of chant, I perceive and felt different things during a twenty-minute session. It is pleasurable to just sit and listen to the pure sounds. As I sat very comfortable on the couch, Jesus said "Follow the music."
This chant seemed like smoke rolling up into the atmosphere. I can still see this effect. It kept gathering like over a table in a room of card players. The smoke kept twisting and churning upwards in a slow undulating movement towards a peak. It grew into a chimney made of rising smoke. Then the chant stopped for a time, there are planned pauses between chants. I was left suspended and hanging in the air above and next to the column of smoke that was still swirling and rising, waiting for the next chant to begin.
The next chant seemed to bring me down again, at first. It was liquid drops slipping into a small pool. The drops kept expanding and swelling as they plopped into the water ringing into waves moving away from each pounding plop. I expanded each time a drip met the surface. I rolled and contracted in ever widening circles and then again hung suspended in air, fat and plump with pregnant anticipation of falling to the surface once more, ready to explode in the silence of no-sound.
One chant exploded into a long line from top to bottom. I became a pulsation, a fractal rose caught on a line of disappearing infinity. As the chant changed the line began to open and close with the pulses. At this point Jesus joined me to teach me the path through the doorway. It was too all encompassing and open for my senses. Hanging in infinity, I collapsed back into myself and lost it. It was too much for me to take in. This portal conflicted with the ruby one? Jesus had showed me another time. I wondered why there were two portals, two ways off the earth? Did one lead to the other?
Suddenly writing this with Jesus very near I realize that all this has a purpose. It isn't just an exercise in movement. the purpose is to learn how to go beyond physical matter and leave the earth. The perplexing or frightening question is "why?"
4/26/01
Question-What does X want of me? It's as though he is standing up and shouting "Look at me." Or is he just mocking me?
4/28/01
I had a sudden intuition about the truth of X. He is the evil one or at least one X is. I remember when my thyroid was very hyper and I went to the doctors. As soon as a doctor would want to examine me I went berserk with nerves and shaking. I couldn’t' understand why and put it off as part of my thyroid condition. It wasn't only that, it was being examined by doctors in space. X's slave workers. I can't remember this specifically at this time but I think it may be true that we are all being manipulated by him. He comes and picks us up like cattle and causes many of our illnesses. We don't understand this, we think they are natural, no, many are not natural. Probably half the population of earth has been effected by being abused or caused to mate or other behavior that we forget by morning. This all happens while we are sleeping. The only evidence I have is the dream memories of breaking a container in space once and a few other vague memories. This evil plays with us like we are his toys that he can break or crush at his whim. Our only protection is knowledge and Jesus. Heaven tries to put a shell around us.
He can go where he wants and be who he wants to be, he owns the earth or thinks he does. He plays with me but I know him. He is trying to loose my film, my clock is blinking so I might not wake up for church, etc. He tries to frustrate me in numerous ways. I don't have many answers at to how he does these things or even why. Why does he try and hinder my every effort? I can guess, because I refuse to follow him. He is so skilled at what he does it is almost impossible to know when he is near or who he is acting against. The only thing we can do is keep praying and asking Jesus to help us walk through life and avoid evil's whiles as much as possible. It does no good to worry because we are helpless as he plays with us. But why does he leave some people alone?
Jesus says we are not completely helpless. When we keep on the side of heaven, by doing so, we throw a kink in evil's path. I think I need to take out the part where Jesus changes into many people of all makes and models. Maybe it wasn't Jesus at all but the evil one? Or are there two, an evil X and a good X? Jesus asked that I write of this; therefore, it must be one of the truths that he wants the world to know, I’ll need to leave it in.
Here is another truth: The beloved disciple of Jesus wasn't John, it was Mary. She has been almost written out of the Bible because she was a woman. Women were also looked down on during the many years that the Bible was being copied and transcribed. The transcribers slipped in new names and pronouns to reflect John as Jesus ' beloved. Even Leonardo de Vinci got it wrong when he painted The Last Supper.
Even during Jesus time the other apostles tried to exclude women. But we need to keep in mind Jesus rational, his course that taught togetherness and for every one to love each other. His message didn't exclude any type of person, even though the social melee at that time, like the present one, tried to exclude different types of individuals or groups. Women were treated a whores or as necessary reproductive or sexual bodies. They had little value until our own time. Jesus also included in his group tax collectors, sinners, perhaps even men who liked men, and probably a few sick, unclean people. Many people followed him and he tried to hold all of them into his arms. Just as he now encloses me in his arms when I become afraid.
I have always heard rumors and tales that Jesus had a twin. Now I am beginning to believe that the evil one posed as Jesus when he could to throw people off. I can say this-during spiritual meditation I have never felt like hugging the evil one. He stands aloft and his voice and manner is harsher than Jesus’. It is as though he is always cocky and angry about something.
I have witnessed Jesus angry but it had more depth and empathy in it. The other day I read a book of fiction but it involved young boy children used as prostates. I felt so bad, I looked up at Jesus who stood near by at that moment of need and I asked, "Is this true, do people really do this to children?"
Jesus didn't answer he just nodded and tears were in his eyes. It was almost unbearable to me as well. The abuse portrayed in the book was so psyche damaging to young people, I had to put it out of my mind for a while, and stop reading. Like most of us I can't dwell on a lot of things that go on in our world. Some of it is so seriously horrifying that we can't hold it in our awareness for too long. I choked up and tears dripped from my own eyes too. But only for a moment. Imagine how Jesus must feel all the time being a witness to the atrocities in the different societies on our earth, day after day. It is a wonder we are still around and Jesus has not slapped us down yet. Truly, Mary must beg him every day to stay his hand.
I feel hurt as I write this. I am a lucky one, I hardly ever cry except dry, silent tears of empathy. Oh Jesus help us grow up out of our ignorance.
4/30/01
We went someplace tonight that I find hard to understand completely. And I realize that it is important that I understand because both Jesus and Mary took me to see this place. This gave it added weight but I still failed to pick up the whole message. I can only share the little I could feel and know with you.
I had tried to meditate and go with Jesus early this morning but I couldn’t' seem to concentrate so I gave it up. But I kept seeing a blue strip floating in deep space. It was like a ribbon winding around and seemed to be full of people and worlds or cities. My mind kept wanting to turn it into different islands or areas of land like I had read once in a science fiction story. Oddly enough, this is the first time this has happened, that I know of, to almost see something I had read about, an actual SF setting getting mixed up in my travels with Jesus. But the idea threw me off my stride and I gave up.
Tonight we went back. At first as often is the case, I needed to feel my motion through the universe because it gives me a feeling of going somewhere, so I imagined moving past stars and through the blackness of space. There have been times when Jesus and I would just suddenly appear someplace but often when I am out of practice because I have been too busy, I need a mental boost to get me going again.
After a few seconds of travel through space, we came to a sky blue area. I thought it may have been the same ribbon of a world or worlds that we tried to visit earlier but we entered it so fast I didn't see the outward shape clearly. we entered a bright blue sky that was only sky and nothing else. There was no clouds or anything else to differentiate anything except more blue. But the blue kept getting bluer and bluer. We traveled from a slight sky blue into a final royal deep blue that was almost black.
Here is where we found different forms. The forms all looked cream colored against the deep royal blue. One looked like a cream or white as I waived my arm through the blue fog. We were not in water or in wet fog that I could feel. All this time Jesus and Mary were silent. I kept thinking wondering how we came here. I watched the forms as they seemed to grow before our eyes. M held a rose up to show me. It was a real rose but it was white against blue. Then I realized that every bush and flower and leaf was real but just lacking in color. It all seemed to be growing out of the deepest blue possible before the foliage became black ground.
Then I suddenly saw a panorama of the graded levels of blue as if I were looking from above. What I saw next seems impossible, foliage growing as if from the underside like on a flat ribbon or Mobius strip on a blazing lighted surface. on top of the dark side.
We walked on this surface. The forms growing were almost black but ranged in difference shades of blue. The same rose, perhaps literally, was growing from its stem as black but it was surrounded by white light. The light was so bright it hurt the eyes. I kept getting the idea of mirror images, shadow-light. But I kept saying "I don't understand what you want me to see" You want me to see mirror images? and shadows?
Jesus said, "Yes" while Mary explained that this is a view of what life and objects really look like--opposites. This is the only place in the universe where this truth is apparent to the eye. Everything in the universe is made up of opposites, all life has a mirror image. Most often it is not revealed and stays in a shadow world. It can become manifest and does during insightful times.
This is what causes the rumors and ideas of twins when great men rise to the surface of societies, there is always a counter force, a shadow-light.
"Oh this is so hard to understand and see, I don't think I can get it right"
"Yes it is complex and not easy to follow"
"Did I pick up on some of what I was supposed to see?"
“You did ok.” Jesus and Mary both smiled at me.
I got the feeling that the seed was planted and this was the purpose of our travel tonight. Perhaps I will learn more at another time.
5/6/01
The Sunday gospel for this week was comforting and revealing. I felt Jesus presence strongly as Father Thomas read the words, "My sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me...No one can take them out of my hand.…The father and I are one.” Jesus was right there beside me reassuring me as I heard those words, loving me, promising me that he will never let me fail. A quick view of the pain I had been through ran through my mind.
I said, "If God did it to strengthen me or straighten me out so I would belong to him, then I accept it. It was all worth it. If it was Jesus calling me, I accept the pain and problems and hurts. Again I remembered all the times Jesus stood near by when other's turned away, when he seemed to carry me through tongues of fire.
A great deal of what I have written in this notebook is about myself instead of what it should be about. I still don't know what it will be about or how to arrange it or where we will travel. Jesus tells me not to worry, that he knows and I will know how to arrange the book when I need to. Already I think of things I should take out of section two, unless Jesus specifically tells me to leave the items in.
Again on a personal level, I am ashamed to admit that I have been neglecting prayers again. I have not been sending my love outwards, I did this morning. I can't seem to find any love within myself sometimes. This would be frightening if true. But I still care about people in general and hurt for them. I think I burn out sometimes and then come back to myself or Jesus pulls me back to himself and I revive like during church service Sunday.
Jesus keeps telling me "They are afraid." He is referring to the people who deliberately put barriers in my path but he never gives me any specifics as to exactly who they are or what they are afraid of. This leaves the idea open too much speculation and probably mis-thoughts on my part. Could they be afraid of me, why? On the surface it doesn't look as if I could cause harm to anyone. I have wondered if they are afraid of my writing but I just write what Jesus tells me. I never get specific about what I think is going on in the background with certain people, I never use names. Most of my complaints are about groups or types of behavior that affect all of our well-being. What are they afraid of? Are they afraid that Jesus is watching? He is. He seemed to me to be surveying their antics during church today, I don't mean that the people who were in church but a certain group.
Jesus suddenly said, "I have not arrived yet," in a very firm, not to be ignored, voice.
I got the idea that he was almost smirking at this certain groups blundering around trying to hide themselves or sweep away their actions. And yet I don't know who he was referring too. It was as if he was standing above a crowded town square while people jostled and shoved one another like children arguing like children often do. The wisdom that poured off Jesus was staggering at this moment, his knowing, so all encompassing, threw me for a loop. Sometimes it catches me up short with a sudden panoramic view of it all that Jesus shares with me for that instant. I never fail to be amazed.
Another thing Jesus told me in church today, this day was one of those times when Jesus seemed to make up for all my doubts and worries, there wasn't a spread of doubt about who it was speaking. His authority was mind staggering, all encompassing. He told me that my children would belong to him one day. I felt assured that they would also fit into his hand one day. I had been thinking about how the world seems to be divided between God's people and those who follow the evil one. I hoped that my children, even though I hadn't raised them well, would follow Jesus before they died. Jesus assured me that eventually they would also be among his followers. So now I worry about what travails and pain they will need to endure to finally find Jesus in their lives. How will they finally feel the call to Jesus? I always find something to worry about. I remember the gospel where Jesus says, “ I will not loose my own.” It is almost as though we are born in one camp or another and each side does the job it was put on earth to do. Talk about undoing science.
When I told Jesus about the theme for my mystery book he laughed and said, "I like it." It is about the battle between good and evil and how we seem to be pawns in a game run by Gods. He didn’t say it was true, he just said he liked the idea as though the theme teased him. The point of all this is that Jesus is here in spirit now, he does know and he does watch and he does enjoy our antics as we try to cover up our tracks before he arrives. We needn’t bother.
I’ve thought about Jesus arrival. There are a number of ways for him to get here: He could be born again, the least desirable and probable. He could be here in adult form but not have awakened to his real self yet. He could be here among us as an adult and not come out to reveal himself yet. He could be traveling and on his way here and will arrive in full glory like it says in the bible. He could stage a number of these events for our benefit. However Jesus gets here or "arrives" we can be certain that God in on the way here with his accompaniment of worlds, cities, conveyances, and angels.
5/10/01
How can this be possible, all these little contrivances against me, and not for the first time. Took in my film and they lost it, couldn't find it for a week, I went there and they found it, after I pointed it out to them, but it wasn't processed. Took it to speedy that Saturday, he said it would take five working days. It got back the 8th but no one called me. He was supposed to call me when film came in. Girls said there should have been a star in red marker to show them to call. I specifically told the man I needed it in a hurry because of a grant. So twice my film was hijacked. How did he do it? At two different places and times, though they are next door to each other. This makes me all the more determined to get those grant papers in the mail. Most people would call it fate but I know better. Does he take on another person's mind and make them screw up? He must, he can't become all those people with different jobs and home life’s, can he? So I never know when or where he will attack next. But Jesus says don't worry. He only can do so much, and why doesn't he want me to try and get a grant? Actually my chances are very slim as it is.
This is probably why my alarm got messed up too, him. I thought I felt him when he was installing the system. That is why I worried about him getting back in because he has the code. But it probably wasn't him, just a young boy doing a job and he took over for a minute? Can he take over anyone? Or just his own? Or those not aware of the possibility? Or am I crazy? But I know him, I have seen him before in various places, screwing people up royally. It doesn't make sense, does it? Be careful and don't see him where he is not, could become paranoid just watching for him to show. Take Jesus advise, don't worry and keep pushing. All he can do is try to push back, I don't need to let him get away with it.
Jesus told me before that "you will understand soon." Is this what he meant? That I would find the evil one in many people. I thought he was changing his face and pretending to be certain people but I may have been wrong. Instead he may just attack their mind for an instant and they do his bidding? Does he whisper to them to "just let it slide, you disserve a grant more than that person?" Somehow he may induce hate in a person. Easily done I have felt my own hate and the need to control myself. For that moment of hated thought, they screw up? To simplistic? Don't know. Hope I don't learn any more about him. Don't want to know. Enough of these junky thoughts.
Interesting article in the Free
Press today about segregated kids. It said that without diversity, "Adults
who never shared a laugh or a tear with a friend of another color, will leave
their world no different than they inherited it: separate and unequal."
Need more
white people to move back into
5/13/01
We expect magic from Jesus. We are waiting for him to step down on earth and wave his magic wand to make everything well. Can he? If he did that he would be destroying our autonomy, our ability to make choices. No, we are the ones who need to change ourselves and our world. He can only push us on. As we grow more able to understand one another and be in touch with each other we also need to use that understanding to enhance our human growth. We have untapped powers in the human psyche, powers we never dreamed of. How else will the lion lay down with the lamb unless we set them together and hold them still with out minds?
5/15/01
Jesus said to get moving on the book. Mary showed me again a quick snap shot of the hurricane covering earth. Even though it needs to get done, it will still take a long time before it comes out. At least a year even if I publish it myself. So I promise I will have it ready for publication by the end of summer or earlier. Jesus still needs to show me a lot of stuff that will go in it, but he can do that while I write.
5/16/01
Yesterday
morning I was trying to meditate before I left for
At that point Jesus stood in my awareness and said, "We can't keep you home." He smiled as he said it.
At his words I realized that I had been traveling or my mind was drifting to other places as I involuntarily voyaged somewhere unknown. Thinking about it, I realized it had felt as if I had been floating above the people looking down and because it happens so often, I thought it was a made up image. Not true. I doubt that I was looking out from someone else's eyes because of the angle. I must have been just viewing a random scene while I free floated. These people didn't notice me so I must not have been physically there just my mind was.
The scene had no meaning to me and no purpose, no explanation from my past or present. It was just a simple moment in the couple’s life that I happened to drift into. It's scene played out like a movie and I had as much involvement as I would in a movie. None.
This brings up the question, of how many times do we all see fragments of scenes and attribute them to imaginary dreams. We never consider them to be real images. Perhaps we should begin to take note of those sometimes-silly scenes that have no apparent meaning. Just playing out and running through our mind may be all the meaning they need. We may be there watching. We may be traveling and not even know it. It may be a latent power from our psyche. Often we get these scenes while we are drifting off to sleep half awake. This is the time when our minds are held less to the reality we have imposed on them during the day. It may be only at these times that we are able to overcome perceived reality to travel and view places far away.
This hidden ability may also include time travel. It looked to me as if the two people I saw had just gathered a large bag of leaves. Leaves that fall in the autumn not the spring when this happened. Although it may have been large black bags of grass clippings, don't know. The view of grass behind them was on a slight rise or hill and the road in front was dirt. I did not see enough to include a house or mailbox but I believe it was a rural scene. It didn't have the flavor of an urban setting.
I wonder if we all travel the world and don't even know it, every day. How wonderful. We only need to learn to give ourselves more control in order to stay a little longer than a quick visit. I speculate if our movies and TV programs play a large part in this ability. By making the world visible and common for all of us, it has also broadened our mental capacity with imagination. Yes, I am sure this is the case. The more we take in as stimulus the more we put out as knowledge. This delights me. I love to see us grow. This will also help with empathy and understanding our fellow humans who are different. We are on the road to homogeneity, for better or worse. This is why evil tries so hard to divert our course by separating us with hate and jealously.
Was it
Monday or Tuesday I saw the picture of the
5/16/01
I' vet been thinking. It seems to me that we all have a good side and a bad side, trite and over worked concept but if we think about it as Jesus on our good side then he is always potentially with us if we choose the good side. Just the same we could think of our good side a like a blank movie screen and the prophet, or God, or guru that we most admire is the one who develops on the screen. The same could be said for our evil side, which is on the backside of the screen.
We don't need different screens for different people. All of heaven speaks for Jesus so it doesn't matter if it is actually Jesus who speaks at any moment but only a sense of his being. I could also be wrong because Jesus can be so many places at once. Even I can see out from another person’s eyes once in a while. Imagine Jesus ability to see out of multiple eyes simultaneously. I even wonder if God is on both sides of the screen because he is the screen just as he is the universe.
5/23/01
So much to
write about I don't know if I can write it. I went to
I believe that Jesus sent me into that small gas station far off the highway. When I walked in I noticed the shopkeeper had a red circle on his forehead, which meant he was a Hindu. I think we had an instant mental rapport and this is why he agreed to help me so readily. As spiritual people we help each other when needed. He couldn't make the phone calls on his own but his manager or owner who agreed to allow the calls. I was so thankful. It is amazing how one person can meet a complete stranger who is in tune with God or a higher spirituality and their minds click for a moment. I never did learn their names but names are not necessary for recognition in the spiritual realm.
This reminds me how I kept seeing angels while I rode down the street but I didn't pay attention. Perhaps they were trying to tell me that I had left my purse, if so, I didn't hear the message, I just kept thinking of other things. It was left to Jesus to finally direct me to the right place for help.
5/25/01
I have been thinking of Y. His job is to accelerate the spiritual awakening of the people in the world. At least, those who are willing and able to tune their minds to a higher realm. There will always be people who refuse enlightenment. I am so proud to know him.
5/29/01
This is all crazy speculation. I am seeing Xs everywhere. I know this is really stretching what we believe in but I have been supposing and playing with an idea that won't go away. It fits many facts even though it sounds crazy. It is that the original apostles are still around and have always been around as immortals. They have been playing with our culture and sending us ideas from behind the scenes. The Bible says that they will stay until Jesus return and at the end of Luke ? The apostles said that Jesus didn't say his beloved would live forever but they took it to mean she would. In other words the apostles took the idea seriously that they would live until Jesus returned, but they also thought he might return soon because who could believe deep down that they could out live other people. So much has been rewritten and translated wrong in the bible over the years that I find it surprising that these little snippets of outlandish ideas were left in. Maybe they were so outlandish that no one dared to take them out or change them. This wasn't the case with changing Jesus’ beloved, it was easy to change the name of Mary into John.
I don't really believe the twelve apostles are running around playing with our lives, do I? Fun and game. If they were still around, and I think X is one of them, imagine their thinking. At first they probably were very faithful to Jesus words. but as time went on it would have been easy to play God as they increased their powers. Anyone who lives two thousand years would accumulate powers. They could manipulate people in the name of Jesus. After all those years how could they help feeling a little superior to all the rest of humanity? But perhaps Jesus slaps them down to size once in a while. He does me. Or they may just keep plodding along waiting for Jesus to return but he never did. When Jesus does return, they may die like the rest of us or leave with Jesus and most of humanity? A promise they have been waiting for two thousand years for Jesus to keep. Now I come along and purport to talk to Jesus and travel with him. They at first think it is another false alarm? There have been many. So they test me and learn that I am sincere although this doesn't prove anything. If any of this is true, my question is are they hopeful of Jesus return or afraid? What have they done during all those two thousand years? Was it for or against Jesus? Jesus just told me that they all remained faithful. So now I wonder if they are tired and want to end their long vigil of work.
Is any of this true? I don't know. There have been very great prophets who didn't live forever or did they? A future science , where Jesus or his advisors or support help may have came from, might be able to change a person's DNA to everlasting life. Of course, Peter died on the cross, upside down. But how do we know that after a short coma-death he didn't get up and walk out of his grave. It would not take long to realize that you need to stay hidden. Or would it have been good advertisement to not hide? Ah here is the crack in the armor of the idea. Seems like an apostle would have shouted the miracle if there was one. So none of this must be true. It could also be that their deaths were worth more than their living bodies. Or maybe it was only rebirth in the flesh and they remembered who they were?
Jesus told me I would understand soon, maybe I am beginning to.
I think I knew one person who staged their own death but he was certainly no follower of Jesus that I could understand so I conclude that if any of this is true, their are also people working for the other side who are immortal too. Maybe this all isn't as silly as it sounds. If you start stepping out of your usual reality you must expect to confront weird ideas and beliefs.
Is it X who keeps trying to discredit me? or is it only a person who prefers not to believe what I am saying? They may be so used to hiding that they don't want their cover blown away.
Jesus said, "Blow it off.” He also told me once that X is so used to changing covers or illusions that he is expert at it. I wonder if he even knows who he really is? I am still in the dark and don't know anything. I need to understand soon. I know one X is a great illusionist when it comes to character but is he the only one? Could he just be a good actor? Then I've met a few of them.
5/31/01
I get the impression that it is very important for humanity to learn to use their minds better, to grow the ability to perceive other worlds as well as grow in empathy for all people of every world. I actually feel a pressure from Jesus to continue because of this need for mankind to reach outwards. If Jesus is sure of its importance, than who am I to doubt? I will push to get this book out there for all our sakes.
6/1/01
Tonight we went for a visit to Cotton world for a few minutes. It was my choice, I actually felt lonely and wanted to meet the people again, and I still don't know their names but is that important. Of all the world's I have visited this one feels the most like home. It's aromas and colors and textures and quiet friendliness gives me such a feeling of hominess that I've seldom felt in my own home.
I got huge hugs from the adults and children who where in the home when we arrived and then I sat at the dark wood table and watched a young adult get up on the family mound and speak about their history. They have helped many worlds and places over the years and they are proud of their service to diverse peoples in the universe.
I did not understand any specific things that he was talking about because I wasn't familiar with their history and other places. I didn't mind, it was pleasant sitting there listening to the drone of his voice as it arose and lowered in pitch. Besides I wouldn’t' have had any reference to the different worlds he was talking about. Very soon after we arrived we left. We walked out the door in the tree and the sun was shinning and the tree's leaves were very green. It was just after a harvest and all the cotton had already been raked and gathered up. It looked like a wonderland.
Surprisingly
I saw a tree down in
6/2/01
I am beginning to understand. I know and see so much that I don't write about. I don't want anyone to read certain information pertaining to specific people who have a right to their privacy so I try not to reveal names unless they or Jesus tells me to do so. He has told me to write it all but he did not say to include names or reveal certain people who are in hiding.
They are different although one of the most obvious differences is their long lives. It makes all the difference in character, behavior, ability, and outlook. Not for them the same standards and morals that we have grown throughout the centuries (perhaps through their contrivance). They don't need to worry about escaping death, death makes all the difference. It overlays all our thinking and behavior and drives our cultures. Our whole civilization could be described a culture of death. Everything leads to the fact that our lives are short and disposable: Fiction, laws, attitudes, fears, hopes, politics, greed, religions etc. all have their base on the fact of our final death.
I have called some of these people angels but they are not true angels though they have abilities beyond the human. They have been watching us for such a long time that they know us inside out and backwards and therefore can anticipate our thoughts and behavior to certain stimulants and events. This makes it extremely easy for them to turn us one way or another in whatever direction they want us to believe at the moment. The catch is that they are not all of the same stripe, some would turn us forward and others backwards. They are not Gods so they have limits but they can outmaneuver us when they choose.
Most of all they lay low staying hidden from view. I think you could find them mostly in the lower classes because this population is so invisible. But of course, since money is the current exchange mode and necessary for existence, they have that too, as much as they need, but probably they attribute much less to wealth or power than we do. They may have provided a few great men to our history but on the whole, I think, they prefer to mix among the crowded lives of everyday humans.
Here is the point, humans who attain the same attitude towards life, wealth, and power become more like these psudo-angels. Even some of their abilities and magical deeds can grow within a human who has accepted this kind of philosophy. This is one of the reasons all the great religions produce prophets and other great people, they all finally come this philosophy of life, even though, or in spite of the fact of death. Christian's await life after death while Buddhists await rebirth, it all adds up to the same thing, life, death, and life. In short the universe is a garden of life, change, rebirth, change of life into many different forms.
The lady from Nexus's words may have also had a figurative meaning when she said, “You will join two worlds.” Christian and Buddhist beliefs are like two different worlds but whose underlying purposes may be the same. In fact we could look at Jesus words as being Buddhist. So much so, that many people have speculated that Jesus may have traveled to the East when he was growing up. East and West could somehow join the concepts of love.
6/3/01
It felt a little odd today in church when I suddenly thought of Y, I had been thinking of him and lot lately pertaining to my writing, and Y suddenly said, "I am here." This pleased me but startled me nevertheless. I hadn't asked him to visit today, I assume he was there because he wanted to observe the mass. I liked his presence for the few moments he stayed with us.
Perhaps you are wondering if there is a conflict about Y being there in Jesus church. There is no conflict. Even if Jesus wasn't Buddhist to begin with, it may be that older and wiser religions grow into Buddhists beliefs eventually anyhow. While mass was going on I thought about the words Jesus gave us for the Bible and couldn’t find much that wasn't Buddhist. A lot of people have noticed this. Jesus is like Buddha. Both Jesus and Buddha taught humanity, both teachings were changed over the years into religious dogma, both teachers were religious rebels. I am telling you this because I think Y is attaining Buddha-hood, of course, that has been his direction all his life. But it is one thing to strive towards a goal and quite another to reach it.
I am not saying that he has reached full enlightenment, I don't know and you would need to ask him, he says not. I only suppose that he is gaining abilities that most of us don't understand. This is as it should be. I feel like such a child when he is near, almost as much of a child as when I am close to Jesus. This childish feeling isn't intended but I recognize my own limited spirituality and reflect this feeling when I am with higher spiritual beings. I also recognize that I am only a voice that is my job, to see and report.
Another
reason I mentioned Y
at this time is because he was with me for a short time while I was painting
too. I kept struggling to paint myself meditating like my last painting but no
matter what I did I couldn't do it. I wanted the whole painting calm, serine,
and quiet. It turned out anything but.
When I was near the drawing that would satisfy me. I felt Y's presence and
agreement for a moment. When I looked at what I had drawn, it was just the
opposite of calmness. It was a person meditating, all right, but the person was
nearly starved, deep circles were under her eyes and the background was spotty
and violent. Then I realized why. This was just what I wanted. It was a
reflection of the torture going on right now and in the past in
This brings up another question. I perceive you might ask. Where is Jesus when Y comes to visit? I have asked this myself. During church Jesus was there with me and he was at the alter when the priest said communion. Jesus is always with me but I don't always perceive him. But just as many humans can gather in one room, so can many minds gather together. I have experienced this once or twice but it only confuses me because I am such a novice at mental gathering. I now suspect that mental traveling has been going on for a very long time but only now is it coming out into the open, especially in the west. We'll Jesus told me to do it. He has instructed me to tell it all. I think Jesus means that it is time for all of this information to come out because the earth is in such danger that only a great number of people using both mental and physical strengths can help. He wants us to recognize the real power within spirituality.
Here is an odd thing that happens when you talk to someone mind to mind, and Jesus tells me that each person tends to do this. When you talk to someone mind to mind, you give them a spot in space that belongs to them. In other words, when Jesus first began talking to me, I saw and recognized his voice on my front/right. Later I changed this because the evil one took over his spot on purpose to confuse me. When I talk to Y he is on my right/side a little towards the back. When I talk to others they may have the left or front or even back. For some reason having to do with our need to know where a speaker is in space, we give attributes of place to each specific person but we can change these places as we choose. These set places are arbitrary and fictional, they don't exist except in our minds. The voice does exist but not in the spot we assign it to. Unless it is like Jesus is when he has actually appeared to me, then I can assume he really is there and has taken up that space, but he doesn't always appear in that area of the room.
6/3/01
I have been
thinking a lot of
This
reminds me of the Sufi religion or philosophy, or a few main points that I
remember about it. They have no center of worship and are disbursed all around
the world. Also they can live and participate in all areas of life because
their beliefs don't exclude any other. Another way to spread spirituality out is like the Christian
churches do in
6/5/01
Jesus specifically insisted that I write this. In church Sunday the priest kept saying that Jesus didn't know he was to die. But he did. He only hinted of this to his disciples that he was to die but he knew. He had also pushed and prodded events until the final betrayal. Don't forget that he also knew he would suffer tremendously. His beloved knew. He didn't tell her but she was so close to Jesus that she picked up on his emotions. She was also afraid that he was deliberately walking into a trap or cauldron of evil. She begged him to stop, to reconsider. She was there in the garden. She kissed him first. Her lips tasted the salt and sweat of fear on his cheek. The taste clung to her lips long after.
While I was writing this Jesus stood nearby and assured me that it was all true.
He had made his decision and refused to back down. None of this was said or needed to be said. Fate was set. Worry and distress had only cut through his shield for a few moments. He arose to meet his fate as soon as the solders arrived. At any point in the proceedings of slaughter he may have been able to put a stop to it by calling on heaven to intervene, maybe not. He did not and I still cry to this day that his death not be in vain. Yes, I was there too.
6/6/01
God opened up a door in heaven and pouring golden light down on me during church Sunday because I had been feeling so bad I was afraid my heart had turn to stone. When the door opened, God’s golden light flowed down on the gathering of people. I realized that all over the globe God was listening to people as they prayed and sang in churches this morning. It makes a beautiful picture. In fact, we give God the whole weekend. The Jews worship him on Saturday, Christians on Sunday, and Moslems on Friday. Imagine a million calls from earth to our God, wonderful.
6/8/01
I was thinking before meditation about the difference religions and how they should all be one-But I’ll get to that in a minute. First I want to explain about the Buddha Chants this morning. I put the tape in the middle and soon began to see and experience rain falling upwards and then a quiet pause. the next sounds pulled every breeze into vast clouds that gathered on each side with a funnel of golden light in the middle almost like a doorway. Then the movement pulled everything into a central column of spiraling movement as I lifted higher and higher and higher up the funnel.
The next range of sounds had me free floating in space like an astronaut. The stars and the deep blackness of space near earth was all around me as I lay with my arms stretched out-I just free floated. Then an opening began to appear with glimpses of sunlight and a blue sky or colors of rainbows and flowers. It was as if they were inviting me to enter, then like an eye, they closed up again when I didn't accept the invitation.
I hung there suspended for a long time until I heard a loud clang, the cassette had turned off. My soul carried this peace throughout the day. I feel so solemn and full of quietude it’s hard to keep writing but I must.
Last night I was supposed to be meditating but I kept drifting off, usually when this happens I try to drift myself back. I kept drifting off during some chants too but was able to keep returning to my center. We'll finally I gave up and just sat back thinking. I was thinking of all the religions. I had recently looked up information in my Dictionary of World Religions. I looked up Sufi to double check whether they can incorporate other religions into their own belief system. They can. In fact the Sufi religion is almost a joining of Christian and Buddhist beliefs. This is beautiful. Hindu allows other Gods into their religion. We'll I suddenly laughed and told Jesus "I am not much of a Catholic am I?" and he smiled back at me agreeing. I practice the Catholic religion by going to mass most Sundays but other than that I am not sure how catholic I am because I don’t like rules. I know I am a Christian but I also believe I am a Buddhist, Sufi, Jew, Hindu, and perhaps more.
Jesus agrees with my attempt to incorporate all these religions into one belief in my personal life. I have for a long time. I seems to me that most of the difference between religions is ritual practice that evolved around them. Most have as their base a belief in something greater than ourselves, if not God, then the universe. Most religions show us how to experience the love and spirituality of humankind and we do need this.
I am not an expert in religions so I am unable to list the differences and likenesses. I only know that I personally don't find any conflict. I can use a method from each of them and delight in its truth. I am not talking about the practice of religion but the feeling of spirituality at their base.
If Jesus brought the Buddhist Religion to the west two thousand years ago he would have reformed it to fit the life styles of the Jewish people of his day. He may have let go of some ideas he didn't like or thought they wouldn't work in his home territory. During all the time the Buddha religion also evolved and grew as did other religions. Today we have a globalization of better and worse religions ideas that have evolved over the centuries.
Personally I just pick and choose what beliefs and esoteric knowledge helps me change and grow because I believe that is the way into God’s universe. I have found much to love in every religion I have read about and sampled. I stay with the Catholic religion because I find it comfortable. Here is an odd note. A number of kids I talked to say they are not Catholic but Christians. I try to tell them that Catholic is Christian too. I don’t know where they are picking up this idea that Catholic is not Christian.
You might ask, “But if you're a Christian and love Jesus how can you also worship Buddha or a Hindu God.” My answer is, and Jesus smiles at this as I write, “Jesus is no kindergarten child who says "me, me, me" You must love only me." No, he is a God or at least a highly evolved being who puts the people of the world before his own cares or glorification. What’s more, he sends us on the same road as he walked so we could follow in his footsteps and acquire the same mental powers.
Send your love up to heaven. Do you think it matters in what name you send it? If God is love does it matter if love is called Jesus or Christ or Buddha or Brahma or Vishnu or the Prophet Mohammad? The list could go on forever. Beyond our small world of matter, names do not count, only the essence of character has substance and validity.
When I began my spiritual road I used to feel a conflict between God and Jesus, I would think and worry that God would feel lift out if I prayed to Jesus more. How silly and childish. I know that now because a mature faith is just that, mature. It does not include jealousy or conflict or hatreds or narrow mindedness. The more mature I become the more I can include the whole world and universe into my worship and oneness of being. It’s like the Sufi tale of the elephant. You have all heard the story. A man tries to describe what he saw and each blind man who checks him out only feels one section of the elephant. Yet it was all one elephant. This is the moral of the story. It is all one God.
6/9/01
I have arouse into heaven on a pillar during meditation, this same pillar that is called the center of the world in many mythologies or world tree, or nave. Originally, there may have been a bases of fact to these symbols. It is also possible that original events were reinforced throughout history. It is true the idea could be explained as the need for imagery and to symbolically touch the vault of heaven, which was always strikingly overhead. It is also true that to accept that as the whole explanation, we shortchange the intelligence of our ancestors. They were not stupid. Jacob may have meant a symbolic ladder that the angels climbed up and down on but he could as well have been describing a specific method or means that put the angels on earth. Remember I have seen angels I have noticed angelic beings and other portraying themselves as humans. In fact, except for their long life span, there may be no physical difference between us and them.
Jesus asked me to write about physical verses spiritual to assure all of us that both should form the base of the cosmos in our beliefs. This is hard for us because we tend to believe in either one or the other but we must remember both interact and are valid. We must always remember that even if we ascribe some kind of Star Trek to the angels and heaven, the spiritual is truly a part of it all. I remember the time Jesus has told me that he feels like a real solid person when I can only perceive him as an ethereal person.
When Jesus comes back will he still be mostly spiritual? He expects us to be more spiritual by the time he arrives. You will need to be ready for him but you need to do this for yourself. Would Jesus ever disrupt your needs and wants to serve his won purpose? Would he suddenly rip your soul asunder? Would he force you to love him? Could he force you to be more spiritual and loving?
I know most Christians believe Jesus will take them in spite of their sins. I am not talking about trite sins here but a souls direction in life. If your soul is going in the wrong direction, I doubt if even Jesus could turn it around quickly, he needs time to teach you through experience that what you prefer to do is follow him. I may be wrong here and did not ask Jesus. This is what Jesus has been doing through two thousand years, calling us to follow him.
I need to admit that when the beautiful Lady first told me that it was all true, I wondered if she was from the evil one because I was afraid that I was being led down the wrong path. It was a bitter pill to swallow after believing all my life in religion as only spiritual. I am not even sure what we mean by spiritual. I think we mean things we can't see that are above us and superior. We can't see mind. We don't understand how spirituality works because we still don't understand how the mind works or all that it could become. If Jesus sends his mind to me in the form of a visit, is that spiritual? I believe so. If Jesus arrives on earth again with his physical form but a spiritual mind that could enclose everyone on earth, will he then be spiritual or both? So this would be an example of the spiritual and physical event mixed together. Our small minds or abilities may only see one part or another and not both. I only state this as a descriptive example but Jesus smiled so I guess it does set out some truth and understanding. My ignorance is probably the reason why I was picked to write these notes. All of you should feel superior to it.
6/9/01
I can't sleep tonight, my head hurts and my bedroom is too noisy. The sound of the city at night sounds like a fan or furnace running on high. the hum of the city turns into a roar at times. This night it is so loud that it bothers me greatly. The day is noisy too but tolerable. I keep getting tortured every day with loud music and vibrations because so many young men live in my neighborhood. I hate to hear the swearing in the rap music all the time. It actually hurts my psyche. I speculate that my ears have become more sensitive since I have increased in spirituality. I seem to pick up sounds so much more easily now. Well, get to the point.
The reason
I came downstairs and am writing is because laying in bed I saw a line of people
carrying their mattresses and other items of ownership on their backs. I
thought they looked oriental, not sure. They are in trouble with nowhere to go
and be welcomed. I asked Jesus and he said they are in
This is cute. Now I remember that Jesus told me earlier that I wasn't done writing. I said I was because I had put the tablet up and was tired and ready to go to bed. Now here I am writing just as he predicted. Maybe now I can to go sleep.
6/11/01
There is so much to write about I don't know where to begin and I’ve forgotten most of it. I wanted to write this down Sunday but didn't so now I need to try and remember. I remember Y visiting in church again, just before the concentration of the host. just before the words were repeated about Jesus giving up his life for us. This part of the mass always chokes me up. Y was there and I reached out my hand to touch his but of course there was no hand there. Just before that part I had told him that most of the mass was ritual built up over the years. He said he understood completely.
I am sure most religions consist of more ritual than substance. But it’s all-important to us. I asked why he had joined me in church again. He said he liked to see the church service through my eyes, my understanding of it. Yes, I agreed, much better than trying to read a dry book on the subject of the Catholic Church. But I warned him that I wasn’t much of a Catholic. He said, “I know.” And smiled.
Then we talked about Jesus being a Buddha. I could tell that he believed it as a truth, that he felt Jesus and he shared close spiritual ties. I smiled at that. I believe he studies all religions that he is searching for their essences, the nugget that drives them. He may study them through many people’s eyes, how fascinating.
I imagine God as he poured forth his truth in different times and to various peoples throughout history, serving up diverse aspects of himself, different modes of belief, different ways to worship, different descriptions and different images and symbols. I imagined the many manifestations of God spread though time and the complexity of the idea all together was mind-boggling.
I am not sure if Y believes in an actual God, the Universe as Being, or Oneness. Then why not God as the Universe too and in only a few religions does he becomes a being like ourselves. I remembered God pouring golden light down on me the last Sunday and pictured his golden world and how easily he could have produced a son on earth for our benefit. Aren’t we all sons and daughters? A son who deliberately step by step laid down his life for humans everywhere, so that we could see and believe. The Bible says he died for forgiveness of sins but it is the same thing, we must believe in order to ask that our sins be forgiven.
Also in the car on the way to church Jesus told me I would have something to write about from church. He was right. In the scripture Jesus talks about the Holy Sprit and that it is apart from himself but that it speaks truth.
John 16:12-13
I have much more to tell you but you cannot bare it now. But when he comes, the spirit of truth, he will guide you to all truth….”[11]
And I wondered if it is the Holy Sprit who has been speaking to me about these truths I write about. But isn’t it Jesus? Of course it is because it is Jesus who speaks. Wasn’t it Jesus death that released his spirit so it could speak. While we are in the flesh on earth our likeness to God, our spirit or soul and our bodies are bound together in a tight union. It is only at death that they can separate. We are all made up of a trinity of god, soul, and body.
Jesus being more superior, more Godlike, more Buddha like, more higher evolved, could direct his Holy Spirit and still does. His spirit speaks for all of heaven. So when I wonder if it is Jesus or a representative of heaven speaking I should realize that it makes no difference because all of heaven speaks the truth and is with God.
On a new note, I was beginning to believe that I wouldn’t die, that Jesus would come and pick me up. Now I've been told that Jesus won’t get here before that time. I have been told that I would live a very long life. I wonder and dread that it will be a long life as lonely as the past 20 years have been. I certainly don’t mind dying. I already know Jesus will take me through the U. with a golden flower in my hair someday. I love him so deeply. I love Y too and X and the kids around here and in school and my family and all the suffering and abused people and all the distressed people and all the lonely people of the world. I frown that I am unable to show my love in physical ways. I can’t really hug everyone but with the angels help, I try to hug many. In fact, my lonely type of personality is somewhat necessary for writing and thinking and listening to Jesus. I find it hard to sometimes converse or use small talk with people let alone hug them. I think this is why I liked taking care of senior citizens. I could hug them easily. Kids are spontaneous huggers and I like that and the people in church hug me sometimes too. I am fine, but sometimes I just don’t recognize how fine I am. Tonight I set beside my backyard pond I've built up over many years with rocks I’ve found. It is only a hole that needs running water from the hose to become a pond, but it has weeds and grass and flowers and dark woodsy smell and bird chirping and pheasants calling to each other and a tree canopy overhead. I allowed the trees to grow huge over the years for shade. I love to sit and listen to the water trickle over the leaves and rocks and the birds singing. I love the green all around me. I avoid the ugly garage and telephone pole wire and the other harsh noises from the street, the ice cream jingle bells truck, and children calling out as they play.
This night there is no loud rap music playing to invade my green corner, I find the rap music actually painful at times. Yes, this evening my corner of the world is perfect. I must apologize for even thinking I don’t have enough. God forgive me for my selfishness. With Jesus and the angels near by my little corner has become a shrine.
And this reminds me of the Sufi fable: The Shrine
Nasrudin left his father’s shrine where he lived all his life and was traveling through the mountains when his donkey suddenly lay down and died. Overcome with grief for his many years companion, he buried his friend and raised a simple mound over its grave, then silently meditated beneath the high mountains. Before long, people taking the mountain observed the Mulla weeping over his profound loss. They thought that a great man must be buried there to cause such grief for so long. Soon a rich man chanced by and ordered a dome be put on the spot. Other pilgrims planted crops whose produce helped keep up the shrine. The fame of the Silent Morning Dervish reached all across the land, even to Nasrudin’s father. He came to ask his son what happened. When his son told him, he exclaimed, “Why that is just how my own shrine was built more than thirty years ago, after my own donkey died. [12]
I paraphrased the story so much I took some of the enjoyment out of it. I took the story from the book, Caravan of Dreams by Idries Shah. It is listed in the footnotes and Bibliography in case you want to read a better and longer version of the story.
6/2/01
This is twice that I saw the World Tree. Today sitting in my back yard with my eyes closed I saw it again. It grows wherever we plant it in the mind. It helps us lift up to the stars. Jesus says it is only a construct made with the mind of the observer. I bypassed the tree when I traveled with him to the stars. It seems that ever since the chant grew it in my mind, it is there when I close my eyes and become calm and relaxed. As if it breathes and heaves its mighty girth and height up into the sky for me. As if the tree is proud in its majesty, its beauty so grand. I imagine its roots clinging to earth and enwrapping it like eagle claws. That earth's soil and soul that feeds on it. I think it will always be with me now and that perhaps it represents every tree on earth and entwines our souls within them. After all, we are a united part and substance of earth, we too are grown from its soil.
6/14/01
Jesus told me to go in the house and get my notebook. He wants me to write something tonight. Don't know what yet. I tried to meditate but couldn't. Jesus said, "You don't need to meditate." But I find that it brings me peace and lately my emotions have been upside down. I need to center myself, to breath peace inside. I feel much better.
He assures me that my notes are more or less the way I will print them. I haven't looked far back into my notes and even forget what is in there. My notes are very immediate. At this moment Jesus is pouring love out to me. I feel his calmness and understanding, his eyes twinkle with his own inner knowledge. He has just reached out and hugged me. The last few days I wasn't capable of being or feeling so close to Jesus because I'd been wrapped up in my own sorrows. I just fall into a hole sometimes and need to clime out. Jesus waits patiently until I reach for his hand to lift me out.
I haven't been traveling with Jesus very often. This third book is going to be deficient in travels. Oh, I feel such over overwhelming acceptance flow out of Jesus. He assures me that the book won't be deficient. I need to remember that it is his book even more than mine and he will see that it gets completed.
I had to go to the bank this evening. It reminded me of another evening I went to the bank. It was dark and as I came away from the ATM machine, a small black man jumped in front of me with a gun. He told me to give him my money. I don't remember what money I had at the time but it wasn't much. I was extremely poor at that time. He pointed the gun at me and said, "I'll shoot."
I told him that I couldn't give him any money. For some reason I felt calm and unafraid during the encounter. Then he yelled, "Give me the damn money," and then pointed the gun at the back car window where my son and foster child were looking out. When I still didn't give him any money, he pointed the gun at me again and pulled the trigger. It clicked but wouldn't go off. He looked at the gun with surprise as if he couldn't understand why it didn't go off. He pulled the trigger again twice but the gun still didn't shoot.
By this time the man was shaking so badly he could hardly hold on to the gun. I thought he was going to collapse. I still felt calm and unafraid because I knew Jesus was with me. I even tried to send love to this pathetic man. Finally the man pleaded with me to give him something. "Please, I got to have a fix."
I took out a $10.00 dollar bill and gave it to him and he ran away into the dark.
As soon as I sat down back in the car, the reaction set in. I began to shake almost as much as the man had. I was almost crying and kept telling the kids it was ok, that we were on our way to the police station. But I couldn't find the police station. I drove down Gratiot and couldn't find it for a while because I was so shook up. I knew it was on the corner but couldn't see it at first so I doubled back. Finally when I found it and we went in and reported the hold up, the police understood my inability to find the station as if it happens often to people under stress. By the time I talked to the police and gave them a description I felt better and drove home.
But I often wondered why Jesus saved us that night. I could feel Jesus at my side and this was long before I accepted that he would actually talk to me. But I did pray and meditate at this time in my life. Jesus was one of the reasons I became a foster mother. So I knew I wasn't doing anything great, I wasn't a valuable person. I could never understand why Jesus saved me that night or my children. Perhaps one of my children would do something great one day and the trauma of my death would hinder that? Perhaps I would do something for God one day? I speculated for a while and then forgot the incident until tonight. Now I can answer my own question. I believe Jesus wanted me alive so I could write this book. That it would take someone who had been through what I have, the change of life into the city? the men I married and never respected because they drank, the crazy useless anger. Who can say what makes a life or what makes a person have a specific quality in order to accomplish a certain job. For some reason as topsy-turvy as my life has been, Jesus knew I would grow the quality he needed and I still thank him for his encouragement. I love you Jesus. I guess that bank hold up was what Jesus wanted me to write about tonight because I feel dried out of words.
6/15/01
While reading the library book Images and Symbols [13] by Marcea Eliade, I came across a lot of information about the various religions that I had forgotten. It’s been a long time, ten to twenty years, since I read a great deal about religions. Also he grouped the information in interesting ways. But of course, much of what he considers symbols are my solid ground. I try to walk in both shoes and therefore see images and symbols differently. I was reading his reference to the Buddha's first seven steps and their symbols. When he describes time as reversible for the Buddha I inadvertently think of Jesus as he is now and perhaps as he was on earth. I sincerely believe that Jesus was Buddha or a Buddha who "Knows not only the past but the future. He can travel through time backwards and forwards." The parallel to rebirth is fascinating. "Brahmanic initiation, as quoted in book by Paul Mus was regarded as a second birth, he said that a person had to be re-born. Jesus says the same thing in the gospels a number of times. The birth of Buddha is linked to the Cosmic Egg or Golden Embryo, the Father or Master of Creation. This relationship resembles Jesus relationship to his Father, the Creator. To the Buddha all time is the present tense. Compare this idea with what science has learned about time. The Buddha has also transcended space therefore the Buddha exists everywhere in space/time as does Jesus, as does God, as do we if we should attain to these heights.
Except for Sufism, I know little about the Muslim religion but this I do know, if it is true that an angel spoke to Mohammed and of course it is true, then this religion too at its base agrees with the same cosmological ideas of all other main religions. I know this because all of those in heaven know the same underlying truth. In this sense heaven and angels are the opposite of Star Trek. They are all of the same mind or philosophy. It is like saying that if we really knew God, we could never do anything against his will, although we can't forget evil as a real force in there too.
So why do we have so many ways to practice and believe in the same truth? Because it needs to be said over and over again to diverse peoples around the world. We forget, the message gets old and ritualized, it becomes changed through time. Strange as it may seem, the phrase, "The more things stay the same, the more they change," fits religions as well as history. Interestingly, much of spirituality and mysticism hasn’t changed. I have read the same messages before in many religions. In fact, not too many of the ideas in this book are new. Most are a repeat of other thinkers, other ideas brought to faith. Each era of our understanding of Jesus does not give us more than we can understand. He stays within the perimeter of the probable and possible for our benefit or the full truth would be beyond our understanding unless we already had achieved it.
Interestingly, none of this recent information has come from Jesus yet he endorses it with his continued presence and smile. Y said to me “No one will dispute that Jesus is Buddha." He must have meant those of the Buddhist faith because many Christians would disagree, though I don't know why. The final dream is the transcendence of the profane. To quote Marcea, Yoga is a means of turning a person into the "Glorious Man with perfect health, absolute mastery of his body and his psyche-mental life, capable of self-concentration, conscious of himself."
This is certainly a definition of Jesus and Buddha. It is hard for us to realize what a man like this could accomplish. It would take many life times for most of us to come close to this perfection. So how did X do it? How does his shadow do it? Or is he a special breed of man. A face changer? There are hints through mythology of face changers in some religions. Today we usually ascribe a person with such powers as an angel or devil. So I began my book asking who is X and I don't intend to end it without him. I must remember that his control of illusion is so great, I may know him, and I look for him in everyone, and not be aware of it. He may be able to send an illusion to me. Ah, what a trap I've crated for myself. I have a special name for X, I call him Peter Pan.
I tried to meditate earlier but couldn't. I haven't been lately because it just needs to relax and Jesus is there to speak with. But tonight I couldn't sleep so I got up and after eating I decided to try meditating again. this time I closed my eyes and stepped into the Cosmos. As I breathe in and out the cosmos absorbed into me as if my skin were porous. I was feeling enrapture of the deep, wrapped within the myriad worlds and suns and colors and events and wonders of it all. It seemed that I belonged, that I fit perfectly. It amazes me that I continually experience new delights often during meditation. I wonder is this how it should be? or is Jesus training me so I can write about it? Is he moving me step by step up the ladder of being and joy?
6/20/01
This morning I took a moment before I left for work to sit and visit with Jesus. We went to the beautiful meadow. This is the place where I have often went to sit and visit with Jesus. We walk down through the wild flowers until we get to the lake and there we take a wooden boat for a ride. I love the smell of fresh flowers and damp earth. The water is sparkling clear with cattails growing on the shore. I can hear the water lap up against the boat, the oars slap the water and the hollow sound of wood against wood when we put the oars up and just drift. Jesus is aware of my fondness for water and rocks. But this morning Jesus told me something that surprised me about this meadow.
He said, "It will all be yours."
"You mean I'll own it?"
"You will come here after you leave earth. This will be your home."
“Oh, you mean that I'll exist in it and own the pleasure and experience I derive from it. But where or what is it. I thought it was a figment of my imagination.“
"It is New Earth."
I paused at this solemn thought, then asked, "Will I be with you?"
"You have been with me and will be again."
Tonight we went back and Jesus hugged me. Usually I hug him but this night he hugged me. Then I sat there and prayed for the people I know who need prayers. Can't sleep, I keep thinking of the junkyard growing on my street and next to my house. I know why and who, it is a little annoyance caused by the evil one who is trying to chase me out of my home. The reason is simple because I would become more vulnerable to his antics because I wouldn't have a place to live or would need to keep working very hard just to pay rent. I am not the only one evil attacks in odd ways. He is working on many people in my neighborhood. He is very subtle as he plays with people’s minds but most the time he hits barriers because they want to be kind and good. Most people don't believe in him, this keeps him invisible. He hates me because he knows I can see him and recognize him. He is the same one who instigated the hate against Jesus two thousand years ago. He is the same one who overwhelms you with annoyances until you break. He is the same one who whispers against other people in your life.
Can he be doing so many things to so many people at the same time? Yes. Remember he has all the powers of the angels, the only difference is that he is trite and little minded, so much so, that he can't understand any mind higher than his own. He can't understand spirituality-it throws him off his stride. He fights anyone who would become more than he is-anyone growing towards a higher evolution because he will not or cannot evolve.
6/23/01
I took a few minutes before I began my busy Saturday to listen to the Buddhists chants. This lifted me up into the World Tree and then flower petals began to fall and I with them. Each petal or leaf turned into a world that expanded if I went towards it. Then the air was filled with flower worlds and the ground lay profuse like a field of poppies on and on forever. I stood among the flowers world feeling diminished beneath a blue sky and then delicate butterflies swarmed around me in a spiral and lifted me up and up their tiny wings giving my body flight until we reached the top of the universe or world and then they spread out as I did creating a dome over the world. Then I dissolved and dissipated and scattered in the wind. Such a lovely and beautiful moment. But that’s when I lost it and fell back into the usual type of random thoughts. But Jesus had been with me during meditation and vision and he encouraged me to take a few minutes and write down where the chants took me.
6/26/01
This morning I went with Jesus back to Silver World. This time it didn't feel as though I was there so much as mentally viewing different areas. Jesus was summing up our many visits for a purpose. First he showed me the dead continent. Even from above it didn't look huge. It had few mountains and they were not high. Mostly I saw smudges and large areas of yellow, green, and brown. Then Jesus showed me the same area where I had visited before during the severe blight. I noticed that we had been on the edge of the rot. It was still a blighted area where we stood but a close look at the sparse vegetation in the area showed dark, dry green and brown. It all resembled scrub land that was old, like an old person loosing their hair. The plants looked wispy and lifeless. The edges of the rot was growing backwards although this wasn't apparent to my view. Jesus said the people were making headway section by section but it would take years to undo the damage. No one would be able to live there for a few generations yet. Jesus also showed me a quick overview of population. They happy and productive now that the war was over. I saw gliders in the air and more lively and colorful activity.
There was a purpose in going back this morning, a message for earth. Jesus said that the method the people used against the blight on Silver World would also work on earth. My first thought was that earth doesn’t have a severe problem like they do but then I realized that we seem to be growing one. Jesus must be referring to a possible future blight unless we fix our environment now. I shuddered as I imagined earth dying and growing in a dead blight but like most people, the possible consequences and seriousness didn’t sink in for long. We don’t have a problem yet.
Jesus keeps saying love is what is needed on earth. Our own earth is crying for love just as millions of people also cry out for love. Love is the answer. Most of us agree with that statement but it is too simplistic; so I hesitate to write the word love because the word has become so watered down and general that it is almost useless at explaining anything. It lacks oomph. Even though we all agree that it is true, the world does need love, it isn't enough to just say it. So I ask myself how else could we express the needs of a desperate earth?
If I think about what the people of Silver World actually did, they sent care, concern, and feelings of tenderness and hope to specific areas that were dying, then it becomes obvious what we on earth need to do. We need to act out our love by sending thoughts to those we love and the earth’s trees and animals and fauna.
“Is this right? Is this what we will need to do some day?” I asked Jesus
His answer to my question was, "Yes."
It is hard to envision right now during the lushness of this rainy, summer in June, that we could ever be in such danger of a blight like I saw on Silver World. But then I read about the environmental concerns and all the changes taking place: the warming of the earth, the melting glaciers, the loss of forest, the changing migration habits, the lack of water in many areas, the poverty of large numbers of people, diseases, fires. Remember that Revelation said that one third of the earth will burn. Don’t we have a lot of forest fires now?
Jesus has said before that we are at a turning point, a cusp of dangerous change. We need to stop, reverse these severe changes to the environment in the near future or we will get a runaway situation on earth that will have gone too far to change.
Ideally we need to have large groups to send out their feelings, to hug trees, hug the earth, enclose it in their arms, hug people, hug the ground and the sea and the rocks of earth. To reach out to all humans on earth and bring empathy and togetherness to one and all. Then we need, and I know this idea is almost impossible to envision at this time, to slow down our growth and consumption of everything; utilities, food, meat, land, housing, travel. We almost have to consume to keep the economy going. This is where we are today but if we continue in this direction we will short change the longevity of ourselves, our earth, and our children. Our extreme short sightedness, our "I want it now" attitude, is killing the next generation and the next. We want cheap gas now, never mind twenty years into the future, never mind what gas does to the air, never mind how it is non-renewable, never mind that each new automobile uses up plastic and pollutes the environment, never mind that many more roads are needed for the autos and more land is paved over and more people move further and further out. All this is just one small symptom of how and why we must begin to change.
If this cry
goes unheeded for long, it will become so drastic that we will be forced to
change by circumstances and by then it may be too late, that is if we escape a
major war. So far consumerism, by spreading itself around the western world has
helped to keep peace by catering to our wants and whims but as these products
become more scarce and effect our environment more harshly, the stress will
build up more between countries. The
6/26/01
Sitting out side in front of my pond this evening, Jesus told me about the new world. He said it is not a copy of earth as far as the exact mountains and rivers. But the atmosphere, fauna, and animal life is the same. We sat near a small waterfall where water was trickling down playing water music, just as my pond was doing at the moment and I said, "I love this waterfall."
Jesus said, "You have one similar in front of you in your yard."
"I know but here you are
sitting here with
I laughed, "Are you sure this isn't earth?"
"No, it's not earth. Only people with certain mental abilities will be able to come here.
I became afraid at these words, "But if we need all that much mental ability, many people will be excluded." I was thinking of large groups who adore Jesus but who are still very narrow minded. They are not able or willing to change their type of thinking. Perhaps their only problem is immaturity; I notice that young people go through stages of belief. We all grow more broad-minded as we mature.
Jesus said, "Everyone has the same potential to improve their mind’s ability. It is a valid choice, but for some it requires a longer and deeper step than for others."
This must be the same as sending love to others? "What will happen to the people who can't come to the new earth."
"They will need to fix up the old one. Earth can be saved. There can be two earths for humanity.”
"Won't we do the same thing to the new pristine earth that we did to the old one?”
"No because you will be able to hold each other’s minds. You will be able to hold and know your children and keep them under restraint with your minds. You will need to learn how to do this but you will. This also applies to the plants in the gardens and animals. There will still be storms, bad weather with dry and wet spells. It will not be perfect and was never meant to be. Even with your nimble and useful mental abilities, you will not be perfect and will still have a long way to grow.
"What about life span?”
"Yes, you will still have death but because of your greater mental powers and attitudes you will be extremely long lived and will choose when to die.”
"Won't we over populate this new earth too eventually?
"No, you will mentally control the number of births. Every new human will be loved and cherished and raised with the principals of the group.”
"What about war?
"Could you harm someone if you felt each blow as though you were hitting yourself? There will be no wars. On this world each of you would gladly lay down your own life to save another in distress and you will know their distress and feel it. Accidents will be very rare but possible. As you mature even these possibilities may change.”
"It sounds like you are describing a utopian paradise, a sort of dream. How do we know it isn't only my wishful thinking?
"You don't."
"Earth could never be that beautiful, it is already too corrupted with confusion and hate.
"People on earth will begin to grow to this ideal if people want to live. Traumas are coming to earth, have already begun. If you would save earth you will need to begin using your mental powers that you have so far neglected. It is the only way. You will need to appease the earth, its people, turn it back from its course of destruction.
6/27/01
I can't figure out what X is up to. He seems to delight in confronting me with his made-up presence. He always looks different and actually speaks to me but I still don't know it is him until he leaves. I met him in Kmart and he spoke and when I began to look more interested he waived his hands in a funny way as if he were gay to throw me off the scent and push me away. He uses little movements to try to draw your attention away from who he is. He might chew on something or have a crumb on his lip or a pimple, something that draws your attention to a specific spot. He also seems capable of setting up an aura around himself that prohibits me from knowing it is him. Now that I know that he exists, I search for him on every strange face and some not so strange. Since I am always looking, I should be able to spot him. How does he know where I am? We are linked somehow mentally? So he can always be at the same place I am if he chooses to do so. But the biggest question is why? Why is he hounding me? And, how does he get around so fast?
Is he slowing himself to me because I am writing this book and it has him in it? Is he supplying me with the information I need? I think this may be the case. I was hoping we could be lovers one day but this seems out of the question because he seems to take the opposite track to this idea. I have learned one thing at least, he is not just looking out of someone else’s eyes, he truly does have a body, of his choice, and face that he can change at will. Or is it all done by illusion?
Think about how we see and how we believe that "seeing is believing." Few of us question what we see. Why should we? If we assume that he is an angel then these slight of hand tricks and seeming obsequiousness is normal. At least for an angel. But because we don’t think beyond our ordinary assumptions we can easily be fooled. That is how he can be so many places at one time. Take a large gathering and put him in it and assume he has a beard. He walks around speaking and shaking hands. But he has another character and place to be at the same time. So he slips away, goes into his other character and place, then slips back into his bearded form. No one has noticed him gone. Even though if you were to ask if he is there, people would say that he was there all the time. He could be on the other side of the crowd so who would think he wasn't there? Even if he has center stage, it may be only for a short time and his disappearance wouldn't be noticed between speeches. Again this quality wouldn't seem so strange in an angel. But his is not an angel. In fact, he is the person of who Jesus once said to me, "He doesn't know what he is."
I still can't figure out if there are two X's, one good and one evil. I have never been afraid of him, in fact, I seem drawn to him after he leaves and I realize who it was. He has deliberately put obstacles in my way, at times. (Just a minute ago he said, “I will take your notes.” And when I thought of the back up disk, he said, “I’ll take that too.) Could this have been another attempt on his part to show me what he can do? Believe me, he can do and be anyone he wants to be and has a hundred characters set up with histories and the necessary papers and other pertinent information ready at his fingertips. This is all a guess on my part but I believe it to be true.
What if there was an army of such people interacting in our society? I would hate to think what would happen.
"It is not true." Jesus said. and I thanked him with a sigh of relief.
6/30/01
I am frightened and worried. Jesus said something last evening that I woke up thinking about. I have been lonely and would like family to visit once in a while but I am ok. If I had too much company, how would I ever get any writing done? Well back to Jesus’ comment. I had put the reading book down and was just smiling relaxed and thinking I should turn on the water in my pond when Jesus said, " You should enjoy it while you can.?
I didn't think too much of this statement. I wondered if he meant that the neighbors would turn up their music. But a little while later Jesus said something else.
He said "Something is going to happen soon, within a few years (or months)."
I said, "I don't want anything to happen."
He answered "You don't have anything to do with it."
Most of the time I am content even though I write about my loneliness or upset moods, it is just to get them out of my system or put myself on display as an example, but earlier just before Jesus statement, I had been thinking of past words by someone? evil? Speaking of my family by saying, "They'll all be back.." This is impossible under the present circumstances. I can't in any imagination conceive of my children moving back here. My children are all happy now. I even called my oldest son and he was having a get-together in his garage. I smile at their good fortune. But it is their fortune I was now worried about. Evil is always taunting me about my family and that I will need to move or they will.
But now I am worried about Jesus words. Is something going to
change drastically? Something bad? Was Jesus referring to
6/30/01
It's reasonably quiet and breezy tonight as I set near my idyllic pond. The trees rustle in the wind and the shouts of people seem far off. I thought of the trees today as I left Belle Isle after a few hours at the beach. They were so green and waving beneath the strong sun light as if to absorb all they could at this feast of energy. I imagined the millions, or trillions or uncountable number of trees on our planet and how their roots reach down deep into the soil through the earth worms and dirt granules rubbing against tiny feeder roots and all of it interacting chemically, ripening, enriching, growing, moving. I wondered if there could be more interaction than we give credit for, more than a chemical feedback, more like a joining of every tree to its earthen soil and the soil filling every nook and cranny of earth. Trees are more one with the earth than we are because it may be their business to stand tall and hold it all together. Trees are such slow living forms of life, hundreds and thousands of years old, they have seen it all. Could there be some kind of psyche connection between all the trees on earth or their biomass. I am beginning to believe so. I’ve never read or heard it put this way before except when the Indian on the west coast sent his emotions to me after communicated with the trees.
I don't think I mean that they can talk and think like we do because they are without brains, although what is a brain except chemicals making neurons interact. I am more on the road trying to understand their psychic communication that can't be detected by us because it is multiple by nature. It may be that all trees feel as one large group o that one tree can't communicate to us. They all reach down sensors into the earth as well as high into the sky, they may sense more about the earth than we can perceive. Perhaps there is such a thing as treeness, a tree as a single life form with a trillion parts. I feel enclosed and comforted by these thoughts. I sense the truth of them and also that my learning of this fact has the proper timing to include it in my book. If we cut down a single tree there is hardly a dent in the biomass, but when we cut down orchards and lay waste to huge areas, the sore may be felt around the globe.
This makes
me wonder about all the fires we have in the
So what does Jesus say? When I asked him he said, "It is time that you should write it." He did not elaborate.
6/30/01
I just realized tonight that I love Y deeply. I told him so and he smiled. I surprised myself with the strong feeling I had for him. I wondered when it began, when did my feelings grow so strong that I suddenly poured forth with them. I find I love him like I love Jesus, almost as much and it is a similar kind of relationship we share but not as mystical. After all Y is here on this planet. Is Jesus too? After I told Y I loved him, we walked for a short time and then sat down. He asked me if I wanted help to go into a deep meditation.
I thought about it for a minute but then answered, "No, I am afraid of getting lost."
He said, "Then you are not ready."
"One day soon I will be, that is a promise."
Later I asked Jesus, "What do you think about this? I am flabbergasted."
Jesus smiled and said, "Yes, it is well."
It seems as though he had been waiting for me to love Y or is it that Y is so mature he has almost reached the title of Buddha vista. Has he become so similar to Jesus that I would naturally love him? Reasonable assumption, regardless, I don’t intend to write more on the subject because it is private. But, of course I love him, everyone does who would know him. Jesus also said that I would write more about this at another time. Odd how we can spread love around. As much as I love Jesus sometimes, I would wonder how I had room to love someone else at the same time. But it's not odd at all, we mothers can love many children. I can love many people with different intensities and depth of feelings. Nothing odd about it at all.
7/4/01
This is an interesting dilemma. Earlier this evening I thought about work tomorrow and the fact that all my notes are copied already, I hoped there would be something to keep me busy. Then Jesus said, "You'll have something to write."
I thought about it but had to disagree because it was late and nothing happened to take note of today. I just couldn't see myself writing tonight. We'll maybe I'd meditate later and this would get me thinking. I continued reading a mystery novel.
In the novel two suspects say they did it, that they heard voices telling them to do it. They were obviously delusional and wanted to be found guilty. They were a pair of very sick people. I suddenly wondered if I was delusional. Jesus speaks to me, angels speak to me, Mary speaks to me, sometimes, even God speaks to me. Am I delusional? I asked myself , is it so deeply ingrained in me that I believe in its falseness; it’s totally, its untruth? How would I know? It certainly seems real to me when Jesus speaks. Some events with him still reverberate in my mind as the most real events I have ever experienced. How would I know?
And then I laughed. Can a delusion speak or warn of a delusion? Can a delusion tell me beforehand what I will do? How I will write? Can a delusion speak for itself or predict what action I will follow later in the evening? My head felt so dull and tired earlier when Jesus spoke those words that I was sure I would not have anything to write about tonight. I was mistaken. Here I am writing. How did Jesus know that I would hit on a word that involved me writing two pages. No problem for a person like Jesus, on that point, at least we can all agree.
7/4/01
Jesus tells me that we have a few more places to go. He implied that it would be wonderful and that I would like it very much. My first thought was that perhaps we would go to Jupiter but I think that the forms there would be too strange for me to understand and I am not sure what message they would bring to this book. Perhaps this visit will be different altogether from what I envision it may be. Perhaps Jesus will show me depths of his love that I have not reached before, perhaps I can't imagine where he will take me next. I can only wait until he invites me to go with him. How beautiful is my anticipation and love for Jesus Christ.
7/8/01
This morning before church, though tired and dragged out, I woke up early. It was Jesus who suggested that I meditate and use the Buddhist chants. For some reason I haven't been able to meditate easily lately. I am too restless a lot at night, so morning meditation is better for me.
This morning as soon as I sat down and relaxed with the chants on, X joined me. He wore a black suite and I asked him why? It took me a moment to recognize that it was X. I was startled and dismayed at first to have a third party join my private moments with Jesus. But after a second of unbalance, I adjusted to X's presence.
At first he tried to throw me off my stride by teasing and playing with me, he sent a snake at me and I petted it and wrapped it around me and then sent it on its way. Then when a breeze blew in butterflies, he sent in bats to gulp them up. But finally, I put a red rose between us with sharp thorns, a symbol of beauty and danger. This seemed to settle our differences. Even so, it felt strange and awkward to have him with me so I didn't get very deep into meditation until the end.
I purposely used mental constructs and images for his benefit and showed him the World Tree. He flowed up with me until we reached the top and then stayed floating as the chants took us up higher. The sound of the chants brought in flowers, butterflies and other swirling life around us. I thought of it as a creation chant, as if it were viewing God as he created beauty. Finally we floated down with all the blossoms and birds and butterflies and came back to the meadow. I smiled at my own romanticism then grew curious because this is where Jesus took over my mental images.
He stood off at the end of the path and then he brought the sun down to us, a golden orange globe from the sky and it set behind him. Jesus enclosed the sun with his whole self and waited for us. We walked down the path and entered the glowing, red sun. Just before we entered, everything turned into a golden, lighted entranceway. At this point, suddenly, the vision was complete and done. I got up and turned off the tape player and my living room was once more silent.
I wonder now what the message or symbol was that Jesus was trying to convey. Was it a prediction about the end of the earth? I don't' think so because even though it was a setting sun, the sky stayed blue. The sun was a red and swollen, molten like the sun had been heated up from constant motion, yet it was also awesomely beautiful.
I told Y he could visit me whenever he wanted and he said I could do the same. But, as I explained to him, I don't have much sustaining power, I can only stay a few minutes at a time and besides I don't want to disturb his meditation.
"I am meditating now," he told me and smiled.
I thought it was amazing how he can go all over the world at a whim, "And other worlds," he interjected into my thoughts, playing with me. He is so mature and wise and well trained. I think next he may learn how to actually teleport his body, that is if he doesn't know how already. I think X has already learned this trick? I think I will learn how to do this, some day too. But I am an infant playing with an adult mine field, I still have much to learn.
7/9/01
Tonight I am sitting at my pond swatting away flies. I know that some people can ignore them during meditation but I don't even try. Y said that you need to become invisible to them and they will leave you alone. Sounds impossible to me. They aren't too bad, not so bad I can't tolerate them. I forgot about them when I went with Jesus this moment. He took me to a wild running brook that was musically flowing across the rocks.
"You know I love nature wild and untamed, don't you. Not for me the organized flower arrangement and perfect grass, although some arrangements can be very beautiful, it isn't my first choice."
We walked through the meadow and I reached down and touched a bush of wild roses. I cut my finger on a thorn and watched the blood bead up.
"You don't need to bleed here." Jesus said.
I thought of myself sitting before my pond at the same time I was walking with Jesus in the meadow but Jesus said that isn't what he meant.
He explained that he meant that humans that live here don't need to bleed. They can stop the flow of blood if they choose. It is usual to allow it to flow for a minute to clean the wound. "You also don't need to let a thorn cut you if you are prepared. He gave me an example, if a person is walking through a large patch of thorn bushes they can protect themselves by creating a shield around their body.
"Would you give them this magic?"
"No, they need to have the mental compactly and ability before they come here. No one is allowed to live here unless they have certain mental abilities already in place that can nurture and grow.
"But isn't this earth?
"Yes, the new earth."
"What about children being born?
"They will be asked if they choose to be here"
"That seems odd but I like the idea.
We walked further over a hill of boulders and I recognized the small valley setting. "I've been here before"
"Yes, many times" Jesus answered.
We then went up into a very high mountain and watched the sun set. It was mild but very beautiful.
Jesus explained that there were diverse types of fauna like on earth, new earth has frozen poles too but the weather system is not so extreme. “But don’t worry, it is wild enough for you.
I smiled.
‘What about earth, the real earth? Will you show me what will happen to it? Then I stopped and changed my mind. “Never mind, I don’t want to know. But I thought you told me once that earth could be like the new earth? How? All I could imagine was billions of people crowding themselves out and pollution raining all over the continents.
“Yes, some disastrous events will happen before humans finally change the direction that earth is going. “
"Then we will change it?"
"It will be your choice. You will make the decision . I don't choose which way mankind will go. After the disaster, with the right choice, earth could be vitally alive again.
" I would rather be here"
"Yes."
I watched a flock of birds fly across the sky and looked around at the far off landscape once more before we left.
7/11/01
Sometimes
an event is so wonderful it shows the heights that our society can attain. I am
referring to the Right Whale that is swimming off the coast of
Although a part of the rise in consciousness is probably helped by the way news travels around the world at the speed of light and also because of high living standards and education. Leisure now gives us time to contemplate the feelings of other life besides our own. I am proud of us when we show such love. Even if we can’t save the whale, we cared, we tried.
Jesus said that something else will shortly show up that will bring out our concern too. I’d like to thank the groups who are sending funds to help the Right Whale.
7/11/01
We are changing, constantly changing and evolving. What may seem a backward step is in reality a lesson that pushes us onwards, ever onwards. This is Jesus message tonight. Mary is with us and Jesus and Mary took me into space. We went where the stars are so close together there is no darkness. Instead, a million rainbows, auroras of silken curtains surrounded us. We floated, bathed in light, milk white and this turned into a blend of colors but they were constantly changing and moving. Even when the whitest of white was changing and flowing I could perceive its movement. I could look far out, very far away and see the darkness of space again.
We went further inside until the flow grew like chrysanthemum petals constantly renewing itself or a fountain of pure silver star light moving up and outward, never creasing its outward flow. Over and over the flower flowed out, growing large then expanding. The point would ever flow and expand again and again.
Jesus said that this was the Mind of God, that we were inside the Source, God's continuous thoughts and imagery. Thought elements, sheets of flowering ideas, creative nodes of if’s and then's and causes and effects flowing forever everywhere, expanding infinitely.
God's creative thoughts never cease, according to Jesus. The movement continues into unfathomable reaches. If I put out my finger and imagine the tip penetrating the universe at that point, I couldn't count the worlds, universes, substances, times, reckonings, ideas, that go on and on forever.
"Nothing stays the same, all matter and events roll onwards towards God's goal.
This is the message Jesus and Mary wants me to convey tonight. The constant creativeness and movement of the universe. It never began, never stops, and never ends. It goes on forever. My mind cannot grasp a fraction of its totality. It has no totality, only movement and change. Only unending beginnings. Like a river that has no source, like a snake biting its own tail, like riding on a mobius strip, like the circumference of a circle, like a balloon that keeps expanding and expanding infinitely, no beginning and no end, only change.
We are changing and growing. We will never be completed. We will keep growing unceasingly because God will never cease. This is the message tonight, great change is coming, small changes are always coming, but we must not be afraid. Change is our birthright and our promise.
7/11/01
How many times has Jesus implied, or told me straight out that I would do a certain thing? not because he told me to, or ordered me to, or it was right. No, I would do it because that is what I did. The writing, the poem, the play, the book all completed for the most trite of reasons. The reason is that that is what I did and what the future has recorded that I did. Even tonight Jesus told me I would write, and it’s now one am in the morning and I got up to write a poem and now this. And the sad part is that it all pours out from my loneliness and pain. So here is the idea, both heaven and hell cause me pain because, because pain is what caused me to write what you would read in the future. It all falls into one singularity, my life is empty so that yours will be filled? Does this make sense?
No, not even to me but it is more true than truth, more real than I am, more painful then you will feel reading this someday.
I hear a laughs and words that say, "Its almost over."
"What" I ask, "the pain or life or both."
7/13/01
This is a warning
I am really afraid now, I keep remembering what Jesus said about "Something is coming." When I watched the television movie about the biological weapon, a virus I suddenly knew or was afraid that this is what is coming. Not a nuke, a bio-virus. Many events and changes may be coming but this one stuck out tonight.
So instead
of building an anti-missile shield we better put more effort into protecting
people from bio-weapons. The movie wasn't very good but the idea is real. I
wonder if someone else is getting the same idea, someone with the means to
enact or the urge to disburse a bio-weapon within the
Jesus said to warn you. This means
that it can be prevented. I know from books I've read that the U S is always
checking. Dogs check for drugs all the time, can they also check for a virus or
bacteria? A person could wear a virus on their clothing or shoes or carry it in
medicine pills. How could we prevent this? It would be easy. All it takes is a
very sick mind with a dedication to harm the
I remember once when I thought I could heal people, even though I was given a gift and shown how to use it, I was afraid to use it because I felt uncertain. An angel told me that one day I would use the gift and that I will know how when the time comes. Is this what the angel meant? Don't know. This is a warning. I don't feel like writing this. I don't want to know. The verse at the end of the movie was true. "Not if, but when."
It is odd,
but on the map of target areas and places where the infection was greatest and
spreading,
We all know everything because we are part of God and God knows and sees all. Remember King's book, "The Stand." I do. I remember it well. I don't believe we will ever get anything that bad, just bad enough to hurt.
When I think of the horror that might attack us, I feel very ashamed of my selfish outbursts and worries. My own problems melt away and pale next to the real possibility of a bio-terrorism. If true, why keep pushing, why hope or pray? The answer is because it is possibly not true? This is only a warning? and we can prevent a warning from happening, our government is always on the alert.
This is all badly written because I am tired and upset. Somehow it all fits like a square peg in a square hole. We can only hope the virus catches only a few people. With this fear, everything takes on a new light. I feel like running out to the suburbs and visiting my family and hugging everyone.
My book is about the earth heating up. That's disaster enough isn’t it? It's as if the earth and its peoples are inside a box that keeps squeezing and getting smaller everywhere and in whatever direction we turn there is danger.
Jesus has said, “You are doing it to yourselves."
I agree. We have ourselves standing on a cliff edge and any major event can shove us off. It is all of our own making, it is grown from selfish motives. Maybe the purpose of my book isn't to prevent disaster, instead, maybe it’s to show us how we should have lived, when it’s all over. If nothing else, we will have learned what our priorities should have been. The potential is so horrifying that it fills my mind tonight; yet, by tomorrow I'll forget and go about the daily chores of living. Isn't that the real horror?
7/19/01
This is so beautiful that I keep reviewing it in my mind. Last night I woke up standing in front of a golden yellow opening in the sky. Such love was pouring out of the opening I felt like crying in happiness. The sky beckoned me and called to me. I hungered to walk into this opening in the horizon and did. But I couldn't exactly reach it because I went back to sleep. But before I did, I knew that I would paint this feeling and view somehow, that I would spend the rest of my life trying to capture its essence on canvas and that I will never quite succeed.
Tonight, Jesus took me into this same sky. I even thrill as I write this. We slowly walked towards it because the total effect of its impact would have overwhelmed me if we had arrived too suddenly. As I got closer and closer, I felt an aura emanating from its core. I realized that I wasn't only thrilled by the vivid gold mixed with pale and bright yellows but by something in the air. There was some quality that I couldn't describe at first. I only know that I felt invigorated and happy. Yes happy. As if all pleasure surrounded me, as if a cloak of delight enwrapped me in its embrace, as if...
It was a heady feeling just to take one step after another. I would lift one foot and then another realizing at each step that I walked further and further into its penetrating aura. Then I realized what I was stepping towards, I was walking in life's essence. The essence of God giving life to every being, every plant, every thing in existence. No wonder I felt rejuvenated. I was inside the Fountain of Youth. Bathing in it, breathing it in through my pores, absorbing it, loving in it, crying in it.
And then I
took a small amount of it in my hand and put it into the center of my Dad who
lay in the hospital in
All this time Jesus was with me and I suddenly understood that this was where the gift I had received before came from. That this gift was not given lightly and it was to be used sparingly but I would use it again some day. Jesus told me that I would go back again and again to gather up this gift, this wonderful gift of life, this font of flowering sunshine. This was a fountain pouring out the sun, a fountain that never rests, a sun that never sets or rises, an overflowing cornconupia of golden life.
I felt my
own center fill with this gift before we left and Jesus told me to write about our
trip. He told me before that we would go to some wonderful places. My
imagination couldn't have begun to know where Jesus would take me. I am so
thrilled and humbled by this visit. Thank you
Jesus, thank you.
7/22/01
I have
found it, or rather it has been given to me, what mankind has searched for
throughout its existence: The fountain of youth, the alchemist's gold, the
philosopher's stone, Shanghai La,
Again this morning I was allowed to hold and carry a tiny grain of this golden loving substance belonging to God. Actually I carried the mental idea of a grain of golden substance or nugget because this helps me visualize it. I carried it to my sick father who has been diagnosed with cancer. The life substance glowed with aliveness as if a part of the sun were inside ready to shrink and burn off the unwanted extra cells. I don't think of it as a magic cure-all, its not, rather it is a life giving substance that brings back vitality? Only a guess.
Before I gathered a portion of the substance to take to my dad, I asked Jesus if I had permission. He replied, "You don't need to ask for permission. You have been given it as a gift” It was for me to use, God's life essence, the same essence that pours freely always and everywhere throughout the universe.
At Jesus invitation, I stepped into the richness and let the living substance seep into and throughout my body. I suddenly realized now, as I write this, the many implications of this living substance. It implies vigorous life but in the act of infusing life it also infuses youth because the two are entwined.
The legends of eternal youth are to be found here. This is the Source. I don't hope for eternal youth and have not been granted it. As with any great gift, if not used wisely, it could turn into a curse; eternal youth if taken too far could become unending life, perhaps a life of agony. I am thankful that I don't hunger for eternal youth. I have had enough of life on earth to last me a long while. I don't need eternal life, only vitality, health, energy, and mental well-being. This life will end I expect at God's own time for it or when Jesus picks me up. Hopefully during this lifetime.
There was an article in the paper today about the Promise Keepers. (a group of religious men) and how their numbers have went down from 40,000 to 7,000 (still a substantial number) When the group first began and I read about it in the newspaper, a voice said to me, "I did it." I was confused as to how owned the voice, was it Jesus or the evil one. At that time I couldn't tell or wasn't certain. I was in a quandary as to who spoke and for what purpose. I kept asking myself who and why. I couldn't say for sure but something seemed out of place with the group from the beginning. In one sense it was wonderful to see so many men grouped for the purpose of spiritual answers to their lives. One minute I would be proud to read about such a large gathering and the next I would feel uneasy and worried.
Now looking
back, hindsight is always easy. I am more understanding of what made me feel
uneasy. On the surface it seemed a great movement, and was, the problem was in
its potential for propaganda. The group was too harmonious, too middle class,
too white, too male, too ready and willing to listen to speakers and accept
what they decreed. I think after Hitler's Nazis we need to be ever vigilant
about such large gatherings for specific purposes. After all, Hitler's was kind
of a religious movement too, cloaked as a drive to human perfection. It can
happen here. If evil was the source of that voice, then it could have
developed into an idea that could have swept over
7/24/01
A lot happened this morning during meditation. I turned on the chants and it took a while for me to feel within their sounds and I am not sure I ever did this morning. I was with Jesus and still worried about my dad. He said I should go into God's sky opening and bring out more golden life essence for him. I did and I tried to talk to my dad as he lay in the hospital. I tried to tell him what I was doing and how I was praying and trying to help him by bringing him this golden substance. That it would fight his cancer cell by cell because it came from God's fountain. I told him my name and that I was sorry I couldn't come down for a visit. I didn't know if he heard me. Jesus said that he did not. He is not spiritual at all and I don't even know if he believes in God. I hope he has changed his mind since his sickness.
When I finished talking to my dad, Jesus told me to go into God's fountain myself. I walked in and asked Jesus why he wanted me to enter. He said, "You need it." I kept walking but it was becoming intense and I told Jesus I couldn't walk any further. He told me that he would walk with me. So we continued into God's life giving substance. Jesus said that I should let it penetrate my whole body. I felt and saw my body as from a distance that it was so old and worthless, it didn't belong here and was nothing but a tarnish within the gold. But I did as Jesus told me. I opened my mouth and let the golden substance flow into me and felt it pour and pump through out my whole body system. I became a golden glowing human within brighter and silvery streams of golden water. I was inside a silver sparkling water fall cascading down around me. Everywhere was the gentle movement downward of silver and golden substance. I felt no pressure of down ness, just the view looked like an everywhere fountain. Somehow I knew I was far from the center of the fountain, if there was a center. I felt that I was still inside the diffused edge but I could go no further. Its intensity prohibited me.
We left and I felt the golden substance dissipate gradually from my system. A small nugget or grain of life essence remained within my body. I could sense it if I choose. I understood that this substance is dispersed throughout the universe, like a fog and that I had gathered it up into my arms to carry and into my self in a more intense form. As if I were more able to enter deeper I perhaps could have invigorated myself more thoroughly.
We then went to visit the old elderly women who I mentioned at the beginning of these notes. She is one of the few people who are both in heaven and on earth at the same time. Jesus asked her if we could visit. Somehow I know that she granted us an audience. That was the way I thought about it. For some reason I knelt before her on the floor before her presence. This seemed to come naturally and I can't remember if she was also kneeling on the floor or sitting in a chair. I felt as though I owed her obsolesce and great respect. Her body was so old and her face a mask of tiny wrinkles but strangely did not seem old. She even showed me herself as a young lady. I understood that looks were not important to her any longer, that most things that concern us seemed trite to her and not worthy of bother.
Her mind is so spiritually great that she can determine at what exact point in existence she will choose to leave this earth. At present, her continual, living thoughts are useful and valuable to all of us for a reason I did not understand or was not explained to me. I realized that she was so far beyond our spiritual understanding that any explanation would belittle her true purpose for staying alive. I also understood that the concerns that most of us humans fight for and strive for have no importance to her. She is truly beyond it all.
This one point worried me and I asked her if the health of the world was still important to her. I was thinking of the warming of earth, which has been on my mind lately.
She smiled
Jesus said, "She can keep trees alive and more just by her thoughts alone, and does.
Then I had a slight understanding of why she was still here and the work her spiritual mind was capable of. I nodded in great respect to her before we left.
I asked Jesus to tell me her name because I may need to know it one day. I couldn't tell her nationality or religion from her stance or the cloths she wore. I think she was beyond religious or cultural attributes that we usually think are so important. Because of her great spirituality I wondered if she might be Hindu but I don't really know.
"You will learn her name when she chooses to die," Jesus told me.
I am very ignorant of different cultures and can only wait until she chooses to reveal herself to learn her name. We are much better off that she lives. Earth needs her because she is helping hold it together. But I speculate that she must be a famous person and I thank her for her continued love and care she gives to the earth. We need more great people like her.
I would like to clarify for you my style of meditation and my writing. A lot of the events I write about last only a few seconds, at other times my mind wonders and I don't hold the vision or control it very well. Just ask Y how true this is. Sometimes I dramatize the events which makes them seem longer or more visually appealing than they actually are. I tell you this so when you begin to meditate and go on your own journey into heaven's realms, you won't dismiss events that seem too short or that quickly flow through your awareness. Don't expect more that you get. There will be times when the visions will be so intense and full of there ness that you will need to wake up from it as if from a different world but at other times it will be fleeting and seem to have little import. Grab it all because it is all God, all heaven, all Jesus' teachings. Grab it all.
7/24/01
Tonight I sat and meditated again. I had been thinking about Jesus words when he said that "I needed it." He was referring to God's substance. So I wanted to go into the fountain again. Jesus was there with me and so was X. Was it his dark side?
Jesus said "He wants to go with us."
I said, "No" Not because I felt jealous or selfish but because I was afraid he would put obstacles in my path or hinder my pleasure in some way. For some reason I felt angry with X.
Jesus assured me that he would not hinder me so I agreed to his presence.
He entered with us. He followed behind me. We stepped or floated into a large gold misty fog. The feeling was so good I eventually took X's hand as we traveled within and he walked by my side. As we went further it seemed more vivid. It was never glaring or garish, just soft and light. I stopped and let God's substance flow throughout my body and bath in every pore and, at the same time, wondered how X was doing beside me.
Then Jesus suddenly said, "Go in further."
I tried but couldn't seem to push against the thickness of the cascade flowing around and through us. I tried again and suddenly I did go in further. I gasped as I became a part of the whole. I was no longer there as a person in a human body but as a solid gold light. I can't describe it. The substance of God's fountain became myself. I felt God’s substance so intensely and emotionally, I cried. Even as I left I cried. When we came to the edge of the sky I didn't want to leave. I still felt the beauty of the gold in my eyes and it seemed to me that I would loose the golden glow inside me if I left. I felt such life inside me I hesitated until Jesus took my hand and led me away to my favorite meadow.
There on the grass flowered hill with the lake in the distance I cried for my loss. X sat next to me and seemed perplexed by my intense reaction. I understood that he hadn't went in as deep as I had into the fountain. His experience was less than mine because I have built up my ability to perceive over the years. He was still a novice in that respect which made it more difficult for him.
But this time, after I left, there was a difference, I felt as thought I were still filled with God’s light, that I had kept a greater portion upon leaving. though I still cried at its loss. Jesus nodded his agreement.
Later when I opened my eyes and told Jesus that I didn't want to write about this event. Perhaps because X had went with us, but I think it was too precious for me, still too raw and beautiful.
"You'll forget." Jesus suggested.
So I agreed to write it. After all, this is my job, to experience and report. Besides I would never disappoint Jesus. I still feel so good that I want to tell everyone I know. Especially I want to tell Y but maybe he already knows.
7/30/01
This morning I decided to listen to the chants for a few minutes and Y joined me. We visited and I told him I loved him again. I thought it was amazing the type of love I have for him and others. I would describe it as expansive because that is how it feels, as though my love expands us and makes us grow more together at the same time it incorporates more and more people and place. The universe becomes our love nest. And this love has few of the attributes of selfishness or self-involvement. It is very beautiful and I enjoyed our visit immensely. I won't write about what we talked about because that is private.
Then I remembered that I needed to think of my dad and encourage the cancer cells to stop growing. So I wanted to go back into God's fountain of life. Y said he would like to go with me and he did. We walked further and further into the flowing air around us and breathed in the glowing substance for a while then left. I apologized to Y because I was too self-conscious knowing he was with me to go in deeper. His words implied that he had felt the life giving water too and he understood my dilemma. I am so used to being with Jesus that when other people would share our space, I am thrown off my stride. I hope Y will choose to go with me again. Please do. I will ask him to join me and I won't be so self-conscious. I realize, as I write this, that he has probably been with me before without my knowing it. I joked that he could be following me but "You can't do that if you are invited, can you." It was a private joke and I only include it to show the kind of relationship we have together. It is similar to the relationship I have with Jesus. I have invited Y to visit anytime he chooses with or without my knowledge. We love each other and are becoming one.
In church yesterday, I was thinking of God's gift to me and worried about how I should use it when Jesus told me, "You haven't accepted it yet." I think he meant I haven't accepted the conditions that surround the gift yet, whatever they are. I don't know.
He added, "It is the greatest gift heaven can bestow on a human."
I thought I had accepted it? But I also suddenly realized why I hold back, it is because I am afraid and worried how to use it. I don't want to need to use it or even think about what all its ramifications imply. Yes, that is what held me back and still does, how and when to use it. For example, do I have the right , if I had the ability, to help my father who has cancer just because I know him when there are so many other people suffering the same fate. We are not talking about prayer here, of course I can pray and try to shrink cells with my mind, but what if I had the gift of God's life giving substance? Would that make my touch gold? Would that make me a healer? Would that make hoards of people stand at my door waiting for my hand? Would that be fare? No. If that is what God's life substance means than I don't know if I want it. If it means longer life for me or health, then maybe. What more could it mean? I don't know and refuse to think. What is Jesus asking of me by giving me this gift?
This life giving substance from God has more power than we can conceive of in your young minds. This also plays on my fears and most especially the fear that I could come to enjoy the power it bestowed too much. So yes I am hesitant and afraid. After this long spew of thoughts I smiled at Jesus and answered his unspoken question, "Do you accept the gift?"
"Yes, you know I do because I already did one day, it is already decreed that I had accepted.”
Jesus smiled knowingly.
Then it was time for the priest to bless the bread and wine for communion and I realized once again very vividly the extent of the sacrifice Jesus gave us with his life. He could have lived forever, he had been given the greatest gift of life and he chooses to give up that gift on the cross. He did this for us. Most of us through the centuries have been ignorant to the thousands and thousands of potential earth years he gave up on the cross. Luckily, for us, as it turned out, God gave him life forever anyway. When God gives such life, a wooden cross cannot infringe or take it away.
7/30/01
I understand more about X now. I remember once when he saw me sitting and waiting for him he was momentarily startled either by the fact that it was me or my dress or? But it was dark there in the show and before he thought I noticed him, he faced in the opposite direction and I could almost see his bones and features rearrange themselves. His shoulders too grew taller. It was a new image that faced me, only slightly changed but enough to see a difference. He kept his eyes watery and half closed as if he had been taking dope, I asked him a few times if he had because during the time I was with him I was flamboosled into believing he was really who he said he was. Our souls are mirrored in our eyes so if someone needs to disguise themselves, the eyes are the first place to change.
I have learned more. Just as Y uses his spiritual gift to study religions and beliefs and people's attitudes to that belief, X uses his gift to study people and cultures from within, literally. He becomes a person of that culture.
One other thing I have learned about X is that he is very old, so old that when he pretended he had a bike that he rode, Jesus told me that he was too old to ride it for long and that I could out ride him any day. We never did go bike riding because he disappeared in that mode of character from my life, like he disappeared from every mode. He always does that, pops into my life in odd moments and then pops out again.
I also believe X is trying to live longer and is perhaps worried about it. In every mode of character he portrays he has talked about longevity and diet and exercise. I can't imagine why. Is he afraid of dying? Or is it that he enjoys life so much? If you think about it, with his ability to become anyone he chooses even within different cultures. If that is his intent, then the amount of raw learning potentials is almost unlimited. We live in such a huge, complex world with divergent cultures and peoples that his work could be never ending. X could spend many life times studying earth and its peoples and never get to the end, and perhaps he has tried.
This brings up the speculation or idea that God has bestowed specific gifts on certain people for a purpose. To accentuate those abilities and make them visual and a valued part of his promise. God may want us to learn and see what our potential is. These gifts are specific, possible within the human condition, and are promised to us if we accept them. How can we not?
7/31/01
The rich
need help as much as the poor. God know that which is why he
sent prophets out to other cities and towns. Jesus knew that too. Every time I
go out to
I always drive away with a sense of amazement mixed in with envy and fear. Fear for the mindlessness of it all, the total disregard many people have for the state of the world and its future. How dare we so garishly continue such a disfiguring life style. Disfiguring to our mind, souls, bodies, lives, other people's lives, other countries well-being, our earth. We take from the trees, soil, un-renewable resources, and future. We give information, technology, money, air pollution, and heat back, so much heat that earth may become like Venus in the near future. Common sense tells us this is not right, that this is selfish.
If you could spread our extremely rich life style to most humans on earth, the earth would die within a few years, choked to death and withered. If you eat a Arby's beef sandwich, a sandwich loaded with enough beef to feed a city block in the developing world or many children in ours for $2.00 and a coupon, you are depriving many people nourishment, not only of protein but you are contributing to the beef cattle industry which costs more than rice, wheat, or soybeans.
All the supermarkets, and shows abundant Wal-Marts are using up energy for air conditioning or heat, people are using gas to get there, then throwing away used items and packages for trash pick-up and .... actually I don't know or understand all the ramifications of our life style and I have never been part of the environmental movement before. Like many of you, I thought it went too far when a dam couldn't be built because of a few small fish. Now after Jesus involvement in this book and a lot of reading into the subject, I realize that I was wrong. We all need to become environmentalists or we’ll die.
Did I mention my own moment of envy? Can you imagine the envy that people may have in other countries? Can you also imagine how their hate might grow in proportion to our wealth? Can you imagine the extent that some countries may go to stop us? Never mind hate, what about idealism? Some misguided souls out there may try to stop us because they want to save the planet or their traditions from the influence of our over wrought culture. Notice that I didn't say how anyone could stop us because the methods are many and numerous and probably beyond even my imagination. The point is that we are wrong, if we don't know that we better learn it fast.
The end? except for another travel experience with J? I can't think of anything more awesome than Gods fountain of life? How can even Jesus top that?
Well not quite the end. I remember carrying gold light from God's fountain to my dad and placing it in his body. I remember thinking with my mind that the substance would shrink cancer, cell by cell. It may have, but it was too little too late. He died this morning.
Now I wonder if I misconstrued the purpose of the golden substance from God's fountain. Instead of healing a body, its purpose may be to spread spiritual awareness. Perhaps I gave him a spiritual gift, perhaps the golden substance helped him find God at the end, and perhaps it gave life after death?
Jesus is agreeing with me as I write this. This puts a new light on my acceptance or non-acceptance of the spiritual gift. Who could not accept a gift from God? The knowledge that it is spiritual life rather than healing life takes away my fear that I will need to use it one day to heal sick people. That is not its purpose, and I should have known this long ago. I remember the angels showing me how to use God's golden light after they poured it into me from a cup in heaven, how it should spread to cover the ground I walked on and the surrounding environment. As I watched I saw the street and curb turn gold, the bushes and homes and people walking by in the vision. Nothing turned hard, like in the Midas fable, it was all soft with a gold that no one could see but still penetrated all substances as it spread. I would like to be able to send God's golden substance all over the cities and countries of the earth, if I could. I have neglected to use this gift so far. According to Jesus I have not actually accepted it yet. I am still ignorant of how to use it or when and if I have it? Is it that I should not loose it after I leave God's presence?
Oh, oh, Jesus nods “Yes.”
8/5/01
It happened yesterday but I am not writing it until today. I was asked to write a eulogy for my dad's funeral service the night before the funeral. I though about it and then wrote remembrances from my childhood and the gifts that dad gave me- playfulness and the love of knowledge. At the end of the eulogy I wrote a note about my concern about dad's spiritual relationship with God and that I believed he knew God at the end. I based this on the gifts of light from God's fountain that I took to him while he lay dying. I had miss-perceived the nature of the gifts from God, his fountain of youth. I thought its purpose was to try and heal dad. I was wrong. The real purpose, and more lasting purpose, was to heal his soul. The gift of life helped usher him into heaven.
As I sat
thinking these thoughts and writing my final version of the eulogy, Dad's voice
spoke to me and said, "It worked." Then the voice was gone. I felt
surprised and pleased. There was one other time that I heard dad's
voice from afar and that was once when I forgot his birthday. I heard him call
out, perhaps in his sleep, "Diane." It was very loud and strong. He
lived in
I don't expect to hear from him ever again, nor do I want to. May he rest in peace. I don't think we stay around too long after death, unless there is unfinished business that we might attend to. Those who call the dead to their side are wrong in their pursuit. The dead are better left alone so they can ascend to heaven if able or called. I believe he is now or soon will be in heaven. But I will hold in my heart forever his words and that I may have helped give him the most precious gift of all, the gift of life.
8/7/01
I am back from
I climbed out and began walking but I noticed that every place I stepped I left a golden footprint. I was delighted and told Jesus so. He suggested that I step into my neighborhood and house to leave footprints. So I did. I stood in the middle of my yard and walked up and down, then I stood in the yard next to me with the junk and old cars and then I walked down the sidewalk a little ways and walked on the empty lot next door. I also noticed before that gold was also dripping from my hands and fingers and hair and spotting on the sidewalk. But now it was fading and the golden footprints were smaller. I was drying off, loosing the effect of emersion. I felt lonely.
Jesus suddenly said. "You can do this again" I smiled and opened my eyes on the couch.
I remembered the golden substance I had brought to my dad and the fact that it worked so well for him. I hope my few footprints give off a spiritual aura for a while to help the people in my neighborhood. Note- this was only a visualization of Jesus wishes. He wants me to spread God's spirit around but first I need to acquire it.
A number of days ago I was standing and admiring a large, majestic and beautiful old tree. A voice said to me, "The tree is aware of your admiration." I was surprised and felt pleased. This is a wonderful state of hope because if the trees can perceive somehow our admiration of them, changing our world for the better just became easier. Just by loving and admiring trees we can help them. Our minds send waves of happiness outward. The colliery of this is that we also send our anger and stress. Maybe we need another happy song like "Don't worry, be happy."
8/9/01
It is import to know when to quit when to end a book. I’ve decided that this is the final statement for this book. Jesus will take me one more place as a final statement. I don't mean that I will stop writing or traveling with him, just that my notes from now on will go into a new tablet. I’ve written all my experiences with Jesus in a tablet first before I copy the word on the computer. For some reason this fits the method and style of my notes. I leave the decision or place for our last visit to Jesus.
What a visit. How can I tell you where I went tonight without sounding silly? or weird? It was so odd, almost as if I stepped into a Star Trek rerun. When I said that to Jesus he laughed.
Where I went tonight, I still can't believe it was just a few steps away from my lawn chairs into a huge ship sitting in what I’ll call N space. It was not really a ship Jesus told me more like a conveyance, a convenience to the group to use while they help prevent the earth from being destroyed. They have work stations set up for their use in many places on our planet. Many people are involved in saving earth.
I mean, right here. It covered at least a city block and I walked right through my garage to enter and then when I was inside everything looked ghostly. I could see my world super imposed into the ships. I refer to it as ship because that is easer for me but remember it is not a ship. Cars were driving through it from Theodore and Moran. More about this later. But there was sunlight and blue sky and clouds even though it was evening in my back yard. Like a glass ship. No not a glass or ship, a conveyance.
Jesus said they bring a chosen space with them. A number of people with the big eyes were walking around inside. This was their work area, where they try to convince us to change our behavior to do something different for earth's benefit. They move it around a lot. I asked Jesus if he needed it to get around.
He told me, "No.” Then added that he will use a similar conveyance when he comes down to earth in his official capacity. "Or do you think I should just float down as a man?" He asked me, jokingly?
I answered that I didn't care how he got here, "Just do it."
He said, "People need to be more ready.”
I looked around as we spoke at the near invisible walls. I had walked right through the burnt garage in back of me when I strolled in the ship with Jesus. Amazing. Amazing that the future beings and Jesus are so close to me in reality or N space? Amazing that for this night this ship landed here, in my back yard and lot, right through three fourths of my garage. Amazing and a grand ending for this book. I love you Jesus and I truly believe that we are never alone.
I still feel so delighted and surprised. This was every science fiction reader's dream to walk within a real ship sort of. Well, sort of a ship, one that brought its own sky and weather. Oh I love you Jesus. He invited me to come back and look at it more closely one day soon because I was interrupted by a phone call. Later, I am going back outside and search for it.
I did, of course, I couldn't find it. I walked to the back of my garage. Nothing. I knew I was inside it but I wasn't because I couldn’t see any difference.
I asked Jesus, "Is it really true, is it really here?"
"Yes, to everything.” He was pleased by my reaction of amazement and joy. I think the only way to visit it was with Jesus. I would need to sit back down and let Jesus take me there. Fascinating, as Spock would say.
8/10/01
The ship is still here and may be here for a while. I think the people of the future like me. I even think they watching my cat who got out last night. Silly I know. But their love goes with any of us who are willing to work for a better earth. After all they are the people who will live in our polluted sky and seas. This is most of what they do, encourage those who try to try harder. I really believe that circumstances have changed this date of his arrival. As he told me ,“People need to be ready." So just get ready, all of us, lets change our lives and world so we will be ready for Jesus.
[1] I don’t mean to imply that President Bush will make all the wrong decisions, as it turned out he has make great, well thought out ones since the World Trade Centers were bombed.
[2] Jesus statement, “There is no tomorrow,” was a only a quick comment when President Bush won the election but Jesus didn’t mean to imply to me that President Bush would be the cause of the disasters, only that they would begin during his presidency. This has turned out to be too true.
[3] As I edit
these notes, it is October 1st, 2001, three weeks after the bombing
of the World Trade Buildings in
[4] The New American Bible, Revised
[5] With Jesus request that I don't edit my book too much, I have decided to leave most of the information alone because I don't know what he wants the reader to know or for what purpose.
[6] It seems that I might have been wrong about a union with him. He hasn’t shown up and I may never see him again.
[7] Question – I believe Jesus wants me to keep the sex in this book because it will serve as a lure for people to increase their mental powers. But do we want people using mind for selfish desires? Is it worth the consorting of the good mind with bad? Jesus says, that yes because conflict is inevitable and change is needed.
[8] The New American Bible
[9] After
the events of Sept 11,2001 I understand better what Jesus meant. What if the
[10] Exxon
Station at
[11] The New American Bible
[12] Caravan of Dreams, Idries Shah, The
Shrine, Penguin books Inc.,
[13] Images and Symbols [Harper Collins, Marcea Eliade, Mythos paperback edition, translated by Philip Mairet, originally published in France Libraire Gallimard 1952, Mythos 1991, Princton University Press, Princton New Jersey, pp 76-77.